Fix Me
by Kiribati
Summary: Beck is the loner at HA, but what happens when he gets paired up with Tori, and they become closer than anyone would ever expect. Rated M for sexual content, drug abuse and cursing. Romance and Drama! COMPLETE.
1. Scars

Before you guys read this I will warn you, this fanfic will be completely different from my previous ones if you are familiar with them (Is Somebody Out There and Back In Time); It is going to be a Beck/Tori, but it'll be drama. This is based on true facts so if you think someone is really out of character it's because I wanted it that way. I just really need to get this whole thing out of my system so I thought, why not make a fanfic out of it? And if you are still reading, I hope you like it.

* * *

_Tori's POV_

"So today we're going to do a basic exercise, but it's known to be one of the hardest of all, I want you all to explain who you are" Sikowitz says, and the class keeps silent

"That's easy" Jade walks up to the stage, she scares me a little bit; I think she pretty much scares every student in this school, maybe even some teachers "I'm tough, and If you step in my way I'll make sure to destroy you. I hate bras that hook on the front, the color yellow…"

"Jade you are not explaining who you are" He gets up and tells her to sit down "For example, I love coconut milk, BUT! I'm not who I am because I love it; I love it because I am who I am" We all stare at him, I never understand what he's saying but today he's just talking nonsense. "In the next two weeks you'll have to figure out who you are and present yourself here in class now I'll par you up" He takes a bag and takes a small piece of paper "Robbie you are paired up with…" takes another one "André!"

I sit back in my chair waiting for my name to come up, Cat, Andre and Robbie are already paired up so won't be sorted with any of my friends, bummer. It's not that I don't like the rest of the kids in my class, but I'd just rather find who I am with one of my friends.

"Beck Oliver with…" All the girls look at Sikowitz hoping that their name will be picked out, every girl in this school is crazy about him and I get it, he's hot and has the whole 'mysterious guy' profile going on, the long hair, incredible clothes that looks completely effortless, kind of like _Heath Leadger_ in _'10 Things I Hate About You'_, but he never hooks up with anyone from school so, why bother? And plus, I don't like mysterious people they kind of scare me…I never know what to expect from them. "Tori Vega" I hear my name and look up, to see Beck Oliver staring at me

The bell rings and Sikowitz asks everyone that wasn't paired up to stay, not my case, I leave the classroom and walk over to my locker "So, I guess we're partners" I jump and look behind me to see Beck standing there

"Guess we are" I smile bitterly at him and pick up the books for the rest of the day

"So, do you want to go over to my house to work on the project?" I shut my locker and see Cat waiting for me next to André and Jade

"Yeah sure, let me put my number on your phone and you just text me the address" he hands me his PearPhone and save it in his contacts "So I'll see you at…four?"

"Yeah, sure" I walk away and Cat giggles "what are you so happy about?"

"You were talking to Beck Oliver!"

"I'm bored" Jade says "André let's get some soda"

"But I don't…"

"…just come!" she holds him by his arm and pulls him away

"What were you talking to Beck about?"

"I'm going to his house to work on the project"

"Ooh so it's a date!"

"No Cat it's not a date!" She nods her head

"I feel you girl" she giggles again and walks away. How can she be so happy all the time? I wish I could have 5% of that happiness. This is going to be a long day.

* * *

_Beck's POV_

I fix my RV a little bit just like my Mom asked, even after I moved out of the house she still makes sure that I don't live in a complete mess, but I don't mind it though, she's just being a good mom I guess. This project is going to be the death of me, how can I know who I am? And mostly, in the company of a girl that is basically the opposite from me, all perfect and…I don't even know.

I hear a knock on the door and look at the clock, she's right on time.

"Hey" I open the door for her and she comes in, and she looks really curios; I'm already used to that reaction, no one understands why I live in an RV. Of course no one asks so they just assume I'm crashing in a stranger's parking lot.

"You live in an RV?" at least she asked

"My dad said if I lived in his house I'd have to live by his rules, my house…"

"Your rules" I nod and go over to my fridge.

"Do you want something to drink? I have lemonade" She sits down in my couch and starts to nod her head according to the rhythm

"Sure…is this _Somewhere Only We Know _by _Keane_?"

"Yeah, you like them?" I hand her the glass and she takes a sip putting it in my nightstand

"I love them I went to their concert last year, amazing" She closes her eyes, throws her head back and starts jamming to the song, I start singing to and she looks at me surprised but keeps going

_"__Oh simple thing where have you gone__  
__I'm getting old and I need something to rely on__  
__So tell me when you're gonna let me in__  
__I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin__So and if you have a minute why don't we go__  
__Talk about it somewhere only we know?__  
__This could be the end of everything__  
__So why don't we go"_

"This song is amazing!" She says, taking another sip of lemonade, Tori Vega has good taste in music, who would've thought?

"You know they say that if you sing with someone you create this special bond" I tell…I can't believe I just flirted with her

"Who's they?" she asks, putting down her purse

"Good question…So, what are we going to do with the project?"

"I don't know I mean, I don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about me except that we both like Keane"

"We can play twenty questions" I suggest and she opens a sarcastic smile

"So you're willing to give up the mysterious look to answer everything I want to know about you, interesting"

"What mysterious look?"

"Oh you know, the long hair, hot guy with quiet attitude…you basically Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club" I run my fingers through my hair and look at hair

"So you think I'm hot?" She blushes and sits up again

"Finding ourselves, we should get to that. I think we should watch one of those movies that makes you think about life you know?"

"Oh like '_The Breakfast Club'?_" She blushes even more…She's actually kind of cute

"I'm serious! And than we could a song for him or a poem, something like that" I have the exactly what she's looking for, only it's not a movie. I get up and go over to my shelf looking for the book.

"Here" I hand it to her and she looks confused "This book will make you rethink everything about yourself, believe it"

"_The Perks of Being a Wallflower?_" She folds quickly through the pages "Isn't that a movie too?"

"Yeah but the book is way better"

"Thanks" She places it inside her purse "I'll bring it back to you as soon as I finish it. So, are we good?" She gets up and walks over to the door and I follow

"Wait are you leaving already?" she leans against the door

"What am I supposed to do here all afternoon?"

It was impulsive, and this could have gone so wrong but before I even realize she's pinned against the wall, he hands wrapped around my neck. My hands moving through her body and our tongues moving fiercely against each others.

She wraps her legs around my waist and I put us both on the bed, she trails kisses down my neck and back to my mouth, I slide my hand under he shirt and I feel some things on her stomach…I'm not sure what it is. I lift her shirt just a bit and take a quick look at her stomach

"Oh shit!" she gets up, and pulls her shirt back down and looks for her purse

"Tori what were those cuts?"

"Nothing alright, pretend this never happened" she head out the door and before I can talk to her she gets in her car and leaves.

* * *

_Tori's POV_

"Morning Tor" I shut my locker door and smile at André. I look around and Beck's coming this way…fuck!

"Hey…I'll talk to you later" I run to the girl's bathroom and enter a stall; I take off a band-aid from my purse and slide down my jeans, taking a look at my tight…oh crap. I shouldn't have done it, again.

I hold my tears; I don't want to draw attention by crying in school. And put the band-aid over the most recent cut. I didn't have time to do it this morning, and I don't want a blood stain in my new pants. I take a deep breath, as I always do before going back out there and walk quickly to Sikowitz classroom with a the best fake smile on my face.

I analyze the classroom and find a seat on two chairs behind Beck, where he won't be able to reach me and Sikowitz does his great entrance like always, this time he walked normally through the front door witch is more shocking that anything else coming from him.

The class goes on as always, he picks a few students to do some exercise but fortunately I wasn't picked today, my tight is still really sore and I don't want Beck staring me the whole time. Fuck why did I have to make out with him? I know he's irresistibly hot but now he knows…And I know he's going to find a way to talk to me but I'm not ready to admit it.

"So the rehearsals for the play will start today! I have the casting list right here!" Sikowitz throws the list at us and run, I'm so not in the mood to compete to see that

"Congrats Tori, you got the lead!" Cat gives me a hug, finally that'll distract me "And guess who's playing your love interest?"

"Who?" Someone holds my arm and I turn around, Beck.

"Me" Fuck.

* * *

I get to the rehearsals in the exact time Sikowitz told us to be, that way Beck will have less time to talk to me. "Great Tori, now that you are here we can start, let's go with the final song"

I stand on the middle of the stage, he always does that, we improvise a couple of times to see if we get some dance moves out of it and then he choreographs it.

"Suddenly

My choice is clear  
I knew in only you and I were standing here'' I turn my head sideways and Beck looks straight into my eyes and hold my hand, it's his turn to sing

"_And beautiful__  
__is all I see'' _

He puts his hand on my cheek and I follow like a mirror

"_It's only you I know it's true__  
__It has to be' _

André starts to play the song and the dancers, that are already choreographed…they always are. Start to dance around us and we go with it.

"_That money isn't worth a thing if you didn't earn it__  
__you don't deserve it"_

"_I deserve it!" _Robbie says and I push his face away from us, continuing with the dance. Beck won't take his eyes off me…and I don't know if it's because of the part or because he saw my cuts.

"Ok guys I need to refill my coconut milk, let's take ten" Sikowitz leaves the auditorium and I run off stage

"Tori!" He comes after me and I enter the janitor's closer "I saw you coming in here" He says, and I laugh awkwardly

"Yeah I was hoping this was the entrance to Narnia" I hold the doorknob to leave but he holds the door, and now I'm trapped.

"I really need to talk to you, about those cu…"

"..Don't make a big deal out of this" I stop him before he finishes saying it "it's just a silly thing I do when I get sad or whatever, nothing much"

"Tori Self-Harm is not a silly thing" I start to shake, and I feel like the weight of my body is too much for me to handle…this always happens whenever I think about telling someone, but never quite this much.

"I can't talk about this right now!" I yell "this is nothing, I swear!" I try to leave but he won't let me "We have to go, Sikowitz is waiting"

"Just let's talk about this after practice ok?" He puts his hand on my neck and I nod

"Ok" I nod again

"Ok" he says back letting me out.

* * *

So, if any of you read it and made it to end, I'd like to know if this sucks or not. And I'm planning on finishing this one even if I only get 1 follower because it's a good way for me to get my emotions out. I should upload the next one in the next two or three days max. Love each of you, you're all beautiful,

- Kiribati


	2. Sick Addiction

_Beck's POV_

I get out of the bathroom, and look at all the people in the hallway, realizing that I don't know anything about their lives, and that girl laughing can be depressed and that that boy might have just lost his mom and…Tori, the most popular girl is school cuts. It's weird because it's not like I'm her friend, but to know that she does that to herself just makes me crazy! Why would she do that? She has the perfect life, good grades, she has talent and she's incredibly hot. I just need to talk to her, I want to make her feel better, I want to see her happy.

If only I had the opportunity. After rehearsals ended I was hoping she'd talk to me but she literally ran away, and I don't know where she lives so I can't just drop by, I'll just have to see her Monday because I have a feeling she's not going to answer any of my calls.

"Hey, Beck" I turn around, André, he's always hanging out with Tori, she has this close group. I wonder if he knows "I'm throwing a party today" he hands me the flyer

"Is Tori going?" He looks me up and down as I read the flyer

"Yeah I think so, gotta go Man" he walks away holding his keyboard and I pick up my bag heading out, I guess I'll have time to talk to Tori this weekend. I get in my car and drive home to take a nap, this will be the first Hollywood Arts party that I'm going…all because of this girl I met this week. I better get ready.

* * *

_Tori's POV_

'_You were a problem child__  
__been grounded your whole life__  
__so now you run wild_

_Play with them good girls__  
__though that ain't your style__  
__Take your hot shit__  
__Ooh, I love it, I love it__  
__Yeah, yeah'_

The music is loud, and I haven't been here for more than an hour and I'm already drunk. Anything to keep me away from those thoughts…I fucked up big this time he found out and…I can't run away from him forever. Fuck I can't think about this right now "TORI!" André yells through louder than the music "I HAVE SOMETHING GOOD WANT TO JOIN?"

I nod and follow him through the crowd, we reach his room and I see Sinjin playing with his feet, I can't stand that guy but I really don't care right now, Jade's also sited on the floor with her eyes closed moving her arms with the beat of the song. He sits down in the ground and gets the bong, lighting it up and taking a hit passing it on to me, I shouldn't do this, I told myself that if I wanted to take this singing thing seriously I'd stop doing things that were bad for my vocal cords, and smoking is on the top of the list, but I'll taking anything that can stop this feeling of being numb

I inhale and hold it in lying down on the floor and passing it on, I breath out and feel the ground moving as if I was flying far away from this place, from everyone. I don't even want to know what André put in there. The bong comes back to me I take a hit again, that's enough for me. I get up and go back to dance floor, closing my eyes again emptying my head and moving with the rhythm; the music changes and the thoughts rush back quickly as they always do, I go over to the bar getting myself another shot of tequila, I don't even know how many I drank, I lost count after seven. The music changes and I can't breathe anymore, I need to go outside.

I look for the door holding on to everyone so I won't fall down, the room is spinning and I just want to leave this place I need air. I find the door and try to walk down the stairs and trip down rolling to the law "this is going to hurt tomorrow morning!" I say to myself bursting into laughter

"Tori?" Is someone calling my name? Why does my name sound so funny?! I laugh even harder and I feel someone sitting next to me but I don't even care I just want to laugh "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine" I sit up and look at him "BECK!" I yell and give him a hug "when did you get here?"

"Tori you're bleeding" he says, grabbing my elbow and I just laugh even more "what happened?"

"Oh this silly thing? I just fell down the stairs! You should see the ones I do to myself!" I laugh more until my stomach hurts, and I throw myself back on the ground making a snow angel out of grass, this is fun "Whatareyoudoinghere?" I drag the words, he's so pretty…staring me with those brown eyes

* * *

Beck's POV

"Let's go" I pick her up, putting her arm around my shoulder and walking her to my car

"I don't wanna!" she pledges trying to run, tripping on her own feet and falling on my truck "oh crap!" She says, and I help her up, what did she take? She sits down in the passengers sit and start to scream vocals randomly and laughing afterwards. I get in the car and drive off

"Ok Tori where do you live?" She keeps singing, oh god what I'm going to do with her "Tori do you know where your house is?" I try again and she jumps on the seat

"My house! I know it's in the pretty street with the house that my parents bought" she claps her hands and collapses on the seat, passing out; Guess I'll just have to take her to my place. I get to the parking lot and open the passengers' seat lifting her up and closing my door with my foot. I can see the cuts again, there are a couple of them with band-aids and one almost falling off and I can see the dried blood through it, this is so bad. I open my RV and place her in the bed, locking the RV and taking my shoes and shirt of to sleep, I take a look at her, and she's completely asleep. I lie down in my couch and place my hands under my head starting at the ceiling this is going to be a long night.

I rub my eyes and look at the clock 6:32 AM, I get up and look at Tori, still asleep. I take a quick shower and put on the first clothes I can find around the floor that are clean. And make some coffee to wake up

"Uuurgh" I hear, I think she's awake "where am I?" she says to herself sitting up with both hands on her forehead. She looks up and opens her eyes "oh please tell me we didn't sleep together" she says and I laugh

"No, we didn't" I bring her a cup of coffee and she grabs it taking a sip "you passed out in the party and wouldn't say where your house was" She leans against the wall and looks at her elbow

"What happened?" she runs her fingers over it to see that the blood has dried

"You fell down the stairs" and said you do things much worse to yourself; I complete in my mind putting the empty mug aside "I think you might need these" I hand her a box of band-aids and she gets up leaving the mug on my nightstand

"You saw it again didn't you?" she looks dead serious, but still opens the box and takes a couple of them "can I use your bathroom?" I show her the way and she locks herself in there. I think she's more willing to talk to me today "who did you tell?" she asks sitting back on my bed, she washed the make-up from her face, I can tell because she doesn't have panda eyes.

"No one, I wouldn't do that to you" she takes her phone and checks it right before putting it back in her pocket "why do you do that? You have a great life" she gets up and sits back on the bed and I can see her shaking

"Don't you think I know that? You're such an idiot" she closes her eyes and runs her hands through her hair throwing it all back

"I'm sorry for being curious, I didn't want to offend you" I say "I just want to understand" She lies down again and I move over to the couch lying down too.

"Well you don't understand and I can't explain" she says looking up at me "you're not gonna tell, are you?" I nod my head and she stares at the ground

"Just try to explain" she sits up and closes her eyes taking a deep breath "were you abused or something like that?" She laughs ironically

"Sometimes I wish I was" she looks back up "that'd make things so much easier, I'd have a concrete reason for doing what I do. It's like I don't have control over my life, like everything is building up so fast and I can't cope with it" she places her hand on her stomach under her shirt and I can see her running her fingers over her cuts "but it's not just that" she stops herself and starts to cry, she's so fragile…to think that not even her parents know what's going on "just promise you're not going to tell"

It's already the third times she asks this, I get up and sit by her side wiping the tears from her eyes "I'm not, I swear" she looks away "just stop doing it"

"I can't, this sick addiction keeps me alive" I decide it's best not to ask her what that means, not today, I feel like she already told me way more than she intended to, and definitely more than she ever told anyone else "can I stay here today?" she says, already making herself home by taking off her shoes

"Your parents won't miss you?" I ask and she rolls her eyes

"They won't even notice I'm gone" she rests her back on my wall

"Feel free" I get my Laptop and sit beside her "so do you want to work on Sikowitz project?"

"Not really, let's watch a movie" I go on Netflix and we start to look at catalog, and she puts her head on my shoulder "thank you" she holds my hand.

"For what?"

"For being so cool about everything" she gives me a quick kiss and I smile, I can't believe I'm falling for this girl this fast.

* * *

Hi guys! So, we survived the apocalypse! And to celebrate I'm uploading a new chapter :) I hope you guys like this one, I loved all the comments I got on the first chapter, seriously thank you each and everyone of you. Having positive feedback on this story means a lot to me! And I have a feeling the next one should be here before christmas! Love all of you, never forget that,

- Kiribati


	3. Barbecue

**Important author's note at the end, hope you like this chapter. **

* * *

Tori's POV

I'm so stupid! So fucking stupid! Where did this even come from? A minute ago I was fine and I get home and all these emotions rush back, "What the fuck!" I cry to myself opening my bottom drawer and finding the blade, I hold my tight and the release is almost instant, but it's not enough. I do it again and throw my self on the bed, tears streaming down my eyes. I curl up and watch the blood run through my leg and drip on the floor. I deserve this…I do, finally someone I can trust comes and I still keep having this feeling of sadness all the fucking time. I need to get rid of these feelings, otherwise he won't like me. I get up and go to the bathroom, cleaning the razor and putting it back in the usual spot, under the old pile of magazines I keep on my nightstand. I walk back to bed and turn off the lights, I won't even bother cleaning these up today, I just want to feel the physical pain a bit more, so the emotional one will go away "why do I do this?" I say, as my voice echoes through my room.

I open my eyes slowly, looking at the clock, 6 AM sharp. And I start my usual morning routine, I sit up and stare at my room, this is the beginning of another long day, oh my. I get up and walk slowly to my bathroom turning the water on, brushing my teeth and hopping in the shower. These are the few minutes I have everyday to stay away from everyone, when no one is awake and the sun is not completely up and I have peace and quiet to myself.

I put on my underwear and change all of my band-aids and examine the cuts, the old ones are almost healed but there are a couple of them pretty bad, just give it a few days and no one will even notice they were there. As I finish putting my clothes on it's already five past seven, my parents should be up any minute now. I came home really late yesterday, after midnight, as they only realized I wasn't home all day because I looked like shit, that's what a hangover does to you. I hear my phone buzzing, and there are six new messages, I forgot to check it after Beck and I started watching movies, I don't know what our thing is, we met each other three days ago and he know more about me than my best friend, he's actually getting to know me, and as much as that scares me this might be worth it. I hear a knock on the door "Come in!"

"Good morning sweetheart" my Dad says "Trina's coming home next weekend and your mother and I are going to Tahiti, so she's all yours"

"But Dad…" before I can argue he shuts my door, damn that's just what I needed. Trina home, having those crazy parties to show how popular she is when people come just because she pays for all the booze. And in the same week I have to finish Sikowitz project, how am I supposed to find out who I am when she's screaming because her nails broke?!

*bzzz* I pick up the phone two new messages from Cat.

_Cat V: You were gone two days straight! Where are you?_

_Cat V: Call me! _

I start to dial her number when I hear the doorbell and right after it a very familiar laugh, that's impossible to forget. I go downstairs to find Cat that's laughing at the new painting my Mom bought "Hey Cat"

"Tori!" she runs to me and gives me a hug "Guys I found her" she says on the phone, and hangs up "I couldn't find you after the party and you were gone all day yesterday, I thought you had been kidnapped by a crazy clown!"

"I'm fine Cat" I sit down in the couch "So, what's up?"

"André's having a barbecue in his house at noon, you're coming right?"

"Yeah, sure" my phone buzzes, another new message, from Beck

_From: Beck O_

_Woke up thinking about you_

I smile at the phone and quickly write him back, I wish I could spend the day with him instead of at that barbecue. Not that I don't like my friends it's just that Beck…I just had the best idea

To: Beck O

Morning :)

I'm going to this barbecue, want to come?

I put down the phone and open the door for Cat, I think her brother was arrested again and she's going to visit him now and go straight from prison to the barbecue. I think that's why she's is wearing a black shirt; I've never see her wear anything but pink and peach. My phone buzzes again and run to get it, I think I've never been this exited since…ever

_From: Beck O_

_Sure, want me to pick you up?_

_To: Beck O_

_Sure, see you at noon!_

I send the message and run to my room, I think I'm going to start that book he landed to me.

* * *

Beck's POV

_From: Tori Vega_

_Sure, see you at noon!_

I smile at the phone and run to the shower, after I left her home yesterday I instantly wanted to see her again. I'm not sure why or how this is happening so fast but there's something about her that makes me go crazy. I just can't get over how beautiful she is; and how she doesn't even know it, that's beyond me.

I get to her door and ring the doorbell, and this man whom I think it's her father opens the door "Hey I'm here to pick up Tori" He looks at me up and down and open the door letting me pass

"I'm going to get her…" I sit down at her couch; Tori's house is pretty cool, it's modern and has a lot of space "by the way, I'm Tori's father, and I'm a cop" her Dad says from the stairs, is he trying to scare me off?

"Hi" I hear her voice and get up "ready to go?"

"He…Hey…" wow…she's perfect "…Yeah, sure"

"What is it?" she says, running her fingers through her hair and fixing her shirt, I must have been staring like an idiot.

"Nothing" I smile and open the door for her, she walks by and I catch her father staring at me

"A cop!" he says right before I close the door, I think I'm starting to get where Trina got her genes. I remember her, she was a senior at Hollywood Arts last year, and she was always all over the place, she had this crazy idea that I liked her when I hadn't even exchanged two words with her; Definitely the opposite from Tori.

"The barbecue is at André's house" She says and I drive there, she spends the whole drive talking about the book I gave her "It's like they printed a part of my soul in that book" I laugh and she looks at me, concerned "you don't think I'm weird, don't you?"

"Not at all" I park the car and run to open the door for her "It's just that I felt the exact same way" She smiles and blushes leaving the car

"Such a gentleman" She says, and I lock the car. It's nice to see André's home without the incredibly loud music and a drunken Tori on the lawn. We walk side by side and I take her hand in mine, I'm not letting this one go.

"So you are alive!" he pulls Tori in for a hug breaking our hands a part "So how was disappearing from the face on the earth for thirty hours?" He lets her go and he finally realizes I'm here "Beck, welcome to my humble abode!" We walk in and she takes my hand again and I get this rush, the good kind of rush like when I'm about to go on stage for the opening night. The kind that makes you want to feel it again and again.

"Hey!" I hear in a choir and all of her friends stare at her "Beck!" the little redhead, Cat is her name if I'm not mistaken, says

"Hi" I look at Tori and we stand there awkwardly and André appears behind us breaking the uncomfortable silence

"So, who's in the mood for hotdogs?!" they all cheer and he starts to grill the winners, I sit down in the table and they all start to talk about the basic stuff, school and things like that. I just can't wait to be alone with Tori.

"Trina's coming home in two days" She says and they all open a huge smile

"I've heard she throws the best parties" I say, and Robbie opens this huge smile

"Not just the best parties, but also the craziest ones too! Last time she came home she had an underworld themed party…"

"…and it was the best" Jade completes "I mean I really hate Trina…"

"Dude Tori's right there" André says

"I don't mind, I hate her sometimes too" she says, I guess it's not just me than

"Anyway, she hired actual Hyenas that ate flesh in cages the whole time!" I doze off while they talk about the fire and the thousand other things when Robbie puts on music and they all start to dance and sing out loud, Tori gets up and I go along, she moves perfectly against the rhythm and smiles as if she was happy…truly happy. "Look at what I have!" Jade says, waving a little plastic bag with what I imagine is weed

"Yay!" Cat says taking the bag from her hand and running to the table, rolling it in paper, she inhales...and starts to laugh hysterically, and I thought she couldn't get any happier "Tori do you want some?!"

"No, thanks" She passes on to Jade and I feel Tori's lips on my ears "can we go?" I take her hand and we walk out of his house, and I can hear Cat's laugh from outside

"I know this cool place we could go" I say, pulling her to the opposite way from the car "It's really near, we can walk"

"I love a good surprise" she says, and she starts to follow me "You know the day I decided to be a serious singer I told myself I wouldn't do things that are really bad for my voice, so I'm trying to cut down the smoking thing. I was never a huge fan of it, but when I'm in situations like today…"

"It gets hard to say no" I complete and she nods

"Exactly, it's just that I'm not the better dancer and I'm not the better singer so if I do anything to ruin any of those things, I won't have a chance on showbiz"

"What are you talking about?" I turn around to face her, and start walking backwards

"Well, Jade is the better dancer, Cat has the best voice and André makes music! Compared to them I'm nothing" I pull her closer to me and spin her in the air making her smile again

"You might not be the single best in each of these things, but you have them combined" I put her down, and she stares at the gates of the private garden "you are a performer, and in that, you are number one" She grabs my shirt and presses her lips against mine, she wraps her arms around my neck I slip my tongue into her mouth, pulling her even closer to me, I rest my hands on her lower back and she pulls away just to breath

"So…" she breathes heavily "…what's my surprise?" I show her the private garden and she raises an eyebrow "how are we supposed to get in there?"

"Well the owners aren't very smart" I push the gate and show her the way "so they figured a sign saying 'keep out' was enough to keep people out" She giggles and comes in.

* * *

Tori's POV

The garden is very small, there are two brick walls covered in flowers and rights behind them there are two benches and a water fountain with Poseidon on top of it. And it's most marvelous place I've seen in a really long time "How did you found out about this?"

"It was back in freshmen year, I was walking through the city and I tripped, falling inside here" I feel the cold water on the fountain "you'd be surprised on the things people have, and don't use" I turn around to face him, I place one hand on his neck and he smiles, I just love his smile.

"You are so good to me" I say, taking his hand, and brushing my lips against his

"Only because you're worth it" before he can speak again a take his lips to mine, his hands clench my waist and I pull away for half a second to breathe and it already seems too much time apart from him. I run my hands down his chest and hold his jeans as his trail up my body and in my breasts. I kiss his neck and pull him down sitting on the bench, suddenly I can't pay attention to standing up anymore; He trails kisses down my jaw line and my neck, and before he reaches too far I bring his face up to mine gazing into each others eyes

"If only this wasn't a public place" I breathe into his mouth, but not breaking the kiss

"Well in reality this isn't" He smiles furtively and I cut him with another kiss, placing both my hands on his neck and finally pulling away

"You know what I mean" I cross my legs and rest my back on the wall "we've only known each other for a week" He rests his head on my lap and rests his body on the bench

"I feel like I've known you forever" I smile and kiss him "but you are probably right"

I stroke his hair, and listen to the water from the fountain running in the comfortable silence, "So, Sikowitz project is due next week" he frowns

"Do we have to do it now?" he lifts his head up, placing soft kisses on my neck "c'mooon" I hold his head and get up not to fall on his trap

"Trina's going to be home remember? So we will have loud music and drunk people on a daily bases at my house, we won't be able to do it" He gets up and hugs me before I'm able to leave the garden, pinning me against the wall

"We can do it in my RV or here…" he looks around

"I guess you're right" He pulls me down to the bench again and I sit on his lap, wrapping my legs around his torso

"So, did I just get ourselves an extra…" he looks at his clock "…eight hours to not do the work?" He tucks some of my hair behind my ear and kisses my cheek, than the corner of my mouth, and places a soft kiss on my mouth

"I guess we can enj…" He lifts me up in the air and gives me another kiss, making both of us laugh

"And she gave in!" I push him down and he lies down, playing with my hair

"Only because I really like you" I open my mouth on top of his and he corresponds slipping his tongue inside, and I run my hand under his shirt feeling his abs as he pulls away

"That's good, because I kind of really like you too"

* * *

Hello everyone! Please, leave a comment telling me if you thought the first paragraph was too harsh for you guys to read, I can cut the Tori's cutting part and just have her mention afterwards, this is really important for me to know. **Pretty please review, it only takes thirty seconds** and it's important for me to know your opinion to write the next chapter, I only got four on the last one and I didn't know **if you guys wanted me to keep going**. Love you all,

- Kiribati


	4. Broken

"_Suddenly I can see what I didn't before__  
__And I don't care what they say anymore__  
__Cause I'm falling falling (falling falling)__  
__finally falling falling__  
__Finally falling falling__  
__Finally falling falling"_

"That was great guys, let's just do it one more time!" Lane yells. He asked Sikowitz to direct the play since he had a lot of free time, and it's one of his favorites, and I wish he hadn't because he's making us rehearse like we're going to be o Broadway.

"C'mon dude we've done it eleven times already" André says, and I sit down on the stage waiting for them to decide whether or not we're going to stay here. I'm so tired I think I could sleep for twenty hours straight.

"Sophia Michelle is going to watch, THE WRITER! We can't screw this up" We all look at him and I wipe some sweat off my forehead "Fine; I'll see you all tomorrow" I get up and crack my neck

"He's going crazy isn't he?" He whispers in my ear

"Completely" He gives me a kiss on the cheek, sweaty Beck in a no sleeved shirt with his hair all thrown to the side, it's a like a vision of heaven "I'm just going to get changed and I'll met you in the parking lot ok?"

"Sounds great" We part our ways, the men's bathroom is at the opposite side of the school from the girl's one, and since only me, Robbie, Beck and the band stayed for the practice I'm the only girl in like, the whole school. I get in the bathroom stall and take off my shirt and my Yoga pants. All of my cuts are healing really fast, and of the scares are starting to fade. I run my fingers through it, I can't even feel some of the anymore; there's something so sad about it, because as much as I hate to see the scars and having to hide them, but when they fade away…it's like a part of me faded away with it.

I put on the dress I came to school and fix my hair, I'll just take a shower at home; I leave the bathroom and bump into André in the middle of the hallway

"Tori, hey" I give him a hug "What happened to you at the barbecue?" I was hoping he wouldn't bring that up

"Yeah, sorry about that. I wasn't feeling well, so I asked Beck to take me home" he nods and fixes his bag

"So, what's up? I barely saw you today" we start to walk to the parking lot

"I stayed with Beck, sorry" I didn't realize I hadn't talked to my friends at all today… I've never wanted to be one of those girls that switch her friends for her boyfriend but Beck…he's different.

"No problem, oh there's my Dad! Don't be a stranger!" he runs to his car and I walk to the parking lot, and I see _him_ inside the car, and he smiling, I look around, there's only me here. My heart skips a beat and I smile back "So" I shut the door "I had an Idea for the project" He raises an eyebrow and looks back at the road

"Go on" I look down before talking and pull down my dress a bit, I have to do so constantly otherwise the cuts might show

"I was re-reading the book, and this quote caught my attention" I get the book from my purse, and look through the pages until I find one _"We are who are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them"_

"That's one of my favorite quotes actually, we could do a song based on these types of quotes" He adds, reaching my house

"You read my mind" I guess, this project is turning out to be easier than I thought. I get out of the car and open the door for us, feeling his hands on my back almost instantly, I close the door and in a matter of seconds he pins me down the wall and I grin "What are you thinking Oliver?"

"Oh so I'm Oliver now" He says, and raise my eyebrows nodding

"When you have me pinned against a wall you are" I press my lips against his, and hold both his hands making him relaxed, turning us around and putting him against it "What are you gonna do now?" I say, pressing my body against his.

"I actually don't have a problem with this" I let go of his hands and he places them on my back, pulling me ever closer. I brush my lips against his, smiling, I'm so happy when I'm with him…it's so unreal. He kisses me and I give in quickly, lifting my leg up and sliding my tongue into his mouth, I run my hands up to his hair and I can feel his hand reaching my tight…my cuts. I hold it and place it on my lower back and he doesn't complain grabbing my ass lightly; I bite his bottom lip and pull away in the need for air.

"Ok" I bite his bottom lip and pull away in the need for air "we have to write the song"

"Really?" He kisses my neck and I take a few steps back, with my hand on his chest

"I gave you the eight hours remember?" I sit down in the couch and take off my notebook

"And _what _eight hours" He smiles deviously and sits next to me, I put my legs over his lap "Ok, let's compose this bitch" He jokes and smirk.

"Ok, I wrote two verses already, but I don't if they're good"

"Let's hear them" I bite my bottom lip, I hate to read these things, I always blush and get embarrassed

"_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be__  
__and I don't want to go home right now"_I look up to him, he's smiling

"You're such a romantic" I slap him arm and put down the notebook

"Shut up!" I grab his shirt and pull him closer to me "I know you feel the same"

"You couldn't be more right" He brings his lips to mine and let of his shirt putting my hands on his neck, pulling his head towards mine.

"We're not finishing the song today are we?" He nods and I open my mouth resting my back on the end of the couch as he puts his weight over me, his hand runs up my tight and stopping in my waist

"Who would've thought?" I jump off him, not knowing who's at the door "My little sister and Beck Oliver" I breathe out, seeing that it's only Trina

"Hey Trina" she's early, as always

"I guess you have a thing for the Vega girls huh?" I roll my eyes as she sits in front of us, at the table; Trina always thought Beck had this huge crush on her, and they never even talked. I didn't know him at the time too; he might've not even known who she was.

"Hello, Trina" he says sitting up, and I look down…fuck the cuts! I pull down my dress as quickly as I can, I don't think she noticed thought

"So you decided to go for the non-perfect Vega" she gets up and spins around in front of us "But that's fine, I don't think you're ready for this jelly" What is she eve saying?

"Yeah you're probably right" I say, it's better to agree so she'll go away faster;

"Hey honey" My mom walks through the door, she's holding tons of bags from the mall "I was just doing a little shopping with your sister before Tahiti"

Once again, my Mom does nothing but complain about Trina, they run away from her whenever they can but still, she goes out with her and give her clothes…she's a mother to Trina.

"Oh no!" Trina yells running towards my mom "I broke my nail!" her eyes fill up with tears and my Mom hugs her

"Oh, honey let's put some nail polish in there c'mon" She grabs Trina's hand and leads her upstairs, funny thing, when I went to the hospital for the allergic reaction to bush daisies, and almost died, my parents were there for five minutes just to sign my release. But I guess that's how it works, I'm not the priority and I'm never going to be. There will always be someone better or more appreciated than me. I feel someone squeezing my hand and I look to my side.

"Are you ok?" I bite my tongue before speaking, and nod "you sure? You don't look…"

"I'm fine" I say, getting up "I'll put my phone one charger at my room…one sec" I get my purse and run upstairs, I close the door and open my bottom drawer and take the blade off, a tiny one will do the job. I raise the dress, finding a clean spot…just a small one today. To think something as stupid as Trina can be this triggering; I run it against my skin and the blood starts to appear, first there are small spots of it and in the matter of a blink it's pouring down my leg. I take a deep breath of relieve, but I have to do it again, it's not enough, just "one more" I say to myself as the tears start pouring down my eyes, and before I realize I'm sobbing on the bed, five cuts on my leg "no! No! No!" It wasn't supposed to be this many! I said I was only going to do it once and…and…

"Tori are you…" I look up and my chin drops, and I cry even harder when looking into his eyes, I get up and run to the bathroom "just wait!" he puts his foot on the door keeping me from closing it

"You weren't supposed to see it" I cry as my leg pumps with pain "I'm sorry…" I open the door and he pulls me in for a hug, I burry my head on his chest as he strokes my hair "I'm sorry" I say again;

"What happened?" he asks and I gather all my power to speak

"I'm broken" I say and he kisses the side of my head

"I'll fix you" The words hit me like a wave, I shouldn't have done it…he was downstairs he is my rock, he asked me if I was alright and I lied, I can't lie to him. He's here for me, I have to believe it, I need to let him in. This is just like when I tell myself I don't want to talk about it with anyone, because in reality I do, but I'm afraid of people's reaction. I'm afraid they'll never see me the same way again, I'm afraid of the pity in their eyes. "Sit down in the bed, I'll take care of it" I do as he says, and he goes into my bathroom. I quickly get the blade and put in the same spot as always, just in case.

I start to shake, this is typical reaction. And he comes back holding wet cotton; He sits next to me, and cleans the first one, the deepest, "Does it hurt when I do this?" he asks, after going through the first one

"No, I'm used to it" It takes him a while to process the words I just said, but his reaction is completely different than what I imagine. Instead of being mad at me, and saying things such as 'I can't do this anymore, you are too much of a screw up' he takes those words and copes with them, somehow he understands.

He gets up again, and comes back waving a box of band-aids "My little pony band-aids?" I try my best to smile and get up to try to catch the box from his hand, but he raises it in the air

"I like it, they're prettier" I say and he sits down in the bed again, and I sit next to him

"You can be so cute" he raises my dress and start to put them on my leg, and I observe him, they way he handles everything, I have no words for how good he is. He gets up and places the box next to my Laptop, and I stand up too, I'm not sure why. But before I know it we're just standing there, facing in each other saying nothing.

But it's the kind of nothing that means everything.

* * *

Hi guys! I hope you had an amazing holyday! I got the best gift from you guys with the **outstanding amount of reviews! They get me through some tough times** and I hope to have the same reaction on this one! That's all I ask, a **review** (: Love you all to Pluto and back!

- Kiribati


	5. December 20th

_Tori's POV_

I burry my head in his neck and close my eyes knowing that soon I'm going to have to get up. He plays with one of my hands, and has the other over my cuts, running his fingers on top of it nonstop. And it doesn't bother me at all, it's comforting; He kisses my forehead and I take a deep breath before speaking.

"You do know that horrible, loud music is going to start playing at any minute now, don't you?" I lift my left leg and put in top of his right one, so I can move even closer to him.

"But its Monday" I turn around and fix my head on his arm, and now I'm face upwards, but I can barely see anything in the dark "who's even going to show up?"

"Sherwood is already on winter break" he let's go of my hand and places it on my cheek and brings his lips to mine, I push the hair off his face and hold his head closer to mine, I open my mouth and enjoy the silence as we can. The sound of our lips touching, our bodies moving and the little moans we let slip out. To think I've know him for so little time.

'_GO DOWN DOWN BABY ROCK THE FLOOR'_the horrible pop song starts to play, and it's almost an instant turn off for both of us

"I told you!" I say, almost screaming so he can hear my voice and he whispers in my ear

"I think we should go" I nod and get up, half-closing my eyes before turning the lights on so my eyes won't hurt. He stands up and goes to the bathroom; I get my purse and put on a spear dress in it, last time Trina had a party this guy threw drinks at me and got my outfit ruined, so I don't want to risk coming up again to change and have the same thing happening again. He comes out of the bathroom and I unlock my door, and he puts his arm around my waist pulling me close as these group of guys cheer and raise cups as we walk out of my bedroom and I roll my eyes. They don't even know I live here. We go downstairs and the house is already full of half-naked teenagers, couples making out in the dark corners and people on the floor…everywhere. And this is not even her huge party, that's always on Saturday, and it's truly epic but I'm not feeling it this year, not at all.

"So…Trina's party at Saturday, do you want to come?" He drives away from my house, and my ears relax even more "That's the one that everyone always talks about" I add, and lean against my sit.

"I wish, but I'm going to my grandmas' house for Christmas. Where do you want to go?"

"We could order pizza at your RV" he nods and make the turn to his place "so, does your grandma lives here in LA?"

"No, she lives in Canada, Toronto. So I'm flying there Saturday morning with my parents" I look at him as he stares at the road, he's leaving on Saturday…that's so close and…I shouldn't be this upset I mean I've known his for so little time but, he's leaving.

"For the whole winter break?" I ask, trying to sound as casual and not-overly attached girlfriend as I can.

"No, my Mom doesn't really like my Grandma so we're spending Christmas there are coming back to LA before the New Year" I breathe out in relieve, so he's not leaving for so long. I can bear five days without him "she says she loves her office party at the New Year here in La, but my Dad and I know that she hates my Nana. At least she tries to hide it" I smile and look to the window. I don't know why I'm so stressed out about him leaving in five days, it's not like one of us is going to die before the he comes back, and the world isn't ending. But still, now I feel like I need to spend every minute I can with him. And make it count.

"Why did you move away from Canada?" I ask, he knows all these things about me, and I don't know much about him.

"My Mom got this great job offer, and I always wanted to be an actor so it made sense moving to LA" He gets to his parents parking lot and I leave the car, walking towards his RV "by the way" he says opening the door for me.

I stop at the door and look at surprised "what is this?" the RV is dark, but full of Japanese balloon lights and it's amazing. I turn around and take a glance and him, and he's smiling at my reaction and as I feel my heart tightens and I just know it, I don't really know how, or why this happened this fast, but I love him. I get in and sit down in his couch, just looking at all the lights in so many colors; I sit down at his bed, and look at him again in a whole different way.

"Well it's officially December twentieth, happy birthday"

* * *

_Beck's POV_

She opens a bittersweet smile, and gives me a short kiss "what's wrong?" I ask her, she hiding something I can tell.

"I stopped celebrating my birthday last year" I wrap my arms around her and she leans her head against my shoulder.

"What, why?" she puts her legs over my lap and wraps her arms around my neck. And I just love it when she does.

"I think my life isn't worth being celebrated" I place my hand over he tight, I don't know why I do that but feeling her cuts…I don't know I think it shows that I'm ok with it, not that I wouldn't want her to stop but she said it saves her life and could never lose her.

"I think it is" I say, reaching under the couch and handing her the package "in fact, I got you this" She looks genuinely surprised it fascinates me, she told me her parents don't care much about her; And I can't wrap my mind around that, how can they prefer Trina? How can anyone prefer anything over her?

"I can't believe you got me these!" she takes it from the box and puts it on her head "A SOUND BLOCKER!" she yells and nods her head "I CAN'T HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID!" she laughs at herself and takes off the sound-blockers

"You won't have problems to sleep with Trina at home" I say and she puts it back on the box and into her purse

"This is the best gift I've ever gotten" she looks up to me and I pull her face closer to mine "how did you even know it was my birthday?"

"Slap page" I look down at her and put a hand on her cheek pressing my lips hard against her, she quickly opens her mouth letting me slip my tongue inside, and I enjoy her as I always do. I take every inch of her than I can; She pushes me to lie me down on the bed, but I fight it and put her on the bottom this time and she raises her eyebrows, surprised, but quickly wraps arms and my neck and crashes her lips against mine again. She pushes hair off my face and trails kisses down my jaw line to my neck and runs her hands up my shoulders trying to take off my jacket. I stand on my knees so I won't crash down on her and help her with it and I can see her blushing and I grin, kissing her neck when I'm surprised again, when she lifts my shirt up to my neck, and once again I help her taking it off.

She runs her hand down my chest and kisses me again, and I take my hand off her tight and run up her body until reaching the bottom of her stomach and I slide it up feeling the first ones, her body tenses up and she holds my hand "scars" she breathes out;

"I don't mind" I quickly answer kissing her neck to try and make her relax again and she let's go of my hand bringing them up to my face

"They're worse than the ones you saw" I place soft kisses on her mouth and she closes her eyes biting her bottom lip "don't freak out" she tries to sit up and I stand on my knee again to give her the space she needs, and just like that she takes her dress out and for the first time I get to see her body. She's like heaven to me; I've gotten a quick look at the cuts on her stomach before, the day I brought her home from the party; But never like this, they're bigger and I can tell they were much deeper than the ones I saw earlier today, but they're healing, and there aren't any new ones, witch I'm glad.

I kiss her cheek and trail them down until I reach her stomach, and I can feel her heartbeat strong against my body. I hold her hands and expose the cuts placing kisses on top of each one of them, and she relaxes again bringing my head up to her face, her eyes are teary I can tell "thank you" she says with soft voice opening a shy smile.

"You don't need to hide from me" I kiss her check and tuck some of her hair behind her year

"_I know_" she whispers in my ear, lying back down as I kiss her neck, and her collarbones and her breasts as I control myself not the get hard beforehand. She starts to unbuckle my belt, witch is appropriated since she's on her underwear and it makes it that much harder for me to control myself. I kick off my jeans, and thrust forward involuntarily to get back to the position I was before, I go back to her and her hands stop at the elastic of my boxers "can I?"

My heart races like never before, this wouldn't be the first time but it's her…it's the perfect girl and we've already gone much further than ever before and I don't even know why I'm nervous; It's just a little thing it's not even sex, but I'm filled with excitement and a strange feeling, I've never felt this before and I like it, it's an uncertain feeling of joy, true joy that I only get when I'm with her.

I feel her hand wrapping around me and I can't help it anymore, I let myself go as she runs her hand up and down and I can't help but let small moans slip out "you…are…amazing" I manage to say without turning the words in to weirder ways of showing pleasure "I'm close" I warn her, and I don't even know what she does to me, but I can't help myself anymore; And just as she slips her hand out of my boxers I reach my orgasm and I look at her, and she kisses me deeply, our tongues meet and I cup her breasts with my hands and feel her bra loose; I look up again and she nods, giving me full access, I take them completely off and I don't go too fast at first, placing kisses around her nipple and finally gently nibbling her nipples;

I run my hand down her tight and feel her wetness "aren't you going to regret this later?" I ask her, and even thought I want to do anything but stop right now I don't to force her into anything. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, and I can see she's also fighting herself right now, trying to decide if it's better to stop.

"You're going to think I'm crazy" she says, pressing her body against mine "whenever I'm with you I feel like I'm…like I'm going to turn into liquid, or burst into flames"

"And why is that crazy?" she grins and gives me another kiss

"I don't know" her eyes lock in mine, her tiny hands trace my shoulders and down my arms tracing my back and we quickly fall in the same rhythm we were before;

I bite her bottom lip and she lets a moan slip out, and I trace her scars with my fingers again and I feel her excitement even more as I reach even down in her body. She runs her hands in my hair, and I start to pleasure her, and as I dig my fingers even deeper into her she holds on to my neck "b-beck…"

My name has never sounded so good than filled with pleasure in her voice, and I take my shot doing what I'm best at and I feel her toenails curling up, her legs tense and she bites her upper lip and in a matter of seconds she crashes down on the bed, opening her wide eyes "and you said I was amazing"

I roll down next to her, and turn to my side to face her; she puts a leg over me and I wrap her around my arms as she uses my shoulder as her pillow "they say it takes just a few seconds to fall in love" I think out loud, hoping she was asleep not to hear me. She'll think I'm crazy if she know that I love her already.

"Who's they?" She asks, and we both laugh right afterwards, to think about the way I was feeling when she first asked me this question. She was just a girl from my school, who was the complete opposite of me and just happened to like the same band; and now she's much, much more.

"Four days and I'm already in l-"I bite my tongue again, why am I speaking without even thinking beforehand?

"You're what?" she looks at me again, rolling to my side so she can face me properly "Beck?"

"I'm not crazy I swear" I say and she raises her eyebrows, she's the one who usually says these things…but I really do feel like I'm crazy right now, crazy for her "but I…" I take a deep breath "love you. You don't have to say it back really, we've only know each…"

"Oh thank god I thought it was just me!" she cries, wrapping her arms around me again, and as my brain turns into jelly hearing those words, and all I can do is hug her back, and feel our heartbeats against each other "we really are going crazy" she says in my neck and I run my fingers through her hair

"Crazy in love"

* * *

**HAPPY NEW YEAR! And here's a new chapter to have a great 2013! This is year is going to be amazing for all of us I can feel it!**

**Please leave a comment**! I know my last one wasn't good but I worked hard on this one, and for those who talked about 'Back In Time' I should be uploading that one soon. Once again, **please review it takes twenty seconds to make my day!** As you all did all the past times. I hope all the best to each one of you, love you all!

- Kiribati


	6. Fake Shift

Disclaimer: The song is _Iris_ by the _Goo Goo Dolls_

* * *

Tori's POV

I breathe in feeling myself wake up, and I don't need to look at the clock to know the time; I open my eyes, and for half a second I get lost, instead of seeing my nightstand, with my clock marking 6 AM sharp and my pink wall, I look at a neck, and through the corner of my eye I can see a sign saying _'Hard hat and face shield area'_ and a bunch of Japanese lights; And everything starts to make sense again.

I lift my head a bit to make myself comfortable again, my arm is over his chest and neck, and his arm is around my back and this, is the best morning of my life. I blink a few times, this is happening, I'm waking up next to the boy I love, and he has his arms wrapped around me and even better, he loves me back. His hand starts to move and his breathing gets a bit faster as he starts to run his hand up and down my bare back, and I stroke his hair gently "hey"

"Morning" his voice is deep and husky, and it's the sexiest thing "do you always wake up this early?" He takes my hand and rests it on his chest, rubbing mine with his thumb

"Usually" he lets this small laugh out, and his breathing starts to get slower again "I should go" I say, trying to sit up, but he pulls be back to the bed

"No, stay" he kisses my head and hugs me "don't go"

"As much as I'd love to stay" I say, sitting up wrapped in his sheets, and look at in "I have to get ready to school" he tucks some of my hair behind my ear and I give him a quick peck

"Didn't you bring a spare dress or something?"

"Yeah but we have rehearsals, I didn't think I'd spend all night here" I run my hand on his chest before getting up

"I'll pick you up at eight thirty ok?" I nod and give him back the sheets, and in a matter of seconds his asleep again. I gather my clothes from the floor, and soon I'm out the door, walking back home witch is pretty close actually.

The sun is bright, like usual, and for once I'm enjoying it. I have the heart-warming feeling that is so good that I don't even know how to cope with it, I forgot how to handle this much happiness over the last couple of years, And to be honest, I've never been this happy, and I wish everything would just stop, and I'd just re-live the last week over and over again; because I know that this happiness that I'm feeling now, this optimism that things might just start to get better, that these cuts will heal and there won't be any new ones. And that the thoughts that haunt me whenever I'm alone won't ever come back, but deep down I know this…all of this, it's just another fake-shift.

To me, the worst thing about depression or whatever it is that I have, are the fake-shifts. Anything can trigger them, your crush smiles at you, you get a good grade or, in my case, someone loves you back. And you wake up feeling good about your life, great actually, and it lasts for a while, two days, sometimes even a week. And then, when you least expect it you wake up, and everything comes crashing down. Worse than before, and the consequences get bigger each time.

If this is really a fake-shift, witch I'm pretty sure it is. It'd be my third one, and the first one was by far the worse. It was almost a year ago, and I had no idea that this could happen. It didn't even last too long, I had a good weekend, I don't really remember what happened that made me happy, but I do remember that feeling. I woke up on Monday and suddenly every bad thought I had ever had, every bad feeling everything negative about my life rushed into my mind and I…I couldn't handle it. And that was the first time I cut myself on my wrist.

It's common to think that people that self-harm often do it on their wrists, but I live in California. Half my closet is built from no-sleeved shirts and shorts; we have summer all year long so if I cut on my wrists they'd always be exposed. And I don't need that kind of attention, so I have to hide it. I do it on places people won't usually see.

I had to wear jackets the whole week; pretend I had a fever so I could go home and cut class on Tuesday so my parents wouldn't find it weird. Not that they noticed anything, I don't think they even knew why I missed class. Fake-shifts never bring any good, and I'm afraid I'm too happy now to afford another one of those. I'm running out of sources of escape, and…and…no, I can't go there again.

I open the door to my house, and find the living room in total silence, filled with passed out teenagers on the floor and couches, bottles all over the place and quite a few lost items, bras, and pants mostly. This is the worst part of the week, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday when Trina just let people stay here. So they eat all of our food, drink everything we own and when they are able to get over the hangover they start the party all over again; The house smells like alcohol and weed all day long, and once there was this Hobo that came thinking this was a home for _'homeless people that love to party'_ I didn't even know those existed.

And than there's Thursday, when somehow she manages to get everyone out and the cleaning company comes making this house look perfect just so she can take all the furniture out for Friday, to prepare the decorations for her 'master piece' as she calls it, the huge, epic party on Saturday.

"Hey sis!" I jump, and look at the kitchen following the voice. Trina is sited on the counter, trying to open a can of tomato juice with a spoon "where were you? I didn't see you at the party!"

I walk over to her, and help her with the can. As soon as I open it she takes it from my hand and starts to drink from it like a kitten, and it's pretty obvious that she's still drunk, or high, or both "I was at Beck's" I say, and smile at the thought; He saw my cuts, and he was okay with it. I was almost sure that I'd remain barely untouched until all my cuts were healed and most scars gone. And now…I'm not even close to that. He was just so understanding, so – "What's that hickey on your neckline?!" she yells, making a few people grunt, and I look down to see a couple of them and quickly zip up my jacket, turning completely read.

"So you two are already doing it" she talks to herself, I roll my eyes and look for the cereal bowl "are you on birth control? I don't want any Vega puppies popping out of you"

"I'm not talking to you about this" I say, getting the bow and the milk, now where's the cereal so I can go to my room and stop listening to her.

"Just tell me, when did you loose your V-card? Is he good in the sa-"

"TRINA!" I find the box and pour some on the bowl, and I hear someone whispering, asking the both of us to shut up "I'm not talking to you about this"

"Ok! Ok!" she says, getting of the counter and giving me a hug…urgh, she smells like old cigars and sweat "I just thought I could give you some sisterly advice"

"Well I don't need any, thank you very much" I grab my bowl and run upstairs, stepping on this guy that was sleeping on the stairs, now he's trying to figure it out where the milk that fell from my bowl came from. I take the key off my pocket and open my room, put my cereal on top of the table and zip down my jacket. I never thought I'd have to use powder and foundation on my neckline.

I finish my cereal, take a shower and do my make-up, hiding all the hickeys, and still picking a shirt that doesn't show too much and fix my bag for school, no need for gym clothes today since it's final rehearsal therefore we are going to use the figure; I pack my toothbrush and a spare outfit just in case, and put my sound-blockers next to my clock. They're amazing, I was going to buy one of these but I only found ones that were either too big or with a ridiculous pattern, and these are plain black with a white bird on the middle; Absolutely perfect.

I get my purse and quickly get my notebook.

"You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now"

This is good; really good…don't want to go home…

"_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming__  
__Or the moment of truth in your lies__  
__When everything feels like the movies__  
__Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive''_

This is a bit off topic, but it's perfect. And Sikowitz isn't very demanding; I'm sure he'll like it as long as it's real. And boy, I've never written something as real as this. I get up and finish my school bag; it's already eight twenty so Beck should be arriving any time now.

"BECK!" I hear Trina's squeaky voice yelling, and I know this is my cue. I get my things and go downstairs, Beck's standing by the door, arms crossed and he looks up and smiles looking at me. And my heart races and shyly smiles back, I get so nervous when he does that, I feel like I should just burst into a thousand butterflies "so I was telling Tori, since when you two have been sleep-"

"TRINA!" I yell again, fuck why is she so interested in my sex life? It's so weird to think that I even have one since it started…two days ago? Can you even call it a sex life if don't actually have sex? "Just ignore her" I say and he takes my hand leaning closer, as Trina comes closer too "oh my god! You're unbelievable" I say and walk out of the house before she starts asking him about us.

"She's something isn't she?" he says and I laugh, leaning against his car "is it always like that when she comes home? I stepped on four different guys on the floor"

"Pretty much" he places one of his hands on my neck and the other on my hair, and kisses my cheek.

"happy birthday" He says, in a soft voce and I bring my hand to his face and draw his lips to mine; He tastes like mint, but mostly coffee, and as I break the kiss to breathe I feel myself dawned to him again. And he too brings himself closer to me, placing soft kisses on my cheek, and the corner of my mouth, teasing me as shivers run up and down my spine, until I finally reach the back of his head and as if on queue he opens his mouth taking all of me

"BEST PARTY EVER!" I pull away from him, to see this dude wearing nothing but thong, that's opens a huge smile and collapses on the ground right afterwards.

"We should go" going over the guy being careful not to touch him, and getting in the passengers sit "so, I wrote a few more lyrics" I take the notebook from my bag

"me too" he stops the car in the red light and takes a folded piece of paper and starts to read it out loud

And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight"

"Wow" I let the lyrics sink in "that's really good" he hands me the paper and the light turns green again

"I wrote it after I woke up…the second time. And I hope you brought a toothbrush today" I bite my lip and smile, glad that I did "now let me hear yours" I

"_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming__  
__Or the moment of truth in your lies__  
__When everything feels like the movies__  
__Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive''_

Before he can say anything we arrive at Hollywood Arts, we park really near the entrance this time since we're a bit earlier than usual thanks to Trina and the weirdo in the thong. I quickly leave the car, and we walk side by side inside the school "that was really great too" he says, and I breath out in relieve.

"But yours was much better" he stands next to my locker as I put my things in there

"We can fit both of them in the song" I shut my locker and he takes my hand, giving me a kiss on the cheek "you seem happier today"

"I am" I look down, so this is really happening…it must be a fake shift, if he's noticing it means that I'm noticeably happier and that doesn't happen over night without a sick twist behind it.

"That's good, isn't it?" He tilts my chin up so he can face me, and I bite my bottom lip "what's wrong Tor?"

"I don't know yet" he looks puzzled, and as I'm about to explain the whole fake-shift deal to him someone pokes me and lets a super high giggly laugh cutting the tension; I look behind me to see Cat in Sikowitz's clothes.

"Cat why are…"

"I'm dressed like Sikowitz!" she laughs again and we see the teacher coming right in out direction, and stopping in front of Cat with his eyes widen and chin dropped. They look the same, and it's really weird.

"NO! NO! NO!" hey yells and runs the opposite way, Cat being Cat, follows him. And I breathe in before he looks at me again, and I explain him the whole deal, a simplified version of it all and pulls my waist closer to him, kissing the side of my head.

"If it turns out to be a fake shit" he whispers in my ear, and I close my eyes to let the words sink in "I'll be here to make feel good again"

"What if it happens when you're in Canada?" I say, biting my tongue to keep my from crying; And strokes my hair as we stand there in silence

"Call me if it happens ok?" he presses his forehead against mine "I love you, just hold on to that" I kiss him, hearing those words still enchant me, and I can't believe anyone is capable of loving me.

"I love you too" The bell rings, time for Sikowitz.

* * *

**Thank you for all the reviews!** This makes me so happy guys you have no idea! **I hope to get the same amount on this one :') Love you all, always!**

_Oh and the song they're writing is actually "Iris" by the "Goo Goo Dolls" I tried to write a good song but I have no talent whatsoever for that…shame on me yes. Let's just pretend the song doesn't exist in their world xD_

Please review!

- Kiribati


	7. The Happiest

_**Important author's note at the end.**_

* * *

_Tori's POV_

"Hey Festus" me and André say almost in a choir "what do you got for us today?" he asks and Festus checks inside his truck, it's so weird because he works alone, and he's always yelling the orders as if someone was going to get it for him

"I have spaghetti, cappeleti, ravioli…"

"ravioli sounds great-"

"-LET ME FINISH!" he says with his strong Yerban accent and me and André back off, he can get very angry at times…and I don't really trust him enough to stay close. We let him finish telling us all the plates, witch was a waste of time since André and I decide to eat the ravioli.

We sit down at the usual table and he pulls me in for a hug "I almost forgot, happy birthday!" I hug him back but he doesn't gives me a gift just like I asked him to, witch I appreciate.

"Where's Beck?" André asks, with his mouth full of ravioli

"Lane asked him to rehearse extra hours with Robbie" I take a few bites and he's already half way through his "he's going crazy I swear"

"About you and Beck…" I turn all my attention to him "…aren't you two moving a little too fast?"

"What? Why?" I drop my fork to listen to him, André is not one to talk about these things especially when he dated this girl for like two days and there wasn't a second that they were apart, and not making out.

"Trina called me…"

"Oh my god!" She is unbelievable, why is she nagging about me and Beck so much?! Is she trying to ruin my life or something; what's next, texting photos of me and him to Sikowitz? "Don't believe a word she says"

"Ok girl I'm just asking!" he finishes his ravioli and puts it aside "I don't want any Vega pupp…"

"…just stop" I say when Jade and Cat start to walk towards her; she really got into his head "I just want to live everyday like it's my last"

"Why? It's not like one of you is going to die" he laughs and Jade and Cat sit down "are you going to finish that?" He points at my half eaten Ravioli and I give him the rest.

"So Tori, Trina called us" Jade says…oh no…

"No Vega puppies alright!" I yell before she starts to talk about it, and Cat laughs hysterically

"Vega puppies…they could be kangaroos!" we ignore her comment as usual, and Jade stares at me like I was talking nonsense

"What does that has to do with anything?" she asks and I turn my head sideways "I was going to tell you to tell Trina to stop calling me to chat, she's annoying and the next time I throw a hammer in her head" she opens her lunch, she too asked for a Ravioli.

We finish eating, Jade didn't even wished me a happy birthday, and I'm really not mad at all, and Cat being Cat gave me a present, I knew she was going to tough; It's a peacock feather earring, but in the colors pink and purple. I'm actually glad she gave me the present because it's really, really lovely.

* * *

_Beck's POV_

This fake-shift thing is actually really worrying me, more than it should. She could be happy? That's possible, for a person with depression…or whatever she has, to get over it when really good things happen right? "BECK!"

I snap out of my thoughts and look back at Lane "you just dozed off, we are practicing here!" I roll my eyes and sit back in his chair

"Robbie is doing a good job, you're exaggerating" I say, he made us stay in his office during the whole lunch period just to try to make Robbie speak like this specific character from a novel only he knows, and I don't why he got the idea I'd be able to help since I've never hear of such character. I'm starting to think he made it up.

"Am I Beck? Am I?" Robbie gets up and picks up his backpack

"Lane can I go, I really need to eat lunch otherwise I'll pass out" I get up too, and Lane sits down in his chair as if he had lost a war

"Go before I regret it" we quickly walk out of his office, and the hallways are empty since classes already started. But he gave us a free period to have lunch, witch is only fair. We go to Festus truck and Robbie gets his special, gluten free lunch and I order a basic hamburger that he always does, he had mostly pasta today but I'm not really into that.

Robbie starts to talk, and I pretend to listen like everyone does, I don't know how he's capable of talking so much, he should be on the _Guinness World Records_ or something for 'talking knowing that no ones cares award' or something. At least, that way, he'd get something out of it.

I quickly go back to the thoughts I was having in his office, and back at home, and in my dreams. Tori, she always on my mind, but she really worried me. I'm leaving on Saturday morning, right on Christmas Eve. And if I had to leave her any time I think this is the perfect one, the holydays are the happiest time of the year! She'll look at the fake snow and Christmas decorations and she's is going to feel somewhat happy, at least happy enough to go through them without me.

I just wish I could stay, my Dad went crazy when I asked him, he told me that my grandmother barely sees me and she's too exited for us to go there that is too late to cancel. And my Mom won't go without me so I guess I have no other choice. And I know that I won't enjoy them as I did all the past years, but I can't. It's the girl I love, going through hell and I can't do anything about it.

And to think we studied together for almost two years and not once I even considered talking to her, to anyone really. I don't exactly know why I just…didn't need any friends in here; I had my good old ones back in Canada. And I took every chance I got to visit my Grandma and hang out with them, but it all changed. In a matter of I week I discovered the world in her, everything that I didn't miss because I didn't know it was even possible to feel was found in her and to even spend five days apart seems to be too much.

After all, a lot can happen in five days.

* * *

_Tori's POV_

I put the pizza box aside as He eats the last slice, and fold it putting on the trash and look around just by habit, Lane was beyond crazy today. He made us practice until past eight, than we had vocal training until half past nine, and he even asked us to arrive four hours earlier for the play tomorrow. I look at the clock on his wall, it's just past midnight, I take one last look at my phone now calls or messages from my parents. Trina gets a birthweek, I don't even get a text.

"What's this?" I ask, grabbing a notebook with lots of scratches and what seems to be a poem on the end

"No, Tori don't read it!" I raise my eyebrows even more curious "just…" he tries to take from my hand and I put behind my back leaning against the wall

"What did you write on here?" I say in an ironic tone, and he looks dead serious trying to take it from my hand

"Nothing really just give me the notebook" he puts his hand behind my back and I quickly get the notebook and put it inside my pants

"this is really not a problem for me" he grins, I really need to see what's written on it; I turn around and get the notebook holding it firmly so he can't take it from me "don't…"

"I want to know how many scars you have

_and memorize the shape of your tongue_

_I want to climb the curve of your lower back_

_and count your vertebrate _

_your ribs_

_your fingers_

_your goose bumps_

_I want to chart the topography of your anatomy_

_And be fluent in your body language_

_I want you, entire.''_

I turn around, and smile ironically at him "you're such a romantic" I see his cheeks getting red, and I can't believe it, Beck Oliver, blushing.

"Don't…" he says, smiling and I pull him into a kiss

"You are _sooo_ deep" I say, pulling away from him and he grins "such a poet"

"You read it; can you give it back to me now?" I take the notebook and put it in my pants again

"No can't do" he turns his head sideways, and I watch his body language so smooth and sexy and…I breathe in and bite my lip looking up to his eyes

"Tori Vega…are you flirting with me?" I shrug and he gives me this look that is just breathtaking

"Just a little bit" he nods his head smiling and gives me a kiss

"you're unreal" I put my hands on his neck and press my mouth harder against his, I literally can't get enough of him, and every time I get a taste I just want more and more "and that…" he slides his hands down to my waist and holds my jeans "…is mine" he takes off the notebook and throws it aside carelessly and I take advantage of our position to take off his shirt, and I'm glad that he's not wearing too many layers of clothing today.

He runs his hand under my shirt pulling it up all the way to my neck, and I take it off completely. He kisses my neck and as one hand cups my breasts the other runs over my cuts gently, and than go to my back pulling me even closer to him, and I think about the words he wrote, he doesn't talk much. But he does one hell of a good job expressing his feelings, in the most amazing ways.

He lifts up my legs and carries me to the bed, and I've gone further with him yesterday than ever before, and today I have this feeling that I want to go even further…and yeah, we might be moving way too fast, but I have to enjoy my life while I'm happy, because who knows how long this might last.

I unbuckle his belt and push his pants down, he stands on one knee and does to same to mine and I smile, opening my eyes and having straight eye contact with him and it's amazing. He trails kisses down my collar bones and up my neck again "I love you" I breathe, kissing him with hunger, and he kisses the corner of my mouth going up until my ear

"_I love you too"_ He thrusts against me trying to stand on his knee again and I can't help but feel much exciter than ever, but also, I feel like I should tell him. Even thought I've never thought as being a virgin such a big deal like they show it on TV with the whole drama and being treated as a gift, witch I find ridiculous; it's still important, and if he knows it might be…better, less painful I guess.

"Beck…I've never done…_it_, before" He looks me in the eye and gives me an unexpected kiss, and I don't even know why I'm smiling now "are…you?" I feel obligated to ask

"No" I guess I kind of already knew that, and I really don't mind "but, are you sure?" he takes some hair off my face, and I gaze into his eyes.

It's like, why not? I've been on birth control since I was thirteen because of my period, and I love him more than I ever thought is was possible, and most importantly I really want to. "_Yeah_" I whisper running my fingers through his hair and crashing my lips against his.

I can feel him starting to slow things down, but at the same time heats them up, and I'm liking it. I relax on the bed and he cups my cheek placing soft kisses here and there and I mumble those three words over and over again, almost as in reflex to the pleasure.

He trails his fingers down my stomach, and my thighs and over the cuts and reaches the inside of them; I close my eyes again and throw my head back biting my bottom lip trying my best not to scream in pleasure, if can do this with his fingers and I can't even imagine what he can do with_…"oh…oh…" _I can't hold them anymore, and this tension starts to build up _"just…let's…please…"_

He kisses my neck and the tensions builds even more, and it's more than can I can't bare when suddenly it all goes away and I arch my back, curl my toes and clench my fists with this amazing feeling "I…you…I _want to…now_" he kisses my forehead and gets up, I figure he's going to get the condom.

I take the few seconds to catch my breath and sit up waiting for him to come back, and he shows me the little package and I take it from his hand almost involuntarily, I open the package and bite my bottom lip, it's more much slippery than I imagined, health classes in Sherwood weren't very good so we never actually gave us condoms or taught us how to put them one, most teens already knew anyways "can you? I'm not sure how to"

"Yeah, of course" I wait as he puts in on and climbs on top of me…oh my god this is really happening, t "are…"

"Yes" I say before he even finishes the sentence, and he enters me. And it's weird. Weird good, the pain is completely different from what I thought, it's almost like a pinch or something; But know that we are connected, like this, that we are one and that we are fully with each other, that takes all the weirdness off of it, and just makes it much better.

I pull him into a kiss right before he starts to thrust against me, slowly and it's enjoyable, I trace his back digging my nails onto it as he thrusts a little bit faster, and it starts to get better, and I feel his nose brushing against mine and close my eyes catching the scent of his sweat mixed with his cologne, his RV and the smell of Pizza.

And I will probably never be as happy as I am now.

* * *

_Beck's POV_

It's not like I'm the most experienced guy in the world, but I've had my fair share of girls. And they were all pretty good but Tori…Tori felt amazing. I guess being in love does make a lot of difference; and again, like I thought earlier today, all theses feeling I was introduced to, just made things better.

"_I love you"_ I whisper in her ear, stroking her hair and she turns around wrapping her arms around my neck and resting her head on my forehead. She's looks even more perfect up close

"_I love you too" _I press my lips gently against hers, but she and I can tell we're both exhausted from the long day we had; and we get comfortable in each others arms, completely in the dark unlike last night, when the Japanese lights were on.

I yawn, I know I should sleep. But I can't help to just look at her, so quiet and peaceful, and just appreciate all of it. The fact that she's with me, that she's mine; I think I can't go to sleep because for once reality is better than my dreams, and I just wish she could have this too.

"_Beck…_" she says, in a soft voice "…do you think people can get into heaven if they killed themselves?"

Her words get me completely off guard, and I pull her closer to me "what do you mean?" I keep the panic and fear inside of me, those words aren't good "did it happen? The shift?" I ask, in the best tone of voice I can make.

She breathes on my shoulder, and I feel her fingers tracing down my chest stopping right where my heart would be "No…I was just wondering" I breathe in waiting for her to talk, as she usually does; But instead she keeps quiet, witch is even more worrying

"Tori, what…" she cuts me off with a kiss and a smile, again not something that I was expecting.

"don't worry, really" we go back to the original position, completely tied to each others bodies and resting at the same time "I've never been this happy"

"me neither" I quickly respond, as she drifts off to sleep in my arms.

* * *

_**A/N:**_

First of all, I don't know when I'm going to be able to upload, **I'm going to travel** this week but I might find some time to write, so the next upload might be as quick as the usual; Second of all, did I do something wrong or wrote the last chapter really bad? Because I only got way less reviews and yes, I know it is pathetic to count but I was wondering what happened?

**Love you all, always, **

**- Kiribati**


	8. They Won't Understand

_Tori's POV_

Ok this is not going to work, it's already six thirty I'm not going to fall asleep again. But I don't want to wake him up either…I'll just slip my arm and roll, yeah that should work. I hold my breath, and slowly lift my arm up and slide the other one from under his neck successfully. I stand on my knees and unroll the sheets letting them fall on the bed. And gladly he doesn't even move.

I get up, collect all my clothes from the floor and get my bag getting my towel and the spare clothes I brought; I don't want people in school knowing my business. I could run home and take a shower there but…I don't feel like facing drunken people again, at least Trina should be kicking them out right about now.

My phone rings and I quickly put it on silent mode, Trina's calling me. I put on the first shirt I can find and step out "Trina, why are you calling me so early?"

_"Where are you?! Let me guess, Beck's"_ I hear her grunting _"just come home to help me get this people out" _

"I really don't feel like it" I sit down in one of his lawn chairs and untangle my hair

_"Please! The cleaning company is coming in two hours! And there's this guys in a tongue that doesn't want to leave_" I roll my eyes and she keeps talking, my god, why can't she solve her problems alone? _"And the theme is going to be Candy Land so we're going to need more tim…"_

"Fine! I'll be there in ten minutes" I enter the RV and shut the door quietly, damn I thought I had escaped it this year; But if I don't go she'll just keep calling and calling.

"Hey…I thought you'd left" I jump hearing his voice, damn I woke him up. I turn around and go over to the bed and he sits us rubbing his eyes

"I have to go, Trina called" my phone beeps and I show him the new message saying 'HURRY!' and he yawns, and I smile. He looks so sleepy and yet is making such effort just to stay awake.

"Can't you just tell her to call someone else?" he sits up and I sit on the corner of the bed holding his hand, as he rubs mine with his thumb "we don't get one morning together" he puts his hand on my cheek and I press my lips against his

"It's fine, we Thursday morning and Friday morning…and then you leave" I say, getting up and putting my jeans on, and he lies down again.

"Only for five days, and you'll be so busy with Christmas you won't even think about me" I stand by his side and kiss him briefly

"Impossible" I get up gain and put on my jacket still wearing his shirt "good night" he nods with his eyes already closed and I leave the RV. The weather changed, and I think it's going to rain witch is odd for LA, but it's the type of weather I'm fonder of; more clothing, less hiding, that might be why I always wanted to go to New York, the weather is much, much better for my situation.

I get home, and there are some screaming going on, mostly Trina, oh damn "TORI! FINALLY! TELL THIS MAN HE CAN'T LIVE HERE!" she yells, and the guy in the tongue looks at me and starts to jump

"I DON'T WANT TO GO AWAY!" he jumps on top of the couch and Trina looks at me waiting for me to take some action, fine.

"Excuse me sir" I poke his arm and he looks at me ands creams

"OH MY GOD!" he runs outside the house and Trina locks the door. What just happened?

"Good job sis" she goes upstairs and I look at the famous panda sitting at the couch, he's known for following Kenan everywhere, he must have come yesterday. And that one we don't even bother asking to leave, he does whatever he wants whenever he wants.

I go upstairs and unlock my door, the hallway is already empty, and she outdid herself this time, only two people by morning. She must have huge plans for this one; Gosh if I knew all it took to scare the guy off was showing my face I'd have just sent her a picture. I leave the shower and as I turn off the water I realize it's pouring outside, thunders and all, fantastic.

_Beck's POV_

This is so weird, I've been living in LA for a long time and I think this is the second time it rains this hard, I bet some schools are even closing because of it. I actually love rain; since I was raised in Vancouver if there's something I'm familiar with its rain, and I've missed it, I don't like summer clothes so I always wear pants and boots and two, sometimes event three layers of clothing on summer but I just don't do the usual LA look. Good thing I don't get hot easily. I park my car at Tori's place, no guy in a tongue this time, good start.

"It's raining!" I look at the door and she has a huge smile as she yells from the door "isn't it amazing?!" I smile surprised and she runs to the car holding an umbrella

"You like rain?" she closes the door and puts the umbrella inside a plastic bag "I'd never have guessed "

"Love it" she places her hand on my neck and I kiss her, and she quickly leans over me pressing us both against the door, slipping her tongue into my mouth. She pulls away and sits on my lap; I slip one of my hands to her back and under her shirt.

"You really love rain" I say and she giggles, throwing her head to the side, so hot.

"I love it!" she kisses my neck and we fall back to the rhythm we were before, I run my hands on her waist and her hair, and she keeps kissing me like crazy, I don't know what's gotten into her but I like it. I kiss down her jaw line and she bites her bottom lip, it's amazing the way she moves. She runs her hands down my shoulders and holds my shirt tilting my chin up and pressing her lips on mine.

"We should go to school" she breathes out, going back to her sit and pulling the mirror to fix her completely messed up lipstick and I drive off her house "We really need to finish Sikowitz project, its due tomorrow"

"It's tomorrow? Damn this week went by fast" she nods and grins

"Too fast" I put my hand over her knee and when we stop on the red sign and she rests her head on my shoulder "I'm ok, don't worry" she gives me a peck before I go off again. We get to Hollywood Arts and we can see the parking lot is a lot emptier than usual, what we can see of it anyways since the rain is pouring even harder now.

I get the umbrella and wait for her to get out, but it's not enough the rain is coming from all sides and the wind ruins it completely making us both completely wet just in the small way to the school. She goes to her locker to get the things out of her purse before they get too wet and I go over to mine to get gum, no need for books witch is another reason why I love HA.

"Is Trina having another party today or are you actually going to stay at my RV for once?" I ask leaning against the lockers next to hers

"I hope so, but it's Trina you never know"

"OH NO!" I turn around as I hear someone yelling, to see Lane running in our direction "you two can't get wet or you might get sick! You need spare clothes and…c'mon!"

_Tori's POV_

"Lane we're going to be f..." he takes mine and Becks' hands and rushes us to his office "well alright" He turns up the heating and hands me and Beck and blanket

"Get warm, you can't have a cold! Now I'm going to grab you some clothes and you two just stay!" I sit down in one of his many couches and look around; there are several bottles of lotion all over the place.

"I was looking at our lyrics, I think we just need one or two verses to make the chorus and we're done" he says, sitting next to me "we could work on right after school since Lane will probably not let us leave"

"Well thought" I say pushing his wet hair back and gazing into his eyes, and he gives me a smile, a true smile witch I'm not used to see in him "do you think Lane is going to talk much longer?"

"What's on your mind?" I press my lips against his and I figured he already knew what I was thinking of because he quickly corresponds. I put my legs over his lap to be more comfortable and he puts his arm around my back

"Here are s…whoa not in my office!" we jump away from each other, for a moment there I forgot I was in his office gosh "here, I got you these" we get the bags and head out to the separate bathrooms. Now let's see what he got me…

"This is amazing" Jade says and I sit down on my usual sit at Sikowitz "I think this is a good day for an yearbook picture what do you think Tori?"

"Jade c'mon…" she laughs deviously and sits down on the other side of the room, but still looking very amused by my clothes, why did Lane had to pick this?

"Oh my god my day this is perfect" she says, and I look at the door, Beck's walks to my side wearing the exact same thing as me, a sponge bob jumpsuit with sponge bob shoes, and even so he managed to look really hot in it.

"What goes through Lane's mind?" he says and I laugh at how grumpy he is "at least you look adorable" he holds my cheeks and I pull away

"Look who's talking, how did you manage to make this look cool?" he grins and I look behind us, Sinjin is staring and smiling

"YES! OH YES!" he rips his pants off and his shirt, and it's left with a sponge bob suit just like ours and runs off, he is a weird dude.

"Hey Tor…what's the deal with sponge bob?" André asks, sitting next to Beck

"I'll just tell you later" Sikowtiz comes in through the window

"Morning students, Beck, Tori I appreciate the matching outfits to show your love and to mark your… territory but please don't do it anymore it creeps me out"

I don't know if I should laugh, or if he was actually being serious "oh man! Why did you got the sponge bob one?" the whole class looks at the door, where Robbie and Rex stand wearing matching pink and lilac jumpsuits.

"This day just keep getting better and better" and there Jade goes again, and Sikowitz looks totally confused, this is going to be a long day.

_Beck's POV_

She takes a sip of her soda and I throw my used napkins into the trash. Lane gave us one hour of break, we just figured what was the point to go back to either one of our places since we would stay for twenty minutes tops and than come back to school. So we decided to eat at this fast food place that's really close to our school, oddly enough I didn't even know it was here, and I don't if it was just me being really hungry, but the food is really good too.

"There's something missing to our song" she says, and I look over it "this is so hard, why do we have to tell everyone who we are?" she says and hands me what's left of her fries

"Well Sikowitz kind of told us to" I say before eating some of the fries, as she groans "We can think of something good"

"I know we can…but I just feel like…" she sighs "I want my fries back" she takes them from my hand and eats it in like half a second "I don't want to tell everyone who I am, because they are not going to understand"

She looks down and I take her hand, they won't understand…they… "That's it, that's the key to our song"

"Telling Sikowitz we're not going to show them who we are?"

"No, even better, just hear me out"

* * *

_Tori's POV_

The curtains open and as I soon as I take the first step on stage all my nerves and insecurities go away, and a new rush comes up, with adrenaline and all the energy necessary to make this show the best one possible.

Robbie is doing really great either, but whenever Beck steps on stage I think me and everybody else knows he steals the scene, I know he can be super laid low and seem like kind of an emotionless guy in public, but I swear when he steps on stage he's just…breathtaking

"So I'm on my private jet almost half way to Barcelona when I say to the pilot turn around we're going to Prague!" he laughs hysterically and Beck goes to stage again "I'm hilaurious aren't I! Hey you there!"

"Yes sir"

"That luggage is very expensive! Don't just…toss it around like a monkey" Robbie is doing this weird thing with his voice, I don't know what's the point but it feels like he's doing a lot of effort just to speak simple words

"I'm sorry…"

"…wow wow wow, check out the girl coming this way. Oh my god she's gorgeous"

"She's beautiful" and nothing else comes out of Beck's character at this moment, just the emotion on his eyes, and mine, and it's not hard at all for me to pass the chemistry on stage and practically ignore Robbie. The play goes on and on, and I can tell Sophia is liking it, I'm just glad Lane will get off our backs.

"Jus say you'll marry me!"

"Excuse me but most women don't want to be treated like this when they're being proposed to"

"OH COME ON! I'm rich! I'm handsome! I have nine boats! STOP ACTING LIKE A STUPID GIRL!" ok he went a little overboard…

"I think you have a little something there" and I slap him, throwing him on the ground and I'm afraid I'm a little too amused by doing this. Half the stage goes dark and I turn to Beck, grand finale.

_"Suddenly_  
_My choice is clear_  
_I knew in only you and I were standing here"_

We start to do the routine, and the songs pick up and we maintain eye contact during the whole song, and before I even know it I staring into his eyes and the audience is applauding, and Lane looks like the biggest weight is not his anymore.

"Very nice work" Sophia Michelle says and we all let out little squeaks of happiness "But I have a flight to take so…bye" she leaves the stage and the audience comes to talk to us and slowly leaves too, leaving just me Robbie, André and Beck.

"So do you guys want to grabs some dinner?" André asks, and I check my phone for the time

"It's already past eleven" Robbie says quickly "I already past my bed time so I should head home"

"Didn't she kick you out?" Beck asks, putting his arm around my waist and I press my body against him, with my head on his shoulder.

"She's giving me one more chance" he shrugs and walks away

"Are you guys up?" André asks and I run my hand up and down Beck's back

"Yeah s-"he begins to say

"-but we can't remember?" I cut him off and he looks at me "we have… Sikowitz's project to finish" he widens her eyes and nods agreeing

"Yeah that project…what a bomb huh?" André picks up he's keyboard

"Sikowitz…yeah that's cool" his phone rings and he rolls his eyes "I gotta go it's my grandma" he walks out of the stage leaving me and Beck alone

"Sikowitz?" he says wrapping some of my hair in finger "you know you're a really bad liar"

"Do you want me to tell him that we're not busy?" I sat walking after him "hey Andr-"

"No…I'm fine with the bad lie" I stand on my tiptoes and he presses his lips against mine briefly before I pull away and walk to the backstage to get our stuff "your such a tease" he says, and I sit down on the stool to change my shoes

"Oh I am?" I say, and he sits beside me "we'll see about that" I crash my lips onto his and he falls back bringing both of us to the floor

"Alright you're not a tease" He settles down putting his head over my backpack and I sit down on his lap, leaning over to kiss him

"I forgot my sc…whoa! Not in my backstage!" Lane yells, right before I jump getting up trying my hardest not to laugh.

* * *

**A/N: **Not my best chapter, I know, but I just tried to squeeze time to write during the trip! And since I won't be able to upload in the next 25 days (too long I know), I just wanted to put something on here, but don't worry big things are coming. Oh and news! If any of you read my story **'Is Somebody Out There'** I uploaded a sequel called 'There Is Somebody Out There'!

**Please Review! It means A LOT.**

- Kiribati


	9. Freshly Made Coconut Juice

Tori's POV

He kisses me softly and brushes some hair off my face "was it better this time?" I nod and kiss him again; it barely hurt, and it was much better. I know how this goes, the more you do it the better it becomes. But to me it's not only about the pleasure, it's knowing that I'm fully with him, that in the craziness that is my life and my deep dark thoughts I can find peace being with him like this.

We both sit up and I reach his shirt putting it on "I'll be right back" he nods and I go to his bathroom, and look myself on the mirror, it's been three days since I've been feeling this happy. The longest shift I can remember. Maybe it's not a shift, maybe I'm actually happy. People get happy, that happens, they get over their problems and they let go and get better…that could happen to me too, right?

I turn off the lights and go back to the RV, it's still raining witch is amazing, the quietness that is outside, the only noise being the water pouring down and his laptop playing the song 'Breakneck Speed' in a low volume are just a few factors that make all of this that much better. It's the perfect night; I open his fridge and grab a coke that quickly burns my hand from the cold, since the inside of his RV is usually pretty warm "do you want one?"

"Yeah, sure" he says, not breaking eye contact with his Laptop; I throw him the can and go back to bed taking a sip off mine "are you going to steal one of my shirts every time you sleep here?" He turns up the volume a bit right before putting the Laptop aside.

"Now that I think about it, probably" I grin and he cups my cheek pressing his lips hard against mine, I put down the soda and as he pulls away to breathe I deepen the kiss. Another thing that I learned to be true, the more you do it the more you want to keep doing it. I spread my legs just a bit to make myself more comfortable, and letting him come closer.

I run my hand down his bare shoulders as he runs his up my waist, and he places soft kisses down my neck as I cock my head sideways, rolling my eyes trying to fight the temptation; running my hands through his hair and letting small moans here and there slip out "do you want your shirt back?" I ask and he looks up, nodding his head

"I really like that shirt..." I giggle as he pulls it up and I wrap my arms around his neck already feeling his erection on my thigh, and cell of my body starts to pump really hard. And I can feel my heartbeat everywhere, but in a good way and the few seconds I have to wait for him to put on protection already seem too long. And as soon as he turns back to me I press my hands against his shoulder and let him sink in, and it so different from the first and second time, even thought that one was only a few minutes ago.

Our breathing gets a lot faster, and I love how every time each of us makes the slightest attempt to move or change the rhythm we just end up finding more and more pleasure, and it gets harder and harder not to scream as he lets breathless moans on my ear; This is different from anything I've ever felt before, it better than anything I've felt. And it doesn't stop, it just keeps increasing and increasing and…and…oh…

We both collapse on the bed, which is not a high fall since we were only a few centimeters up holding each other, and I think; No, I don't think, I'm pretty sure I just had my very first orgasm. I roll down to my side, trying to slow down my breathing, and pull up the covers; and he does the same, so we're face to face. I find his hands and intertwine my fingers with his, and observe how much bigger his hands are compared to mine. But no excessively, they're the perfect size, and I could hold on to them forever "I tried to buy you a seat on the plane-" he says stopping to breath "but it was full, I'm sorry"

I'm smile shyly at the thought of him thinking about me, and convincing his family to let me go with them "you didn't have to…" I say before kissing him briefly on the lips, and bringing myself closer to him; And I feel his breathing slowing down, but his eyes keep open "I love you" I whisper, and shut my eyes hearing the same words coming from his mouth.

* * *

I get up leaving Beck asleep and shut the blinds, he does not deserve to wake up this early like all the previous morning just because I'm a freak that wakes up with the roosters. I quietly make some instant coffee, making too much noise when putting it on the table, not waking up though, I guess he's really worn off by last night;

I take a sip of coffee, maybe that's my problem, I'm already awake and I still drink coffee…I should quit it, it might help me get some sleep. I put the mug aside, and collect my clothes from the floor and the edges of the bed, and head to his bathroom; turning off my phone before going in, I'm not helping Trina this time, not today.

I'm amazed by the hair products he owns, I knew it! I knew since the first time I saw him he cared about his hair, it looks so effortless but look at his shampoo bottle _'specialized for brown, mid cut wavy hair'_ and its made of some fancy plant called _'jojoba' _this must be really expensive, and he probably buys it on one of those hair saloons in Beverly Hills.

I find myself too happy with this information, but I'm just satisfied that I didn't get him a hundred percent wrong, just…seventy percent, because I really thinks he considers his hair at least thirty percent of the most important things in his life. Not that I'm complaining.

I get out after almost an hour of doing nothing in front of the mirror. Just literally killing time, trying to distract myself from thinking about today's first period, Sikowitz.

"Good Morning" I open the door to see he's already up "what's that look on your face?" I sit down in his couch and cross my legs picking up his Laptop

"I'm just really glad that I got to use your special Jojoba shampoo" he grins "where do you even buy that stuff"

"nowhere…" I offer him my hand pulling him closer, and he reluctantly walks in my direction

"…you buy them in one of those fancy salons don't you?" he nods, trying to hide a smile, and I successfully confirm my theory "I knew it!"

He nods his head and I start to laugh, teasing him about how uncool it is for him to go to 90210 only to buy shampoo and conditioner, so he made it clear that it was not just for that; He also bought a special spray to preserve his roots. Witch, somehow led us to make out.

"Ok…ok…you need to go get ready for school" I say, pulling away and opening his Peartunes "go take care of your beautiful hair"

He goes in the bathroom and I put on some music, and zip up my boots. Everything will be just fine today, "Sikowitz will love the song" I say out loud, trying to convince myself of it. But the nerves won't go way

I hear some weird pounding noises, and pause the music…oh god someone's knocking at the door "C'mon Beck open up!"

I run to the bathroom door and open it slightly peeking in, and oh my goodness he's naked. I mean, duh, obviously he is, he's in the shower. And I love the view but I can feel the blood flushing to my face, and I know I'm turning as red as a tomato. I shouldn't feel like this considering well…all of our nights together, but its one thing when we're in the dark, occupied with things other than the view. But he doesn't seem to be bothered at all, which makes me act that more awkwardly "there's someone at the door"

"it's probably just my dad" I nod and shut the door and quickly open the RV`s one

"Oh…" the man says, looking at me up and down as I step aside letting him enter "you're not my son" I laugh awkwardly and he puts a guitar on the counter "I'm Beck's Dad, Richard"

"Nice to meet you, I'm Tori…" I pick up my purse trying to look as if I had just gotten here, not like spent the night but my wet hair probably gives me away. I'm just glad I'm fully clothed.

"So you're the reason my son has been missing for the last couple of weeks" I smile, and he looks away and picks up a guitar from under the bed and starts to punch the bathroom door, bursting it open "Why was Beth on the floor?!" he yells. And I get a quick, frontal look of Beck making me blush all over again as if this wasn't already awkward enough "You have to treat her with respect and.."

"…love, I know Dad" he completes and I look at him again, but he's already on his jeans, how does he get dressed so fast? "If it bothers you that much, you should just give me a guitar"

His Dad picks up the one he brought in, and hands it to Beck "you always know just how to get what you want" he says, and Beck pulls him into a hug.

"This is perfect" he plays some chords and his Dad turns away heading to the door opening it, and standing by the steps half outside

"Good luck at the presentation today" he tells us, shutting the door.

We rehearse the song a couple of times before leaving, I sing and he makes sure that the guitar is in the right key. And the nerves start to get worse by the second, there's no way of avoiding it now. We're going to school, and pouring our souls out to the whole classroom. Oh dear god.

"Are you going to sing with me?" I ask, stepping out of the RV and leaning against his car

"Tor…" I stand on my tiptoes and give him my best puppy look, but he responds by kissing the tip of my nose "your voice is much better than mine"

"You saw the reaction at the play when we sang together" I argue back, I really feel like it would be a lot easier if he just sang with me, I know I'm not doing this alone since he'll be right behind me playing the guitar, but still _"pleeeasee"_

"I'll think about it" he says, opening the door for me and I shrug in disappointment. I'm pretty sure the thinking about it was a no; How can he not hear himself when he sings? His voice is soft, and its incredible. And plus, half the girls in there would love it just for it, and even some boys too some boys too. The ride to school is quiet, and when we finally get there my nerves just get worse. He attempts to calm me down in lots of ways, but its impossible.

What if the laugh at us? What if someone films it and makes a stupid, offensive remix off of it? What if I screw up the lyrics? What if-

"Morning dear students" Sikowitz pulls up a chair and sits down in the middle of the classroom, lifting up he's shirt reveal a clipboard, and I take a peak on it to see the list of the names and the order in which the students are presenting. I'm glad to see is the same as sorted, so me and Beck are the last ones today. That's good, or…oh god maybe its worst if we're the last ones! Everyone will be bored, and Sikowtiz won't pay much attention and…

"…don't worry" I feel his lips on my ear, in a whisper, and I breath in calming myself down as much as possible "we did a good song, Sikowitz will like it I'm sure"

"And to start the day please Robbie and Andre go up the stage I wish you the best of luck" they quickly move to the front, and Andre install his keyboard in a matter of minutes due to his practice, he always says is not the same as playing a piano but the keyboard has to do since well, it is practically impossible to take a piano everywhere he goes.

He starts to play, and Robbie sings a duet with Rex witch is perfect, and it's quite funny too, I guess he managed to 'control' Rex's big mouth for this morning "but I'm not about narcissism let's hear for the best…" Rex raps changing the rhythm "…musician I've known my partner and bro, Andre" Robbie completes and he starts to play the most amazing solo, reaching all the notes and moving from jazz to rock. And what better way to describe Andre other than a really good melody, written by himself, obviously.

They end the song, and the whole class gives them a standing ovation. Including Sikowitz, and I really wish I had presented before them, because there is absolutely no way to top that; or to even get close, it was amazing.

They go on, one work after another and most of the are pretty good, but then there are the really weird ones, like Sinjin's that didn't even have a partner; Who spent the whole time talking about how he overcame picking his nose and that helped him smell thing better. And that he'll stay alive as long as Disco is played. Than he tried to sing the all-time hit '_staying alive'_ but ended up being thrown off stage by Jade.

And now the last presentation before mine is going on, but I can only focus on my nerves, and my heart is beating so fast that it feels like is going to pound out of my chest. I don't even know what they're talking about, I just know its not singing. And that people seem to be bored so they won't pay much attention to my work, which might be good, if they don't pay attention they won't have any material to mock me. If they mock me, they might like it…but… "Last but not least, Beck and Tori lets finish this class with a golden key shall we?"

Beck offers me his hand to go up the stage and I fix the microphone; I look behind as he's already sited on the little wooden stool and I nod for him to start, its best if I just rip the Band-Aid off and get it over with. He plays the first notes and I decide its best to just stare at his fingers, the chords and the guitar. It's like we're in his RV, no one's watching, it's just me and him.

"_And I'd give up forever to touch youy __  
__Cause I know that you feel me somehow__  
__You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be__  
__And I don't want to go home right now__And all I can taste is this moment__  
__And all I can breathe is your life__  
__Cause sooner or later it's over__  
__I just don't want to miss you tonight"_

I reach the choir, and as I begin to sing it I get swept off my feet when hearing his voice along with mine, finally and I finally gather courage to look away from his fingers and look at him, at his eyes and even thought we are singing our hearts out in the classroom no one will ever know how much this means to us.

_And I don't want the world to see me__  
__Cause I don't think that they'd understand__  
__When everything's made to be broken__  
__I just want you to know who I am__And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming__  
__Or the moment of truth in your lies__  
__When everything feels like the movies__  
__Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive__And I don't want the world to see me__  
__Cause I don't think that they'd understand__  
__When everything's made to be broken__  
__I just want you to know who I am__  
_

We finish the song, he stands beside me to wait for Sikowitz's final words, and I vibrate not getting much from my classmates; they're not booing but they're not applauding either. All I get is the same stare, and I really don't know what it means, "Tori, Beck…I felt your soul wandering around like a light breeze that became a hurricane; that carried the smell of freshly made coconut juice"

He gets up and starts to applaud, and the class follows. And I look at Beck that gives me a good_ 'I told you so' _look. And I feel happy, happy that people liked my work, happy that someone loves me and happy that I've never been this happy.

Please god, kill me now so I can die feeling like this.

But the thing is, he doesn't. And the bell rings and I go over to my next class, and I'm carried with this feeling; an urge to do something really selfish, something that I've been trying to avoid in every way possible. It's impossible not to think about it now.

This is as good as it gets.

* * *

**A/N**: Hello guys! New chap finally came out, I'm back from my trip so I intend to go back to my regular updates. I'm really sad that Victorious is over, but Victoria made a post on her tumblr about what she thought the future of the students would be, and she made it clear that Beck and Jade broke up. And so did Avan in one of his videos, that might mean something right ;)

I hope you aguys like this one, **PLEASE** review.


	10. Not Perfect

Beck's POV

"The theme is candy land?!" Jade yells, throwing one of the thousand flyers Trina spread all over school on the trash can "I knew she wasn't going to top last year's theme"

"I love it!" Cat yells, sitting down between Robbie and Tor; This is all I've heard all day, Trina's party, but people say pretty much the same thing _'__it is always epic'_ and '_I don't remember any of it'_; so I am kind of exited to go, it's not like I'm going to drink since I have a plane to catch at six AM. I don't need any extra substances to have the worst headache on the plane, and I really don't want to find out how that feels plus a hangover. And of course, Tori, I can tell she's not really in the mood for the party. And I'd rather spend my time with her, than in a room with a bunch of high, drunk teenagers while being sober "It's much more fun! No mean felines this time!"

"Those hyenas were awesome" Jade argues back "even though I wasn't allowed to play with any of them…stupid animal control!" She yells getting up and walks away tearing all the flyers in her way. She is a weird girl. The bell rings and everyone starts to head back to inside of the school slower than usual since today is the last day before winter break.

"Let's skip the rest of the day" Tor says, right before we go in "I want to enjoy the day before you go"

"And I am not one to argue" she smiles taking my hand and we turn around heading to the parking lot "where do you want to go? We can't go to my RV, Consuela is there today"

"Consuela?" she asks, and I turn the engine on

"The housekeeper" she nods and I take off, something's different about her today. She seems more down to earth, she's not all that cheery like on the last three days. But I don't think she shifted back just yet, I mean she's not crying on anything like that, she's just quieter. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

"let's go to the garden" she says, smiling I smile too, almost as a reflex "maybe we'll get lucky and it'll start to rain again" I laugh at the thought, we are the only people in LA that enjoy rain, absolutely perfect. I really should take her to Vancouver with me someday, I bet she'd fall in love with the city. And my Grandma would love to meet her, she's always the one saying I shouldn't hand out with my best friend Moose, because he has sort of a reputation of being very 'fond' o Canadian girls and 'go steady' with a nice girl.

I make my way to it and park a couple of blocks before, on the only public parking in the area and we start walking towards it, no rain though "Tell me about Trina's party last year" I say and she raises her eyebrows placing on hand on her forehead as if she had regained the hangover.

"it was…" she laughs "I honestly can only remember drinking a lot, doing a lot of stupid things and locking the door to my room so no one would enter because lots of couples were trying to get in" I laugh and she grins "I have a hard time controlling myself in parties"

"I can see that" I put my arm around her lower back as we go around the corner, and I can already see the gates to it "how does Trina manages to get the house cleaned by the time your parents get home"

"She pays a cleaning company to do it, it's really expensive, but gets the job done in two hours, tops" impressive, I wonder where she gets all that money. We reach the front gate and I take a look at it before pushing the gate "they took the sign off"

"Maybe they are going to put up a more threatening one" she says pushing the gate, that doesn't even move "what?" I push it too, and it's locked. They take the sign off, and lock the damn garden.

"No way…" I say, nodding my head, and hopping on one of the metal bars on the gate "a lock won't keep us out, c'mon"

"What?!" I offer her my hand and she looks at me stunned "no…no…we're not breaking in"

"We already did it before" I tell her and she keeps denying my hand "I'll help you jump"

"No, one thing is breaking in when the gate is opened, it's a whole new thing if we have to climb the gate" I wait for her and sights, looking up at me "fine, but if they call the cops you are totally kidnapping me" she says, holding my hand and hopping on it too and I laugh

"And I'll make sure to run and get on the first flight to Vancouver" she chuckles softly and I help her move to the other side and I follow; In a matter of seconds we're in inside the garden and nothing happens, no cops, no alarm, just like I imagined "was it that bad?" I ask her and she gives me a slight push going over to the fountain and running her fingers in the water, the same way she did that day after Andre's barbecue.

"Not yet" I grin and pull her by her waist pressing my lips against hers "coming here was a _great_ idea" she breathes out with the cutest smile on her face "holy…" we hear a very loud clap of thunder, right before it starts to pour "an amazing idea!" she yells, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me again.

I brush the hair from our faces and capture her lips with mine, as she opens her mouth deepening it, the water pouring down both our faces and at this point we are both soaking wet, and neither she nor I could give a crap. We just want each other.

"This is too perfect" she says I lock my eyes with her, trying to figure out what she means by it, but it definitely wasn't in a good way

"What's wrong with perfect?" she nods her head, and her eyes glow as if she was keeping an enormous secret; I cup her cheek keeping her from breaking eye contact

"Once you reach perfect…" she says, and I can see sadness flashing through her eyes, this isn't good "you know what? Never mind" she presses her lips against mine but I pull away

"Talk to me Tor" she bites her bottom lip, and I run my hands up her back until her shoulders and down to her hands, intertwining my fingers with hers "what's wrong with perfect?"

"It's all downhill from there" she looks down, and I tilt her chin up "Shit…!"

We jump hearing another even louder clap of thunder, and notice a lightning bolt and a three falling on the house right across the street "I think we should go!" she says; I lift her up helping her jump to the other side, and we hold on to each other while walking back to my car. I breathe out when we are both in it, and she bursts into laughter "that's was actually pretty fun"

I roll my eyes with a smirk on my face "I think it's best if we go to your house" she nods and I drive off, turning on the window wipers "this situation is not perfect" I tell her, and she shrugs looking out the window "it just isn't, because if it was you'd be going to Canada with me tomorrow, or I'd be staying in LA and we wouldn't have to be apart" I stop there, before we opening the window to the future talk, because that's the one that I'm really trying to avoid, the college subject, I've never mentioned any of it to her because she's already too worried with too many things; And I really just want to enjoy the right now while I can instead of getting caught up with the thoughts of being apart from her for good, or at least a semester.

"That's true, it could be better"

"Oh hell no!" Trina yells as soon as we walk in the living room "You two are soaking wet! You're going melt my candy!" I look around in the few seconds before Trina forces us to go upstairs without touching anything. And I have to give it to her, she might not have any talent for singing, or dancing, but she does a great job planning events. She took out most of the furniture from the room and replaced it with candy-themed chairs and love seats. There are cotton candy clouds, and huge candy canes all around and thousands of peppermint candies hanging from the ceiling; And it's not even completely ready according to her "Just stay upstairs until you're both dried"

She unlocks the door to her room and in the second we get in and locks it back "Trina's going nuts" she laughs and turns on the TV taking her shoes off "give me your clothes" I look at her suspiciously doing as she asks. I hand her my shirt and she goes back into the bathroom handing me a towel and I hand her my pants

"I'm the only one who has to strip down?" she smirks and throws me my shirt that she took home one night "I'd like it better if we both striped down"

"Shut up" she holds both my cheeks and presses her lips hard against mine briefly "I don't have any pants, but I can get one of my Dad's for you"

"No need" I shrug and sit down in her bed and flip through the channels "what time does the party starts?"

"Eight" she says, from inside her closet, and it's huge, probably half the size of my RV. I look around her room, and she comes back in leggings and a hoodie jumping right beside me "but the music starts way, way earlier, Trina needs her warm up"

"And when does the good stuff comes?" she turns her head sideways

"…the drinks?"

"The food, I'm starving" she looks at as if not believing what I just said

"We had lunch twenty minutes ago" No one ever said being a seventeen year old teenage boy was easy "I don't think there will be food expect for candy" I get up "where are you going?!"

"To get some candy" she gets up and takes the key from my hand "what's wrong?"

"You're going in your underwear?" I look down, I almost forgot about it;

"I really don't mind" her chin drops

"Trina's downstairs" oh, not a good idea to be near her on my underwear "What do you want I can just get it for you?"

"No it's fine" I hold her hand taking her away from the door, and kiss neck her neck "I think we can do something better than eating food"

"I agree" she kisses me running her fingers through my hair, and we sit down in her bed, yes this is a lot better than eating

"TORI! THE DUDE IN THONG IS BACK!" she cuts off the kissing with the poundings on the door and Trina shouting on the other side of it "HE'S NOT LETTING ME REHEARSE MY ENTRANCE!" she rolls her eyes, and I let her go.

"I'll be back as soon as possible" she says going out.

Tori's POV

_"__California girls, we're unforgettable_

_Daisy dukes, bikinis on top_

_Sun-kissed skin, so hot_

_We'll melt your popsicle_

_California girls, we're undeniable_

_Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it one lock_

_West-coast represent_

_Now put your hands up"_

Turns out Trina needed more than just scaring the guy in the thong off, and by the time I got back to my room the party was about to start. At least Beck's clothes dried soon enough for him to go out eat a whole cotton candy cloud and some candy canes.

"THIS IS SO COOL!" Cat yells taking another shot of tequila with Jade, and eating some of the candy from the heart shaped bowl "OH MY WHAT IS THIS?!" she asks pointing at it

"BIBBLE!" Trina yells, getting a drink "A BRITISH TREAT" Cat runs off with it, and more and more people get in by the second, and all of them already drunk, or at least not sober enough to know that they're not actually inside a magical place called Candy Land.

She outdid herself this year, the whole living room looks like Candy Land, she even hired some guys to dress up like Oompa-Loompas and carry shots around, they're funnier and less threatening than hyenas so I guess everyone, expect Jade, is digging this theme more than last years.

"HEY SWEET THANG" Rex says, and Robbie keeps quiet this time "I HAVE SOME GOOD STUFF" he says, and Robbie covers his mouth

"REX! DON'T YELL!" he comes closer and shows me a little bag of weed "WE'RE ALL IN THE BACK PORCH, IF YOU WANT" he says, and I glance at Beck that holds my hand

"I THINK WE SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS" I say, and he nods, I don't want to ruin the party for him but I'm pretty sure there were at least five Northridge girls trying to touch his hair and he looked really annoyed by it "DO YOU MIND?"

"I WAS JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO ASK" I smile and we make our way through the crowd, being pushed several times and almost getting spilled drinks all over four times. But we manage to get to my room, to see a line of teenagers waiting for the guest bathroom, and I've never been so glad to have a suite.

I shut the door, and it barely blocks the music, but if we whisper really close to our ears I think we'll be able to hear; Not that I plan on doing a lot of talking.

* * *

He stands on his knees to button up his shirt, and I stand on the same position wrapping my arms around him and shutting my eyes holding on tight, he's going away now I have to face it, he's going away for five days. Five days Tori, you can handle five days, it's only five days! You managed to live sixteen years without him…barely "don't go yet" I cry and he kisses the side of my head hugging me back

"I wish I didn't have to" a single tear streams down my eyes and falls in his shoulder "_don't cry, I'll be back in five days_" he pulls away a little and presses his lips softly against mine and I run my hands on his hair, down his neck and to his shoulders holding firmly to it, because I know that as soon as I let go… I won't think about it, I'll enjoy the few moments I have left with him.

"I know" I kiss him again, quickly allowing him to deepen it; and I block everything that's going on outside of the room. The loud music, the eventual poundings on the door and the screaming and talking, right now it's just me and him, nothing else is going on. The world ceases to exist, and all its left is me and him, our lips and this moment _"__I found myself in you" _I whisper the words in is ear

_"__I love you…"_ I pull him back to the bed and he lies half beside, his torso on top of me, and his eyes locked with mine _"…__I love you so much_" I pull down his head and he lets his weight fall over me, and before he tries to lift himself up again I hold him like this.

He strokes my hair, and we kiss again, and neither of us wants to let go yet, and we part our lips for half a second to breathe only to find them again, and making each kiss longer than the one before, knowing that any time he's going to have to go. His hands trace down my body and I place soft kisses on his neck trailing the up to go back to his mouth and no words are necessary to express how much I already miss him; Most would think I'm overreacting, but he doesn't, he understands.

I feel his phone vibrating on my bed, and we both let out a sight of disappointment and frustration, it's his alarm. Time to go. He kisses me once more, and sits up, but I don't this time. I just lay there, watching him get his things, telling me he loves me again, and pulling away from one last hug, kissing my cheek, my forehead, the tip of nose than my mouth. And finally, heading out the door.

* * *

Hey guys, so Beck left! What do you think is going to happen to Tori? **Please please please**, **review!** Love you all,

- Kiribati


	11. Selfish

Tori's POV

I open my eyes, and look at the clock, it's six AM, as always. I take a deep breath and check my phone just by habit, no new messages; and its Christmas Eve. This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year…and I feel nothing. I look at my nightstand and pick up the blade from the usual spot, he should be getting in the plane any time now and…and…

I can't function anymore. I breathe out and clench my fists, I have to control myself. I knew this would happen, you knew as soon as you were left alone you wouldn't have any distractions and that you were going to shift back, but it's much worse than I thought, I had some hope, I always do. For a few minutes I actually believed that I wasn't going to shift again, at least not like this.

I run the blade over my thigh a couple of times and shrug.

I always thought sleeping was nice because I wasn't actually dead, but I wasn't awake so it was a win-win situation, but I've always been a bad sleeper, I don't have insomnia or anything like that, but I don't sleep much, I don't get to have the eight hours of peace that is recommended; maybe that's where my problem starts, I get no sleep, so I think, and I think about myself and my life and than I feel empty. Empty because everything is uncertain and in the end I'll be left alone. But Beck showed up and all of it changed, being alone isn't an excuse for me to feel empty anymore because I'm not alone. But if I'm not alone, why am I feeling like this?

I roll down to my stomach so the tears will fall on the bed, not on my face. And as I feel myself shake I curl up in ball, and hold myself "I'm not here this isn't happening" my breath shakes as I whisper to myself "I'm not here this isn't happening" I let go of my legs and knock my head against the wall, maybe if I feel the pain nearest to where I form my thoughts my body will have to focus on the pain, not the emptiness, and won't be able to form the anymore.

Beck, I should focus on him. He's my happy place, his hands tracing my body… and the five days I'm going to spend alone "Fuck!" I knock my head against the wall again and start breath faster, too fast and I feel everything, my heartbeat, the light coming from the window, my hair falling down my shoulders, the air coming out of my nose; Even when I blink I feel it and it's heavy and it's too much. "I'm not here this isn't happening" I whisper again, and I'm going to keep saying that to myself until it stops. It has to stop.

I was so happy when I was with him, the happiest I've ever been in my whole life as far as I can remember. And everyone at school is so nice and I love my friends, I love Cat and André and at times I even love Robbie and Jade. But not like I love Beck, I see Beck and I stop thinking and it's so good, I feel complete, and I don't know how can I go from that person to this one. How can I go from laughing enjoying myself in the garden, laughing at lunch to this depressed, pathetic person?

How can I perform, singing about a girl that found true love and ignored all other problems she might have because if she found love she didn't have to have anything else; To a complete lost person even though, in real life I have true love to myself. That should do it, love. People seek it everywhere, humans depend on love and those who can't feel it are called 'sociopaths', 'psychopaths' even. And in every single movie, book, magazine, since we're little we are taught that love would solve all the problems, and once you found it everything would be different, that all the other things would seem little and that it'd be okay.

Is it that bad that I don't feel that way?

I'm just going to let everyone down, Beck mostly. I was doing well, I can't afford breaking down like this, he'll be disappointed and he won't love me anymore or worse. That's why love sucks, because if I slip away and become this emotional mess again, the one that I was before I knew him, everything will go downhill. I can't let him become sad because of me I can't…I can't… it's not fair!

I get up and start to jump up and down to try and warm my body, and stop the shivering even thought I know it's not going to work. I need to take one of my Mom's pills, one will do, and than I'm going to calm down and his flight will land and he's going to tell me he loves me and I'll calm down. That's what's going to happen "ok?" I say "ok" I answer; saying it out loud helps me believe it, at least most of the times.

I go downstairs and the living room is empty and clean, Trina hired the cleaning company to stay here right after the party ended and only leave when it was just like the way they left it before the party. And it is; there are no teens left around, no cups and no Panda. Just she and I, now, where are the pills?

I look for them everywhere, and nothing. My mom must have taken them with her…damn…oh god no… The tears stream down my face nonstop now, I should take a shower…and than I'll do a few small ones on my stomach, maybe one in my wrist and it'll be fine, I'll just make myself believe that, yeah.

I turn on the cold water and it hits me like black wave, and the walls start to close up, and I can't breathe. I'm scratching my arms, and I can't stop, I can't stop thinking anymore…I need to do it there's no other way, I managed to put them away for as long as I could but they're rushing back and it feels like I'm in a hallway and the darkness is following me, and I run but it's catching up and I see the end of it coming, and I know I can't survive the darkness this time, I'm going to hit the wall.

I have two options, _"_enough with the bullshit_" _I turn off the water and hop out grabbing a towel. I sit back down in my bed and grab my blade again, sliding it deeper on my stomach.

The first one is to keep feeling this, and cut and cry until I'm too emotionally exhausted to be awake. And than do it again tomorrow, and the day after that and soon there won't be any space on my skin left and I'll have to cut in more exposed places, and people will notice; And I'll stop being the happy girl to being the screw up. The one that people stare at the hallways, and point, whispering things and spreading rumors.

And than I have the selfish, easy way; I can end all of this, and solve everyone's problems. I'm a waste of space and energy to everyone, my parents spend all this money with me, food and clothes and I don't even appreciate any of it, and Beck…he'll never see me as happy as I was last week and I don't want to be a bourdon to him, he'll worry that I'm sad and he'll become sad too, I can't do that to him I just can't. And the only other way for him to not get sad is for him to break up with me, when he sees how I truly am, the sick girl that can't be fixed, and I won't take it and will probably end up in the same situation I am now. I can't screw things up anymore; I can leave this place knowing that I did my best, and leaving the best impressions I could.

I get out of my room, Trina's not going to wake up any time soon and my parent's flight will only arrive at noon, they'll come home and find me on the floor, my body will be cold and they'll cry, and ask what they did wrong and they'll cry even more, my Dad will be heartbroken and my Mom will tell Trina to stay at home for a few days with her, and they'll spend the rest of their lives thinking about me. In parties people will gossip about the family that had a daughter that killed herself _'such a bright future the poor little thing could've had'_ they'll say, and point at them; If I choose the easy way, I would be changing their lives forever, and that would be selfish.

But I can't put everyone in front of me anymore. I need to do this for myself, just this time.

I grab a pen and paper, I need to leave a note to Beck, he's really the only one who deserves it, but I'll just write it later; I go downstairs, leave it on the kitchen table and plug my Pearpod to the radio, and put on the song where everything started. When I first realized that there was something more to him than the mysterious 'Judd Nelson' look and that we just might hit it off, and when I started living, the two weeks where I actually felt alive for the first time in a long, long time. Even though I can't feel anymore dead than I already am in this moment. And I know that deep down, I knew this was coming, weather I met him or not, weather I had had the best week of my life or not, this is my time I just know it.

_''I walked across an empty land  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand'_

_'I felt the earth beneath my own feet  
Sat by the river and it made me complete''_

I sing along to the lyrics and walk to the kitchen, I need the sharpest one, I want to make this quick. I choose the one my mom uses to cut ham. My heart tightens and put it over my wrist, I'll do the right one first;

_ "Oh simple thing where have you gone_

_I'm getting old and I need something to rely on_

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin"_

The tears start pouring down my eyes and I hold the knife still as I let the feelings rush back all at once. It's like I'm here, but I'm not, like I belong somewhere but in reality I don't. And I never will because …because it's not meant for me to. I can't be happy for long and I already had my share, I was happier than I ever thought I'd be and it's not worth it anymore. The bad feelings won again and this time, this time I'm giving in. Everyone has a purpose in life, and mine is to die. I was born to die.

_I came across a fallen tree  
I felt the branches of it looking at me  
Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?_

I slash it in my right wrist letting a small moan of relieve and quickly slash another on my left, deeper than ever before and the blood starts pour instantly, falling to my knees already feeling dizzy, I stare at floor and see my blood rushing on it, and everything starts to get blurry _"peace…at…last…"_; Stephen King once said, _'Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us. And sometimes they win_' and that's it. They won, I can no longer fight them.

I breath in sliding down on the floor, picturing his touch, his face, his voice telling me he loves me, our nights toget…oh no! I forgot about his letter! I didn't write anything, no final words! This is bad…I need to do something…I can't go this way…I can't…

I try to sit up but I'm not strong enough, I start to cry harder than I ever did before and crawl to the dinner table, I need to write it! He needs to have this before I go! I reach the table and kick it flipping it over with all the strength I have left, my head hurts a lot now and I can't feel my left arm, but I need to write it, he needs this, I need this! I grab the paper getting blood all over it, but leaving a small part of it clean, and start to right the final letter with a loose handwriting, and listening to the song one last time right before the pen falls from my hand, and I can only stare at floor.

_And if you have a minute why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
so why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know?  
Somewhere onl_

* * *

Beck's POV

I breathe in the Canadian air, leaving all my stuff at my room in my Grandma's house. I swear it smells differently here than in LA, especially inside the living room, that's half a kitchen. So it always smells like gingerbread cookies and snow, even during the summer, and when she's not baking anything.

"There you go sweetie" Grandma hands my Dad a cup of coffee and sits down in her same, old chair. Fixing her turtleneck and jeans, right before opening a huge smile placing her hand on my knee; She really loves it when we visit, telling me I should move in with her, and I used to plan on going to college here to do so, but I really don't know anymore, I had it all figured out, until Tori. I check my phone again, no new messages or missed calls. It's almost nine at LA now, so I know she's awake, but she seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth, I hope everything's ok. But if something really bad happened they'd tell me right? André or Trina would call me…she must be on the shower and can't hear her phone, that has to be it. "How are you honey?" Grandma asks, eating half a cookie

"I'm great, actually" she pulls back and widens her eyes putting the cookie down

"Great?! That's a new one! You're always '_fine' _or _'whatever'_" I laugh and my Dad grins

"Big boy here got himself a girl" he says, and I check my phone again "they're always together, I've never seen such thing"

"That's good" she argues "I remember when you were his age, there wasn't a day without girls coming by" I raise my eyebrows looking at Dad, never pictured like that.

"Yeah but not like those two…" the doorbell rings, and I quickly get up to answer already knowing who it is, like always, as soon as I arrive he comes banging on the door.

"Dude!" I get pulled in to a man type of hug and he taps my back.

"Moose, long time no see bro!" I say in excitement, shutting the door and walking outside. He lives right across the street, and he's one of my oldest friends from Canada, and the reason I used to spend all my breaks and vacations here at my Grandmas, he always hooks me up with girls, he has the best videogames and he always has beer.

We cross the street and in a matter of seconds we're inside his house "look" he shows me his phone, with a photo of two, super-hot, half naked girls "You, me, Megan and Emma, The Scissoring, my place" we get to the basement that is also his room. And it still has the same decoration since he was fifteen. Hockey stuff literally everywhere and his trophies, lots and lots of them.

"I'm up for The Scissoring, not the girls" I sit down at one of his chairs and he hands me a bottle, looking like he has just seen a ghost.

"No girls?!" he takes a sip "no girls no fun!"

"I have a girlfriend now, but think about it this way, two for you" he nods smiling and throws his empty bottle aside

"Wait, let me see if I got this straight, you're with just one girl?" he turns on the game and hands me a remote "is she from that weird school of yours?" I blow up some heads and put down the bottle

"Yep" I hand him the remote, I'm not in the mood for fake war right now

"But is it that serious? Because they're really hot"

"Dude no, I…wait a second I got to take this" I leave the basement and get my phone to see Tori calling me, finally.

"Hey" I wait for her to answer, but it's all silent "Tor?"

"Beck, its Trina" I roll my eyes, why does she have Tori's phone?

"What's up? Can I talk to Tori since, you know, it's her phone" silence again, she must still be drunk or something like that because Trina and silence don't match

"Beck…" her voice breaks, and I can hear her crying, what's up with her today? "T…To…Tori…"

* * *

A/N:

It happened, yes, please don't kill me. This was by furthest the hardest thing I've ever wrote in my entire life, and I plan on uploading pretty soon so don't give up on me! Love you all, hang in there,

- Kiribati


	12. Stay Safe

Beck's POV

No! No! No! "Dad I have to go back to LA" He grabs my arm, and takes me outside and I try to catch my breath, even though I didn't run, or did anything besides crossing the street, I just know I can't breathe

"What?! You can't be five days away from that girl, did she ask-"

"No!" I yell, still trying to breathe, but there isn't enough air! "No…" I look away, this isn't happening, it was a prank phone call it had to be. Trina's just messing with my head, and I'm going to LA to yell at her for such a bad joke, yeah.

"Give me one good reason for you to go" I shoot him a look, but he keeps staring at me, as if he wasn't even noticing the fact that I'm sweating cold and basically trying to avoid having a fucking panic attack.

"She…hum…she…" God no, I can't say it out loud! It's not… "Oh shit!" I quick a one of the chairs from the porch a bring both my hands to my face, I must have mistaken what I heard on the phone, that's another possible option, Tori is alright, she's just fine she has to be. Tori is okay.

"Watch the attitude!" he yells, and I see Moose staring from his house, and my Dad holds my arm bringing my attention back to him "Beck, your grandmother is old, and she misses you, and she is more important than a girlfriend"

I look around, he needs to let me go Grandma will understand, I can come back another time when I'm sure it was all a prank and that Tori is okay "That's not it! Please..." I beg him, and he crosses his arms

"Tell me why, and I'll think about it"

Fuck. "Tori...she...suicide" that's all I manage to say; 'suicide' such a horrible fucking word.

"No"

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" I yell, not even caring if the whole city is listening, he can't do this to me

"She's not..." My Grandma comes out and join us at the porch, and my Dad stops talking, as if she and everyone else weren't listening to this conversation;

"...C'mon honey your Mom is starting up the car" I look at her, and she nods for me to go "and I'm not that old" she says, making my father go back inside the house and I go to the car before he regrets it and tries to make me stay.

"Beck" I look at my Mom, and cross my legs rocking back and forth and I can't stop, I can't stand still "I'm sorry" I nod and turn out the window.

I don't speak anymore, I don't answer people's questions, I don't each the sandwich on the plane and I think I even stopped breathing for a few seconds. And how every second that I'm not in LA is a second of not being with her, even if she just there, I just want to see her! And I can't do anything about it, I can't help this time, I'm not enough.

The taxi drops me off at the hospital, and I rush in to the emergency room, I see Trina at a little plastic bench, and it hits me. This is not a prank, this is happening, she really didn't think it was worth being alive anymore. It's all my fault, she shifted back I knew it! I saw it in her eyes, she gave me all those hints everywhere! She shifted back and I ignored it.

* * *

Tori's POV

It all starts with flashes. Trina screaming, a very bright light and darkness again; A lot of noise, none that I recognize and more darkness, and finally light, too much light, and this annoying beeping sound. And its very quiet, weird kind of quiet…not the usual morning sounds, and it's too bright for six AM either.

I try to lift my arm to rub my eyes but they're really heavy, and there's something keeping me from making lots of movements; I crack my neck and get the courage to open my eyes...oh fuck.

Everything rushes back all at once, he left, I panicked and I finally did it. Oh god please tell me I'm just having a really bad nightmare, or this is the part where I have the epiphany and start to watch my life before crossing to the other side or whatever; not that Trina woke up early enough to save me! No! No! I'm not here, I'm not alive!

The beeping starts to get really fast now, and I start to cry…fuck no, I can't believe it didn't work, I has to work! It has to work! "Tori…" I look at my side and I can't catch my breath at his sight, and it's all too overwhelming and I…I...I should be dead!

"…what? No! No! This is isn't supposed to happen!" I start to look around, my wrists are covered in gauze and I think I'm in the emergency room but…but... "Beck…I'm sorry…" I'm cut off by my hiccups and the worst feeling in the world, and I can't even hold myself because of the stupid wires in my arms; And before I can even tell he's has his arms wrapped around me, and I have my head pressed against his shirt and I can't stop crying "I'm…I…shouldn't…be…alive"

"No, don't say that" he whispers in my ear, but it barely helps this time, all I can think is that I screwed up bad, and that what my parents would have to handle, the rumors, the whispers…they'll all be pointing at me. I'm the screw up, I'm the girl who committed suicide…I'm the failure, I failed in everything I can't even take my own life and get it right "I love you so much" he whispers "I love you…I love you…I love you"

He strokes my hair and kisses the side of my head, but I can't stop shaking and crying, and suddenly he's pulled away from me and there are two doctors talking to me but I don't understand what they're saying and I Trina is staring with at me like I'm a freak "Don't leave me!" I cry trying to reach Beck's hand, but they don't let him come near me again, and I'm getting really dizzy…and…and…

* * *

"What's going on?" are the first things that come out of my mouth before my voice breaks, and I look around, I'm not in the emergency room anymore. I'm in a private one now, and the first thing I see is Trina listening to her Pearpod and rocking her head back and forth with her eyes closed;

"Hey…" I turn around and notice he's holding my hand firmly. I manage to make my bed go up, and swallow thick air trying to be as calm as I can "…you had a panic attack so the doctors gave you some sort of medicine"

I nod and he sits down in the edge of my bed, running his hand on my face and I hold it there "I'm sorry" he stays quietly and I start to cry, I don't even want to but I can't stop, he's so heartbroken I can see it in his eyes…I made him suffer, this is all my fault, he's sad because of me.

"Don't be" he lifts the corners of his mouth, and I can tell his making a lot of effort just to do so "I'm just glad you're here" I bury my head in his neck and close my eyes, if there was one thing I was going to miss, it'd have to be him; We hear a knock on the door and he pulls away, not letting go of my hand.

"Hello Miss Vega, I'm Doctor Morey" She's tall, has a very big nose but a nice smile. And as soon as Trina notices she's there she stands up and throws her Pearpod aside, looking at me in shock. I knew this would happen, and I don't know if it's the drugs but I'm taking it a lot better now than before when I first woke up "How are you feeling?"

I look down at my wrists, and my arm with the medicine on it, and Beck looking devastated but trying his best to hide it, and than at Trina in shock, and than back at Doctor Morey "how do you think?"

She nods and takes some notes "We moved you to the psychiatric area, and your parents are making their way from the airport. But I'd like to have a chat with you first"

"Yeah, sure" I wipe the tears from my eyes, and quickly hold on to him again

"I'm sorry, but I have to talk to you alone" I pull Beck closer to me, I can't do this by myself, I'm not there yet!

"no, Beck can stay, he knows about everything…" I beg, he can't leave, I can't do this without him "…tell her, Beck…"

"you know I can't stay…But I'll be right outside, don't worry" he gives me a kiss on the cheek and I let go of his hand, I can do this, she's a doctor, if anything happens she can put me down again, hopefully something will go wrong with the medication and I'll go down forever.

The first thing I notice it's the way she talks, it's not exactly a puppy voice, but it's too friendly. It seems kind of fake too, because she sounds somewhat like Cat. Not a lot of people are truly nice like Cat so I just assume they're fake, even thought assumptions are often wrong; I bet no one ever looked at me and just assumed I was suicidal.

"Are you taking any medication?" she asks, looking down on her cardboard

"Just birth control pills" she nods, and looks back at me

"Do you drink or do drugs?" I bite my tongue, should I tell her the truth? I think I have doctor pantiet confidentiality but what if my file ends up in my parents hands? "Don't worry, I won't tell your parents"

She smiles, fake.

"Drugs, no. Alcohol, sometimes" I decide to tell her half the truth, I smoke yes, but hardly ever I rather just leave that out.

"Are you sexually active?" It's tiring to answer all of these, I wish I could just go to sleep, I really don't see how any of this might help me get better.

"Yes"

"Any abortions?"

"No" she nods, and hands me some paper sheets and a pen. No, it's too thick for a pen, it's more of a marker and it says I's for kids therefore not toxic. I guess people really try to kill themselves with anything.

"You just have to answer these, and I'll be back in a few minutes to get it" I nod and wait for her to leave the room. And I finally have room to think.

* * *

Beck's POV

"I got downstairs to get some juice and she…she was…" Trina stops talking and shakes her head, I've never seen her look so mature and normal like right now "why did she do it?" she shift back, and I noticed, and I let her go. That's what happened.

She looks at me waiting for an answer, but I don't know what to tell her, Trina simply won't understand; then she'll ask for concrete reasons for why she did it, and I can't give her that. Now I get why she didn't want to explain to me that day after Andre's party, there isn't an specific reason it's just her and a bunch of mixed up stuff that neither she or I can understand. And it does make it all a lot worse; But even so, I never thought she'd go that far, and if Trina hadn't gotten downstairs on time... I honestly don't know what I'd do "It's complicated"

I stand up, and walk around waiting for the doctor to come out "was she abused? Did you do something?!" she yells putting her finger in my nose, and I step away

"No Trina, it's not that simple, you're not going to understand" I lean against the wall and she keeps staring at me, with her widen eyes and a frown "and I can't explain"

She sits back down, and I hear footsteps coming this way, just when Tori's parents arrive and as I'm about to talk to them her father twists his fingers on the neckline of my shirt pressing me against the wall "WHAT DID YOU DO?!" he yells and Trina pulls him away from me

"he wasn't even there, she did it all by herself and for reasons I'm apparently not smart enough to understand" I roll my eyes and he takes a quick up and down look at me, still looking pissed off witch I think is completely understandable, if anything, he's underreacting.

* * *

Tori's POV

My parents are going to be here any minute, I wonder how they'll react. I could picture them caring about me when I was gone but now that I failed? I'm the mistake, I've always known that. Since I was little both my parents and Trina made it clear that I wasn't planned. And that I also didn't come at the best time since they were having some money difficulties.

'mommy and daddy never wanted you' Trina would tell me, just for the sake of it. And she always got more attention than me. I don't know why she had, and still has, to reassure herself of it all the time. What if she makes all of this about her? I don't think my parents will feel guilty either. I know it's bad, but I kind of want them to. I want them to see that I'm hurt, and that they're a part of the reason why I did it.

I turn my attention back to the sheet, and it's a pretty basic questionnaires. Like the ones I do online to get fake diagnosis, I have to rank how I feel from one to five, five being the highest. I get mostly four and fives, and when I'm done that doctor hasn't come back yet, and I'm too tired to turn on the TV. It feels like time isn't flying by, its like the clock is stuck and I'm going to have endless minutes of suffering.

"So, did you finish answering the questions?" Doctor Morey asks, and I hand it to her, and she looks not as happy as before, more real. She takes a couple of minutes looking at my answers, and I start to get more and more irritated for no reason at all "for how long have you been feeling suicidal?"

I know that I started feeling down when I was fourteen, right after Trina got into Hollywood Arts. She kept saying she was the talented one, she was the best Vega. And it hit me, I couldn't avoid it. But feeling suicidal...I don't know, to me it was always an option, but I also know that it felt unreal. Something I could never actually go through with it, until...

"December twentieth, last year" she looks down, and I see confusion in her eyes. I guess she didn't expect me to give her an exact date "it's my birthday" she nods, as if it all made sense now.

"And did you do it for any specific reason? Were you..."

"No" I already know the question, it's pretty standard "I've never been abused or anything like that"

"I'm going to give you a prescription, Zolof" Oh my god I need pills to be happy "and you have to take it twice a day, one at morning one at night" she places the small orange container on top of the table "and we're going to schedule sessions with one of our psychologists"

"Is it going to be you?" I ask, and she nods with that fake smile again

"No" I'm glad it's not her "It's Doctor Fowler, I'll give your parents the address" she opens the door, and my Mom rushes in making my heart stop. But instead of looking at me, she goes straight to Doctor Morey

"How is she?"

My Dad walks in next, he looks at me and then at my wrists, and keeps staring them not a word or even a facial expression, just staring. And then Beck comes in, and my father breaks away from my wrist and looks at Beck that doesn't seem to be bothered by that. "How are you?" he asks in a low voice, sitting in the same chair he was before and I reach his hand

"I'm glad you're here" I say, and he rubs his thumb over my palm

"I think it's best if Tori stays here overnight" the doctor begins "she's unstable and..."

"But it's Christmas" my Dad says, now he looks somewhat in shock "I'm sure Tori is feeling better now, aren't you sweetie?"

The doctor looks at him, trying to see weather he's serious or not. Welcome to my family, they don't car "Tori has to stay for twenty four hours, hospital procedure. Now, did you think about her options?"

"Yes, Tori is fine to stay at home" Tori looks really concerned now, and Trina walks in sitting down next to Beck "It was a one time thing, right honey?"

"No!" the doctor says and the smile disappears from her face "she's not fine, she has high levels of anxiety and depression witch you don't seem capable of dealing with! You should really consider putting her in a men..."

"...No, Tori is fine and she's coming home in the morning" My Dad states, fuck! How can he say that? At this point I almost wish they wanted to put me in Mental Ward. The Doctor sights, and finishes telling them about my medication and Beck gets the time for my appointment with the psychiatrist, because will probably think that's a waste of time too. And when she leaves the room my Mom finally faces me. But opposite to my dad she doesn't dare to look anywhere other than my face.

"Tori I'm so sorry you can't come to our Christmas party tonight" WHAT? "Are you fine to stay here by yourself?"

"I'm staying" Beck says, they're leaving me here? They still going to have the stupid party?

"we have to go" Trina says, and my Dad gives me surprisingly kiss on the forehead

"Hand in there" he says, leaving the room with Trina, and my Mom holds my hand briefly

"See you tomorrow, hang in there" she leaves the room, shutting the door behind her and the tears and instant, they really don't care at all!

"Fuck..." I cover my face with the pillow, and I can feel it getting wetter as I cry "My parents hate me" I murmur, and Beck takes the pillow from me.

"No they don't" my breath shakes, and he traces his hands up my arms and stopping at my neck witch is comforting. I prefer to be left with him than with my parents but I just wish they were sad! So fucking sad, like I was for the past years "they're just in the denial"

"Stay safe! Take care? Their daughter tries to..." he looks away, and I can't bring myself to say it, not in front of him "...and all they can say is stay safe!?"

I throw my wait at the bed, and I can feel myself loosing it again, merry fucking Christmas.

* * *

A/N: Hey guys! **Thank you for all the comments on the last chapter**, I really love getting feedback from you guys! Please please please review this one too! Love, always,

- Kiribati


	13. Chattanooga

_Tori's POV_

I wake up at exactly six AM, and Beck is awake too. I don't think he even slept, and he never had any trouble sleeping before, it's all my fault. I just need a break, when is the medicine going to start working? And I still can't believe my parents went to the Christmas party, I wonder what they're going to tell people when they ask why I didn't go.

"Hey..." Beck says, in the usual deep and husky voice like every morning, he runs his fingers through his hair pushing it back and sits up, and I do too. The nurse took out the medicine from my vein so I'm officially free to walk around '"how did you sleep?"

I shrug and get up "I'd have slept better if you were in the bed with me" I tell him, stretching my legs, not my arms the stiches feel to weird on it. He gets up and kisses me briefly, and I pull him into a hug. I think I could be in his arms forever, and do nothing else, just be with him.

"You know that the nurse came in all the time to check, if I was on..." I nod, agreeing to what he's repeating for the fifth time. The nurse came in the room the whole night, protocol I guess, but she made sure that Beck wasn't sleeping in the bed with me. I don't know what's wrong about that I just know she didn't want us to. All I know is that I can't wait to get out of this place, I just have to decide witch one is worse, the hospital or home.

"Good morning sweetie!" What's good about it? "How are you feeling?" my Mom asks, she's all smiley today, I hate it.

"Fine" if she's going to keep lying to herself, then I'll lie too "how was the party?" I sit back down on the bed, and Beck leaves the room to get something to eat.

"It was great! You would have loved it, but we kept all of your presents under tree so you can open them when you get home" I roll my eyes, as if I cared about stupid presents. She comes closer, and holds my wrist so hard that I think she might break the stitches herself.

"Good morning" the nurse says, with the little cup and pill for me "merry Christmas" she says, and my Mom answers with all her weird enthusiasm, when she holds my wrist even harder and takes a closer look to my name tag on it.

"Excuse me nurse" she stops to hear my Mom, that nods her head "it says here that Tori is seventeen, but she's sixteen" she lets go of my wrist, and I get up to stay away from her, she doesn't know how old I am. This is so fucked up.

"No..." the nurse says, checking her my file a couple of times "here it says, December twentieth nineteen ninety five, so she's seventeen"

"You were in Aruba, remember?" I tell her, and she looks up as if was trying to remember the date "it's ok really, I don't mind"

"I'm sorry honey" she sits down in the chair, and brings both her hands to her forehead, and I'm surprised to see an actual worried expression on her face "I know how I can make it up to you, Chattanooga!" I turn around to face her, for once my Mom said something that made sense "I think you could use a little time away from LA, what if you, Beck and those weird friends of yours went to Chattanooga for the rest of the break?"

Our condo in Chattanooga, Tennessee We used to spend every summer in there until Trina got into Hollywood Arts, and decided she wouldn't leave Los Angeles because all of her opportunities of being discovered were here, she thought she'd be next Britney Spears. So we went for another summer, just me and parents right before freshmen year, when I started dating my ex Danny, so I stopped going too, and than I got in Hollywood Arts and I started cutting and all that jazz...it just didn't make sense for me to leave LA. So my parents went there alone for a few years, until the 'tropical' phase began and they started to go to Aruba and Fiji in the beginning of last year, but I guess they never sold it.

"Really?" Beck enters the room, and I can see he's confused my by unexpected happy face "That'd me amazing, thanks Mom" she shrugs with a smile, this is exactly what I need! To get away from all of this, and Chattanooga is the absolutely perfect place and plus, it's freezing cold in Tennessee this time of the year, long sleeves all day. No one will even look at my cuts, at least not for now. I have to start getting ready for the heat waves during the summer, or even better, I should move to Alaska, or Iceland.

* * *

_Beck's POV_

"I'll see you in a couple of hours ok?" I kiss her cheek, and tuck some of her hair behind her ear "I love you"

She places a soft kiss on my lips, I wish I didn't have to go home, but my I need to take a shower, clear my mind, and pack; "I love you too" I open the door and say goodbye to Tori's Mom, heading straight to my parents house. And as soon as I walk in the front door, I can tell my dad is not home, because I can smell that mom made cinnamon buns, and she only does them when my Dad isn't home because he hates the smell. I'm glad he isn't here, there is no way he'd let me go to Chattanooga without adult supervision, but my Mom, my Mom is a romantic.

"How was it?" she asks, turning off the stove right before pulling me in for a hug "How were her parents?" She sits down at the kitchen table, and takes a bite off one of the buns, they look really good and I'm starving.

"Her relationship with her parents is complicated..." I say, eating half of a bun all at once "but, the doctors and he Mom thought it'd be good if she got off LA for a while" I finish it, and get a second one "So her Mom told us we could go to their Condo in Chattanooga for the rest of the break"

She widens her eyes, and gets a second bun "Chattanooga in Tennessee? Just the two of you?"

"No, her friends are coming too, it'll be six of us" she bites her cheek, and I can tell she only needs me to talk her into it a bit more "Her mom will pay for the plane tickets and all that" I get a second bun, and wait for her reaction, but she keep silent "Mom, Tori needs me right now"

"...Fine" I smile, and she rolls her eyes "but I want you to call me everyday! And you know your father isn't going to be happy about any of this" She gets up, and I pull her into a hug

"Thank you! Really Mom, this means a lot" She gives me a kiss on the cheek, and goes upstairs taking three Cinnamon buns with her, leaving me four. My Mom is simply the best.

* * *

"I can't believe I'm finally going to leave this place, my parents, Trina!" she zips us her suitcase, and sits down in the bed "even if it's just for a few days, I need this" I stroke her hair, and she rests her head on my chest and suddenly throws herself at the bed, and I can tell she's going to start crying. She's been like this ever since she woke up, the doctor warned us that in the first few days her emotions would go from extremely happy to sad a lot, due to the medication. And that she would need someone to bring her back to earth and try and avoid a panic attack; It might be a lot of responsibility for a teenage boy but if she's not getting 24 hour professional help there's really no one better to do the job than me.

"What are they going to think?" she says, between hiccups "Cat is going to faint..." She sits up and looks at her nightstand, with panic in her eyes. I know what she's looking for, and I can't leave her with it "and Jade...she is going to laugh at me...and...and..." she gets up and stands in the middle of the room "this was a bad idea! I need to sleep, just sleep! For-"

"Listen to me" I hold her close, just like Doctor Morey told me to, and speak in a low voice trying to calm her down "They're your friends, they'll understand and you don't need to tell them right away" she keeps nodding her head, but she's not having an attack, that I know "Tor, it's fine, I'll be with you, it's going to be okay"

"okay, I will..." she starts to breath slower, and I look at her eyes, still staring at the nightstand "can you give me a minute?" She wipes the tears off her eyes, and sits down in the corner of her bed "I'll meet you downstairs in a minute"

"Yeah...just..." she scratches the back of her neck, and I get down, standing on my heels to look her eye to eye "where are you blades?" Her chin drops, and I can tell she doesn't know if she heard me right, but I've never been more serious "I mean it Tor, I know that they're somewhere in that nightstand"

"what?" her eyes fill up with tears, and curls her lips together, biting her nails "do you really think I'm going to keep cutting I mean..." I stand still, and she starts to freak out again, but I can't let her keep them.

"No! I'm not going to use them, I...I want to keep them as a memory!"

"Tor, c'mon..." she nods her head, but suddenly pulls the last drawer taking everything from it, and throwing things carelessly on the floor, picking up a tiny little blade, and a sharpener. But she doesn't give them to me, she just stares and starts to cry again but silently, she's not shaking or anything like that just tears streaming down her face "it'll be good for you, I promise"

I take them from her hand, and she closes it in a fist, biting her bottom lip. I know she can buy another blade anytime she wants, but the doctor specifically said to get rid of the things she used to cut, so that's what I'm doing. "TORI, BECK, THEY'RE HERE!" her Mom yells, time to go.

* * *

Tori's POV

Everyone was so excited, even Jade was somewhat happy to get away for a few days. And now that we're in a cab on our way to my Condo, they just won't stand still. Specially after an uneventful short plane right, where you can't sleep because it's not that long, but if you stay awake you get bored. And the best thing, it's so cold, I won't even roll up my sleeves by mistake, in the risk of showing my cuts, so I feel a bit more relaxed about that. The taxi crosses one of the four bridges that go over the Tennessee river, and I take some of the cash my Mom gave me to pay, as he goes off the bridge, and gets in the street right in front of the River, going around the corner, and finally reaching the building.

"There's a great aquarium here!" Cat yells, getting off the car right after Robbie and Jade "My brother once..." I stop listening waiting for my change, as the boys get all of our luggage. I can't believe we're here!

"Miss Vega, is that you?!" I smile at the sight of Earl, the same doorman from four years ago "You are so much taller than the last time I saw you" He offers me his hand, and I shake it; I like it that things didn't change around here, I used to love everything about it, including Earl and his cheesy white doorman gloves.

"Thanks Earl, it's nice to see you here" he opens an even bigger smile, and holds the door for me

"It's good to have you back Miss Vega" I nod, and get in the elevator that Cat's been holding for a few minutes. And in a matter of seconds I open the door, to see the apartment looks exactly the same. The same style of decor of our house in LA, but much more glamours my parents put way more money in this one since it was like a hotel to us and it had to be nicer than our actual home. The giant windows facing the River, plasma TV's in every room and everything matches. I never knew how my parents were able to afford all of this, maybe they didn't have much money when I was born because they were investing everything in this Condo.

No, I'm not going to think about that now.

"This is awesome!" Robbie pledges, dropping his bags on the corner. And everyone runs inside the hall, to find the rooms. Except for me and Beck of course, I get this feeling he won't let me out of his sight, and...No Tori, you're not going to over think things now, not in Chattanooga, where good things happen. "No! I said I was going to sle-" he screams

"C'mon Robbie I got here fi-" Andre yells back, I can't seriously believe they're fighting over who sleeps in what bed

"You two just quit it!" Jade yells at last "This bed is mine" I hear a choir of grunting, and I follow the noise to mine and Trina's room, full of little Chattanooga stuff that we bought and never thought to bring home, tickets to the aquarium and pictures of me and my friends over the summer. I was so cute, and happy. Old Tori, that used to look forward to the future,_ really_ old Tori.

"Tori!" Robbie yells, calling me from the guest room, where Beck placed his things on the king queen Bed, and Andre on the king size, and since the bed left of mine and Trina's room is the one I'm going to sleep in, Robbie has no bed "Do I really have to share the bed with Andre?"

"Dude, you're sleeping in the couch" he says, and Beck chuckles, and now it hit me. My parents room is locked, I'll sleep alone, without Beck.

"But I have BACK PROBLEMS!"he yells and Beck gets up, tapping him on the shoulder

"Just sleep on the couch Robbie" Beck tells him, and he shrugs taking his bag to the living room "This is place is really great" I smile shyly, it's still not easy to do so; He puts his arm on my back and I press my lips against his, as he cups my cheek, and deepen the kiss. And it's our first real kiss since the...event, and I finally feel like it's not that bad being alive as longs as I don't need to anything else beside kissing him.

"Ok, I should go..." Andre says, and I ignore him, pressing Beck against the wall, and tracing his arms, and shoulders reaching his neck "THERE'S NO FOOD!"

"what?" Beck says, pulling away "no food?" I look at him, grinning and he gives me a kiss on the side of my head "I love you, but this is an emergency"

"...ok, let's go the grocery shop" he takes my hand, and I tell everyone that we're going to the market, naturally they all want to go with us, except for Jade, she's too happy looking at pictures of me going through my awkward phase.

"We're going out, yay!" Cat yells, heading out the door.

"I'm going to put a leash on her" Robbie says, and walks out too and Jade appears holding the elevator door out of nowhere "I thought you were staying in" he says, and she raises her eyebrow, making Robbie squeak and stand behind Andre. We go down, and there's Earl, holding the door to all of us. I take Beck's hand, and look behind right before going around the corner, and Earl winks at me, just like he did a few years ago.

"How are you not cold?" Jade asks Beck, that oddly enough is wearing basically the same clothes he wears in LA maybe a thicker coat, but no more than that.

"He's Canadian" I explain, and they all nod understanding what I meant, and Beck frowns. We keep walk past the aquarium, and cross the street and I slow down to stay behind everyone else, leaning against a wall and pointing to a little graffiti right under a _Ben&Jerry'_s sign, saying _T + A._

_"_Did you know" I begin to say, and he rests his arm beside me, placing one leg between mines "I had my first kiss here, I was twelve"

He smiles "that's cute" I pull his head and he kisses me, and I'm starting to consider not going to the market, to stay here kissing Beck. I pull away to breathe, when I spot a guy, coming in our direction, and it takes me a few seconds to realize that I know him.

"Torrey Vega! I can't believe that's really you"

"Austin?"

* * *

A/N: Hey Guys, **THANK YOU SO MUCH for the reviews**, I'm really happy to be getting them again! What do you guys think this Austin person is? Will he be good for Tori's recovery? As always, I'd love to hear what you have to say, **please leave a comment**. Love you all, to the moon and back,

- Kiribati


	14. Notice Me

_Tori's POV_

He gives me a hug, he's exactly like I remember. Messy blond hair, green eyes and a few freckles on his face. Although he has a lot more muscles than when he was thirteen and fourteen, he must work out a lot to be like that. The only flaw one could point at him is that's he's not very tall, but he has enough confidence to handle that. "You finally decided to show up... in the winter?" he says, with a smile on his face, and of course, the very strong southern accent.

He gives me another hug, but I can't focus on him anymore, I just know that as soon as he's out of my sight I turn around, facing wall, trapped inside my mind again.

"I know, I'm here with some friends" I pull away, and he looks at Beck for half a second than back to me and I pull my sleeves even more, reflex I guess. "Oh, right, Beck this is Austin, Austin this my boyfriend..."

"Hey dude" Beck says, and Austin offers him his hand, not something common for LA teenagers, but he's from the south, different manners. He shakes it, and I take a step behind, leaning against the wall.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, and I notice he's wearing a UTC hoodie. University of Chattanooga.

"I came with some friends" His phone rings, and he takes a quick look at it "You go to school here?"

"Just following the plan" He puts it back in his pocket, and still hasn't shaken off the smile from his face "I study Marine biology, work at the Aquarium and living right across the hall from you"

"That was the plan..." His life turned out just like we planned it, a few summer ago; No self-harm, suicide, bumpy roads on the way. I guess life does work out for some people "Just like we thought"

"Kind of" He looks at Beck again, and the smile disappears "My folks passed away, so I had to move in with Nana, left sweet home Alabama behind gave Nana a hard time but is all good now" He smiles again "At least I'm not in Mississippi...I have to go feed some Otters but y'all can come by my house later"

"Sounds great" I say, waiting for him to leave and he gives another hug, right before going around the corner and soon out of my sight. And I turn around to face the wall, trapped inside my mind again.

How did his life feel right into place, even thought he lost his parents? He managed to get over it, and get right back in track and it worked, he's happy and working at the aquarium, just like we planned that summer; and me, I'm barely holding it together.

What happened to me? How did I let myself become this person? Everyone I know, even people that are in situations a lot worse than mine are just fine, and living, working to have a good future and yet here I am. I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm miserable. I'm selfish, that's what it is, so fucking selfish to think that my problems are worse than everyone else's.

"Tor, what's going on?" I turn around, and Beck lands his hand on my shoulder...he's stuck with me, if I'm sad he'll be sad too, I'm selfish with him too. This is not fair to him! Everything about me is wrong! I need to get away, I can't...

I run, and I'm good, fast runner leaving Beck behind, and I don't know where I'm going but whenever I hear his footsteps getting closer I start to go faster, to realize I'm standing in the middle of the walking bridge. I walk towards the edge of it, and look down at the Tennessee river. I could jump, a few seconds and it'd all be over, there is no way of failing in this one...one jump...

"Tori! What happened?" I can't catch my breath, and I want to die. That's what happened "talk to me" He'll hate me, if he knows he'll hate me. I turn around and he reaches for my arm but I let go, sitting down at one of the benches, digging my head between my knees, covering my face with my hands in a failed attempt of not crying. He sits down beside me, and strokes my hair down my back, that's all he can really, he can't help me. No one can help me at this point, I just wish the fucking Zolof would start working and I would stop thinking about suicide! I can't think about how I'm so selfish, and want to throw myself off a bridge, it's not fair to everyone around! Everything I want to do will give people so much pain...there is so much pain, everywhere, all the time. "Tell me, I can't handle it"

"it's..." I begin, but my voice breaks and I give in to the excessive hiccups, resting my elbows on my knees, but I don't dare to look away from the palm of my hands. He wraps his arms around me, and I curl up pressed against him, digging my face on his chest, biting my bottom lip to try and control myself "everyone has it much worse!" I finally say, freeing myself from his embrace, and getting up with a sudden hot wave and too much energy "Look at Austin! He lost his parents, and he's fine...and I'm...I'm all fucked up for no reason at all!" I push all the hair away from my face, and pound my arms in the air "There are people starving! Losing babies! Losing jobs and doing jut fine! What's my problem? Parent's that simply don't give a fuck about me, well I don't think that's a very good reason to try and commit suicide now is it?!"

I lean against one of the wooden beams and let go of my body, sliding down to floor and just staring at the ground. I don't even have the energy to cry anymore.

"Hey...Just because he lost his parents, and that there are people that have it much worse, that does not change the fact that you have what you have" He tilts my chin up, and I just now realize that he's sitting right in front of me, with his hand on my cheek and shoulder. "thinking that you cant feel sad because people have it a lot worse is the same as thinking you cant feel happy because other people have it a lot better"

I stand on my knees, and wrap my arms around his neck pushing him a bit just so I can sit on his lap, he always know just what to say. I wish I could listen to him at all times, just to shut my stupid urges off and hear him over and over again "I'm sorry" I whisper, and rest my head on his shoulder "I never meant for things to happen this way"

* * *

"Torrey and Torrey's friends, y'all come in" Jade is the first one to walk in, and Cat flips her hair when he looks at her, then giggles. Andre and Robbie go in next, and I'm really glad that Robbie didn't bring Rex on this trip with him, I already have too much stuff going on to have to handle that puppets lines all the time; Beck and I go in last, and I see that like him, his Grandma's house stayed the same. The living room has china on the wall from all the fifty states, and there are about six or seven couches, each of them with a different floral pattern, and all there are lots of matching, light wood furniture. It reminds me a lot of Andre's house, only bigger and without a crazy Grandma thinking that the ceiling fan is a helicopter.

"why do you live in an old ladies house?" Robbie politely asks, and I roll my eyes, sitting down in a couch with Beck.

"It's my Nana's house" He says, opening the fridge, and Cat follows him "what y'all want to drink?"

"Oh, your biceps are so huge!" Cat says, holding his hand then runs off to the living room "I want what you want"

"what do you have?" Jade asks, raising an eyebrow.

"I have everything, Yankee" Jade sits up and frowns her lips

"I'm not a Yankee, I'm from LA and I want absinth" he nods his head and throws her the bottle full of the green liquid.

"She sure does behave like a Yankee" I smirk, and Jade gives me a deadly look "anything else?"

"Let's do tequila shots!" Andre says, and Austin puts the bottle on the table with seven little cups and Cat starts to pour the drink smiling at him. We hold the cups, I am not going to get drunk today, Drunk Tori does stupid things. I look at Beck, and he gets one cup for himself and one for me "Ok, one, two, three!"

We all take it, and Jade fills us up again, ok this is will be my last one "Go!" I hit the cup on the table, and push it aside "Sweet sally peaches is done?"

"I don't really feel like drinking today" Beck takes my hand, and Jade shrugs filling up with Absinth this time. And Austin looks at me, and doesn't break away when I clearly seem annoyed by it. Why does he keep staring?

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Cat yells, and opening her coat and taking her usual bag of weed from her pockets "My brother gave me right before you guys picked me up!" Jade and Andre clap, and I get up I can't be here right now, I need some air.

"Do you want to go home?" Beck asks me, and thankfully everyone is too focus on doing a joint to pain attention to me

"No...I'm just gonna go get some air" He looks at me for reassurance, I get it, suicidal girlfriend is not one to leave alone "I'll be right back, stay is fine" I walk inside just as the smoke starts to built up causing Robbie's excessive asthma coughs. I open the door to the porch, and sit down at one of the two rocking chairs, and look down at the other end of the bridge.

"I finally found you" I look up, and Austin sits down in the chair next to mine, holding a beer. And I look back at the town,

"You look different Torrey" And he has all my attention now, none of my friends noticed anything wrong me, ever. And I've been twenty minutes near him and he says I changed?

"How?" I rock my chair, and the wind blows my hair in my face. If it wasn't for the freezing wind, it'd be the perfect temperature, cold enough to use long sleeves, but not enough to freeze any body part left uncovered.

"I think you are more of a Tori, than Torrey now"

"So I'm not bubbly and happy and adorable anymore?" He chuckles, and I put my hair in a ponytail to keep it from getting in my face again. He's the only one that doesn't call me Tori, never did. I used to hate that when I was younger, well not really, I couldn't hate anything about it. I just didn't get why he couldn't call me by my own name, correctly. Until the day I asked, and he said 'I just think Torrey suits you best. It's happy, and bubbly and adorable, like you'

"You're still as pretty as a southern belle" I glance at him, if I didn't know him better I'd think he was flirting. But that's just the way he is, flirting is his first language "but something is gone, you seem sad"

How can he read me so well? "I grew up Austin, that's what happened"

"Why?" I shoot him a look, and he puts the empty bottle aside "What happened that made you grow up?"

"Life happened" Where is he trying to get? And why is he still smiling, all the time?!

"You used to be so optimistic, looking forward to things, to future with me and the Otters" I get up, and he stands up too taking a step back so I can open the door "Torrey..."

"No, stop. You can't like me, I was a stupid thirteen year old!" He shuts the door, and I tone down my voice, because even thought all of my friends are too high to understand what I'm saying I don't want to cause a scene "I changed, you said it yourself I'm not Torrey anymore! I'm not happy anymore!" I walk back into the living room and storm out of the apartment.

_Beck's POV_

"what happened to her?" Cat yells, and giggles throwing herself at Austin, that looks confused...Oh crap, what did he do.

"I..." I go over to him and shut the door to the living room, leaving just the both of us inside the hall

"What did you do?" I ask, and he scratches the back of his neck. He better not take too long to talk because I can't leave Tori alone if she freaks out again "Tell me, what did you do?"

"I don't know man, I just told her she didn't look happy and she freaked out" Fuck "what's wrong with her?" I run my fingers through my hair, and I'm just glad that the five of them are all drunk and probably won't remember any of this tomorrow.

"Don't say anything about it" I open the door and leave him behind, going after Tori. I get to the apartment and the living room is empty "Tor?" I hear a loud crash, and run inside the hall and she's standing on top of Andre's bed, that's in the middle of the room.

"We have to get this bed out" she gets down and tries to lift it up "I want to sleep with you, and I can't do that if Andre's inside the room"

"Tor what's..." She signals for me to stop talking, and holds the bed from one side

"Just help me take this out of the room" I nod, she's shivering but not crying, too focus on the bed to do so. I lift the bed on the other side, and we flip it over dragging to the door, and she puts it back down, leaving half of it outside, and half of it inside the room. "Ok I'm good to go, let's lift it again"

We get the bed out, and she pulls me inside the room crashing her lips onto mine. And I get carried away from a moment, locking the door as she tries to take off my shirt. But she's freaking out and this is just her distraction, and if she doesn't deal with it it's only going to make her feel worse. And plus, I can't stop thinking about what that asshole did to make her loose it in just five minutes.

"Tor..." She tries to keep me from talking, and I pull away, holding her shoulders "what did he do?"

"Nothing! I'm fine!" she takes her shirt off, and of the bandages in her wrists come off, leaving her stiches exposed "oh god..." She sits down at my bed, and picks up the bandages trying to roll it again, and once she fails she starts to cry and throws it aside "He said I don't look happy anymore, he noticed" I sit down beside her, and grab the bandaged wrapping it myself, and she holds her wrist, pulling me down to the bed, resting her head on my chest. "Twenty minutes with him and he notices I'm different, and Andre, Cat, Robbie, Jade! None of them thinks I'm different"

"Maybe they did, and just didn't tell you" She stays silent, and I kiss her forehead, making her cuddle up closer to me the best way she can without putting any weight on her arms or he stitches might break.

"I'm tired" she breathes out, pulling up the covers, and I kick my shoes off.

"Go to sleep" she lifts her head, and I kiss her briefly before she pulls away and shuts her eyes "sweet dreams

* * *

A/N: Hey guys, thank you for all the reviews and good feedback! I'm going to try to upload as soon as possible as always, and again, thanks for the reviews they really **are the highlight of my day**! Love you all, forever and always,

- Kiribati

A/N:


	15. Beggining

_Disclaimer: The song is 'In My Life my' The Beatles and 'All I want is Everything' by Victorious. _

* * *

_Beck's POV_

I rub my eyes, and yawn, noticing that she's on her side, facing the wall "Morning..." I sit up, and take a better look at her. She's still, arms hanging from the bed and her knees curled up to her chest, just staring at the wall "how did you sleep?"

"I'm still tired" her voice is low, and she doesn't say anything else, or even dares to look up. I stroke her hair trying to get any emotion, and nothing happens, I've never seen her like this; I should go and get her medicine, she needs to take it...even if it doesn't seems to be working.

I get up, and run my fingers through my usual crazy morning hair, and head out the room bumping against Andre's bed on the hall, making him mumble something about his Grandma and thinking that the oven is a sauna. I get in the girls and look for her stuff, both Cat and Jade's beds are empty, and Robbie's hanging upside down from what used to be Tori's bed. I grab her things, and leave the beside the door and head to the kitchen to get something to brink.

"Beeeck" Cat bleats my name like a goat, and I look at her confused, she doesn't look like she has even the slightest hangover, and she was the one who drank most last night "Was Tori mad because Robbie took her bed?"

Oh shit, she remembers. "No, she's fine now she's not sleeping in that bed anymore" I grab a water bottle and shut the fridge.

"Why?" she asks, turning on the TV in an extremely loud volume "where's is she going to sleep?"

"In my bed" I say, and she looks puzzled, scratching the top of her head.

"Then where are you going to sleep?" I roll my eyes and walk away, I'm just going to let her figure that out on her own. I open the door and get all of her stuff inside, and she's exactly the same way before, lifeless.

* * *

Tori's POV

Where did it all go wrong? Why did I stop being happy? When did it happen...what...I need to think about it, when was the last time I remember being completely happy and then go from there until the first fucking cut. The first day where I was trapped inside my own mind. Just think Tori, when were you completely happy?

_"I love Chattanooga!" I yell in the car, as we cross the first bridge all the way across town. I can already see the Aquarium from here, and on their website it said that they had baby Otters, and I can't to see them. We go around the corner getting closer and closer to our building, and I have to say its much nicer than our house in LA. I don't know why but Mom and Dad seem to spend a lot of time in this one, using every opportunity they have to travel and come here, I know that if I could I'd come here with them every time, but only if he was here too, Austin, from all the things I like most in this town, he is definitely number one, maybe two...after the baby Otters._

_My Dad stops the car, and I quickly get out shaking in excitement, I really hope he's here this summer too, we could hang out everyday just like last year! And maybe, he's going to start to like me back, that would be the best thing! Trina knows how much I like him, he's one year older and he has the best green eyes, and he knows everything about sea animals, so dreamy._

_The doorman, Earl, opens the door for me and offers me his hand which I politely shake "Hello Miss Vega, you're so much taller than last year!" He chuckles and I smile, he says that every time I come; It's funny because Earl is old, and he says that somehow he's shrinking. And I just don't know how could that be possible._

_"Why is this elevator taking so long?" Trina complains, she does that a lot, and it can be very annoying; But she's hardly ever home, always out with friends that I've never met, so I cut her some slack because I think that she doesn't really have those friends._

_The door finally opens, and I get pulled into a hug so quickly that I can't even process things at first, but I'd recognize this blonde hair anywhere "Austin!" He takes off his earplugs, and I notice that he's listening to the number one hit song of the year, I Kissed a Girl, I really love that song too._

_"Why hello Torrey" That name...Tor-I! Not Tor-rey! I'd correct him if he wasn't so cute... "I was just about to get some Ben and Jerry's, want to come?" I look at my Mom, and she nods, yay!_

_"I'd love to!" I giggle like an idiot, but I don't care, I'm having ice cream with him! "When did you get here?" I ask, with too much excitement, but I don't care, this is perfect. We get out, and I look behind just before going around the corner and Earl blinks, what does that mean? Did Austin tell him anything?_

_"Last week, and Nana got me a membership to the aquarium for my thirteen birthday" My chin drops, that really cool, and he's been waiting to be a member since last year "Did you know they have baby otters now?"_

_"No way?!" Even though I already knew that, I think it sounds better if I didn't..._

_"Yep, I could take you there tomorrow" He could take me? Does that mean it's a date? Did Austin just ask me on a date?!_

_"That'd be great" I feel myself blush as we enter the Ice Cream parlor, and he gets in front of me in line_

_"what do you want?" he asks, and I take a quick look at the flavors available_

_"Cherry Garcia" I say, and he asks for the Peach Cobber one...and he pays for it. He paid for my ice-cream, this is a date! We eat it, and he talks about his year and all these amazing things, and I'm too blown away by how everything is going so much better than I've ever thought! I can't wait for tomorrow!_

_I leave the parlor completely giddy as he opens the door for me and lets me go first, and as we go down the stairs he holds my hand. And I have to control myself not to scream from all the happiness, oh my god what if he tries to kiss me? What do I do? I've never kissed anyone before and I could be a bad kisser and that'd just be the worst thing ever!_

_"Torrey Vega..." he sights, and I stop, leaning against the wall, and he smiles._

_"why do you call me Torrey?" He nods his head, and takes a step closer making me blush even more_

_"I just think Torrey suits you better, it's happy and bubbly and adorable just like you" He takes another step, and I can't catch my breath "It shines just like you"_

_"Alright you can call me like that" I say, and he holds my hand tighter_

_"May I kiss you Torrey?"_

_Oh my._

_"Yes"_

_Oh my god!_

Sight. I was such a stupid girl, happy stupid girl. The worst thing that could happen to me was be a bad kisser...I wish. And somehow bringing those memories back didn't give me any sort of satisfaction, it just reminds me that I was once an idiotic twelve year old, and I know that my problems are nowhere near to that memory. Everything started when Trina got into Hollywood Arts...she was fifteen, and I was in my last year at Sherwood, dating Danny, breaking up with Austin, being the untalented Vega, the worst sister. And the worst is that I actually thought I was in love with them, at the same time, and I had no clue what love actually meant. Stupid child, stupid life, I'm torturing myself digging the past, but it's the kind of torture I can't seem to stop, I need to find out where it all began...

_"What's the plan?" He asks, as we watch the Otters being fed "when you go back to California and I go back to Alabama, what's the plan?"_

_"We wait" I say, holding his hand "and then we go to college, you can study the animal creatures and we can live here together" I press my lips against his, he's the greatest kisser. And this summer is so much better than the last one, now I'm thirteen and I can do whatever I want without asking Mom's permission, and I managed to go through with my plan, be with Austin all day; and even better, there isn't any wondering if he likes me or not, I knew from the moment I saw him that we felt the same as last summer, and his hair is longer and he kisses even better now, I guess I do too._

_"I'll be waiting for you, maybe I'll even let you feed the otters when I work here" he says, and I giggle kissing him again, but not too much because we're in public, and I don't want people to think I'm a whore. We walk away together, and my Dad is already loading the car, I really don't want to go back to LA and have to hear about Trina's new school all over again. She's in a fancy Hollywood Arts school with cool artsy friends and famous people looking for the next Britney Spears, and she's sure that it's going to be her. I on the other hand go to stupid public school, because like she says I have no talent, just ordinary Tori, but I don't care about what she says, what does she know after all?_

_"See you next summer" I tell him, before going in the car, and he waves until we go around the corner, and cross the bridge. I'm sure going to miss Chattanooga._

No! No! That's not it...Leaving him and dating Danny wasn't where it all began, I broke up with Danny because I was going to Hollywood Arts, and I was happy! Happy that I was more talented than Trina, and that there was nothing she could say to make me feel bad about myself because I too knew how to sing and dance, naturally! And she stopped saying I had no talent...she...she started to neglect me but I didn't really mind, so, what was it?!

Why can't I find out where things went wrong? Why can't I remember that first cut?

* * *

_Beck's POV_

"Tor..." I call her name, and I sit down beside her "where's the Zolof?" She looks up at me, and slowly sits up stopping a few inches away from my face and breathing deeply. I cup her cheek and look at her dead eyes, and she presses her forehead against my shoulder, I stroke her hair...this is painful "C'mon Tori, you have to take it"

She gets the bag, and takes two small containers from it, getting two pills and throwing the rest aside; I hand her the bottle, and she takes another deep breath before swallowing, handing me back the bottle. I put in on floor, and she leans against the wall, looking up and then slowly catching my gaze again "can you sing for me?"

I nod, and get my guitar.

_There are places I remember_  
_All my life though some have changed_  
_Some forever not for better_  
_Some have gone and some remain_

_"All these places had their moments_  
_With lovers and friends I still can recall_  
_Some are dead and some are living_  
_In my life I've loved them all_

_But of all these friends and lovers_  
_There is no one compared with you_  
_And these memories lose their meaning_  
_When I think of love as something new_

_Though I know I'll never lose affection_  
_For people and things that went before_  
_I know I'll often stop and think about them_  
_In my life I'll love you more"_

I put the guitar away, and she kisses my cheek, and I can see the slightest change in her eyes, from nothing to pure sadness, which as odd as it sounds is an improvement "I love you" She runs her fingers through my hair and I kiss her briefly, and she pulls my head towards hers deepening the kiss, but quickly pulls away and wraps her arms around my neck "what's wrong with me?"

I pull her hair away from her face, and kiss her forehead "Nothing is wrong" I kiss her cheek and look closely in her eyes "You just need time"

"But what if I can't wait?" I wipe the tears from her eyes "Beck...I'm not getting better" I breath in at these words, and I try my best to smile because I can't panic, I love her too much for that, she needs me to say things will turn around, because they will.

"wait with me" She nods, and I get up "c'mon, we have to get out of this room" She sights, and I turn on the lights, she needs to get out of bed and find some distractions. I put on my coat, the good thing about cold weather is that you can wear the same shirt everyday and no one will know because you don't need to take your coat off.

She puts on a shirt, and I hand her coat right after she zips up her boots "where are we going?" We leave the condo, and everyone except for Cat, that was dancing in the porch, were still sleeping, so I ranted two bikes, racing her all the way across the bridge to the biggest park in town, holding a musicians encounter from all over the state, beginners, professional bands and solo artists. The important thing is that they have music, and the one thing that always cheers her up is music "this is amazing! Can we sing?" she asks, I knew this would work, even if it's just for a few hours.

I sign her up for the next hour, and she wanders around with an actual good expression on her face, and I'm delighted that she can still smile even when everything is going wrong.

"This is awesome dude!" Andre yells, and Cat and Jade walk behind him, how did he know we were here? "Can we perform?"

"Beck sign me up, but we can sing together" Tori exclaims, and soon everything falls back into place. Jade teases her, and Andre tells them to quit it, Cat says something weird about her brother and in no time she's being called up the stage, and the four of them run up there.

_I feel delirious _

_Come let's get out of here _

_We're so anonymous _

_But it's all coming clear _

_We're heading for the sky, _

_And we'll get lost in it _

_'cause all i want, all i want, all i want is everything _

"She's really good huh" I turn around, and Austin is looking up, I really didn't want to see him again "I guess going to that school was worth it"

"what are you doing here?" I ask, and he frowns "didn't you do enough damage yesterday?"

"I don't wanna cause no trouble" he says, and standing in front of me "I just want to understand what's going on with Torrey"

"Tori" I correct him, and he rolls his eyes "that's none of your business" he rubs his hands together and puts them inside his pocket

"I don't know if you noticed but I care about that girl, I just want to help" I scratch the back of my neck, trying to calm myself down, as much as I'd like to be as chill as I always am, this guys has a way of getting in my nerves

"Look, if you want to help her just drop it alright" The song ends, and we applaud, and I already know he's not leaving. Fuck. I walk up to the stairs and leaving him behind, picking up Tori from the stage "you were amazing!"

I give her a kiss and she chuckles, with her cheeks red due to the cold weather "wait...What's Austin doing here?" I look behind, and he's coming in our direction, great, just great.

* * *

**A/N: Please, Please review!** Love you all,

- Kiribati


	16. Firsts

Beck's POV

"You show up once in a blue moon but makes on hell of a show" He says, and Cat goes off to hug him; Tori holds my hand tighter and opens a huge smile, she's officially in the I'm in school mode "You're really talented Torrey"

I roll my eyes when he says her nickname, or just the way he says her name; I don't get it, and I don't like it. He takes a step forward pushing Cat away, and she runs off to the stage with Andre and Jade to play again "Thanks..." she let's go off my hand and crosses her arms "...I'm sorry about yesterday, I'm...I..." she sights and I put my arm around her shoulders

"How's it like working at an aquarium?" I ask, trying to avoid the awkward silence that was about to come "I have a fish tank"

"It's hard work but it pays off, y'all should come and visit tomorrow" I look up at Beck, and Cat appears from nowhere, I thought she was on stage but apparently another band already took over. "I might even let you feed the Otters" he smiles at Tori, and she looks away, I don't even know why this guy keeps trying.

"I'd love to go!" she laughs again, and hugs him, giving him a kiss on the cheek "What are you doing tonight?" he looks down at her, and frowns rolling his eyes. She should give Cat a chance, and forget about Tori, waste his time on a girl that is actually interested.

"Actually me and my friends are going to hang out at my place, if y'all want to come..."

"...Yes, yay!" she claps her hands and runs off to meet Jade and Andre next to a Folk band, that's setting up for their show. Another night with booze, drugs and suspicious Austin, this should be great for us, just great.

* * *

Tori's POV

"Torrey's friends these are my friends, Tanya, Dolph, Miguel and George" they wave and we introduce ourselves quickly, Tanya is really beautiful, tall and blonde with her hair on a high ponytail and bright pink nail polish, wearing a 'Save the Tennessee River' shirt and Miguel is short, even shorter than Austin and he has John Lennon glasses that make him look like a weird turtle. I wave and catch Austin's gaze, but he's not smiling or flirting, he's analyzing me and it's even more nerve wrecking.

Cat, as always, pulls out whatever her brother gave her to this trip, and everyone gets excited and I remind myself not to use any of it. Having to save your voice sucks, specially when you are constantly having mental breakdowns and I the need of any distraction, but no drugs Tori, no drugs.

I grab a bottle of beer from the fridge and Beck gets one for himself, they sit all over the living room, Robbie and Andre make sure to be near Tanya, and Jade puts loud, punk rock music on, and I can feel Austin staring at me again. I sit down at the same couch from the previous night, resting my head on Beck's neck, and he places his hand on my tight making Austin look away, thankfully. Everyone starts to talk about the aquarium, Robbie has dozens of questions for Tanya, but Dolph seems to answer all of them in her place, also, he has a weird voice, too high, and his laugh is just like that noise Dolphins make.

"I know!" Tanya exclaims, when she's finally able to speak due to Dolph's uncontrollable laughing, that makes Cat laugh too, and all that plus with the loud music makes it almost impossible to hear anything really, unless you scream "The snake heads are devastating the whole marine life in the Tennessee River!" Tanya says, and both Andre and Robbie come closer, nodding as if what she was saying was the most interesting thing in the world.

"I know that feel" Robbie says, blowing smoke rings and catching them with his mouth, and she giggles...she giggled at Robbie?

"Do you know what's fun?" Cat yells, and takes out two decks from her purse "Strip Poker!" She winks at Austin, and I roll my eyes, she's so into him even thought he shows no sign of liking her back, but knowing Cat, I know she's not going to give up on him.

"That's fun!" George agrees, clearing the table and getting the decks from her hand starting to draw the cards, strip poker would be fun...if I didn't have dozens of stiches in my arms and visible cuts everywhere. "Who's in?"

I look at Beck reaching for help, ok, how am I going to get out of this one? If I leave now they'll now I'm hiding something because I'm basically running away from everyone at any time possible, and they're all sober enough to remember it. They all get around the table, and look over at me and Beck, alone on the couch and I'm pretty sure they can see the conflicted look on my face "are you two in?" Austin asks, right before turning down the music just a bit and Jade raises an eyebrow, as she always does.

Beck gets up, alright I am just going to follow his lead, and offers me his hand "I think we..." he tilts his head towards the hallway and I raise my eyebrows nodding and looking at them, got it. I put my arm around his back, holding him tighter, and we walk slowly towards the other side of the room.

"Yeah...maybe another time guys" I smile awkwardly and lead Beck inside the hall, hearing Jade's unnecessary comment_ 'jeez they're like bunnies'_ that I imagine was carried by an eye roll. At least they bought it, teen couple wanting to make out is actually the most believable option. I press him against the door, and he smiles, real true, Beck smile. And it's amazing to see him truly smile in the middle of all this mess, because he is my safe spot, and if he's happy...I think I just might have the strength to try and be happy with him.

He shrugs, and I bite my bottom lip hiding a smile, and he brushes some hair off my face and I stand on my tiptoes pressing my lips against his, twisting my hands on his shirt as he runs his hands down my lower back squeezing my ass slightly, and I open my mouth giving his tongue entrance. Letting my hands run up to his face, and his hair, and losing myself in him because I need it, and I deserve it.

"God, I love you so much" he whispers and shut my eyes, I could've lost him, if I Trina hadn't found him I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be kissing his lips...I'm glad that I didn't die...for once, I think I am.

I kiss him again and again and somehow we find our way to a bedroom, and we try to be as careful as we can not to screw up my stitches, settling by just kissing, it's best for now. The last thing I'd want is for them to break, and end up dying when I can actually see a silver lining, or worse, having to face all of my friends with bleeding arms.

His hands run up and down under my shirt, and I trail kisses down his neck, stopping at the collar of his shirt, his collarbones and going back up biting his bottom lip. I hate these stitches, because I don't want to stop, if anything, I want to keep going and never stop. I roll us around to be sitting on his lap, resting my elbows on his shoulder as he draws my lips back to his, we can do mostly kissing.

I start to hear some screaming and running. I pull away, to try and figure out what's going on "I WON!" Cat yells, and some more running.

"NO, CAT!" Someone yells back, but it's neither Andre, Robbie or Jade "COME BACK!" I shrug, and Beck smiles as I turn back to him, and I take my shirt off, that won't hurt. He kisses down my neck and throw my head back, shutting my eyes and when he goes back up and crash my lips on his, and he opens his mouth so I can deepen it, rolling us around again so he's on top.

I run my hand up his bare chest, and back down holding on to his belt "GUYS I WON!" I pull away as Cat bursts into the room laughing, I fold my arms under him, and Beck holds me tighter to help hiding them too "Look!"

She waves lots of clothes in the air, and I noticed that she's still has her skirt, shirt and socks on, the girl can play poker. "That's nice Cat" he tells her, and she still doesn't seems to realize in what position she got us in, because she enters the room...fuck, we should've locked the door "Cat, can you give us a second?"

"But I thought this was a guest room party?!"

"It'll be Cat" I tell her, and she throws all the clothes she was carrying on the corner "Just give us a minute and you can come back" she nods and as soon as she heads out we both get up, and I think I've never dressed as fast as I did just now. He waits for me by the door, and we go back into the living room, covered in smoke, empty bottles everywhere, this really weird Indie music playing and...Tanya is making out with Robbie?!

"BECK! DUDE!" Miguel shouts, he's in his green boxers, that makes me think he looks like a turtle even more, holding up a Wii remote "We need one more, are you in?" He looks at the wall and starts to laugh hysterically and I know Beck wants to play, but he won't leave my side unless I tell him it's fine for him to do so. I mean, what's worse that could happen, I don't see Austin anywhere to be found...

"Go, I'll be fine" I give him a little push, and he looks at me for reassurance, and I wave for him the go. I turn around and go over to the old piano, on the corner of the room, there are a few photos on top of it, all of them from Austin and his parents when he was little...it's a shame, if you have good parents like he did you shouldn't lose them.

I sit down at the piano, and play around with the notes "Do you play?" Austin sits down beside me, and hands me a bottle of beer. If I think before I talk, I won't mess up like last night, so there's in no need to freak out, just think straight.

"Yeah" I answer quickly and keep as short as I can, drawing my attention back to the piano.

"Today when I saw you up on the stage, you looked like Torrey" I look up at him, and he's string straight into my eyes "You looked happy..."

"I know" I am whole different self onstage, I am everything I wanted to be in real life, confident, happy and free "do I look like Torrey now?"

He nods, and takes a sip off his beer "You look like you're struggling, I just don't know what" I break away and look back at my fingers on the piano, then taking a sip off my own bottle "What happened?"

I scan through the living room, thinking everything through. Should I answer him? I know he can keep a secret, but how can I answer if I myself am not sure of what happened?

_He wanted to be with me just to get an A...what a jerk. Why is it that the hot guys are always messed up and troubled? Ryder Daniels, the ultimate asshole. I can't believe I actually thought he liked me, the hot senior that hooks up with every girl in the school wanted me. Why would I be an exception? I'm just another one, just like in everything else I do. _

_Sure, it was nice to sing and humiliate him tonight but that won't actually make a difference, because I am still the fool who fell for it. "The world is right again!" Trina announces walking in the living room, god, I really don't need this right now. "He wouldn't date you if he wasn't going to get something from it I mean, why would he choose you?" _

_She keeps on talking, I really shouldn't be listening to all of this...she's so fucked up, why does she feel the need to make me feel like shit every fucking day?! I get, and leave her talking to herself going over to my room, locking my door breathing heavily, everything is fine, Trina's just full of shit. _

_I sit down in my bed, and play around with a pink eraser on my nightstand, with this feeling that something bad is going to happen. I don't really know why but I can feel it, and I can't stand it... I start to bite my nails, but that doesn't really does it for me, oh god, what is this feeling? I can't stay here I need to get out, I need to find somewhere else to stay, far from all of this. _

_I throw the eraser aside, and get up shaking from all the energy that built up, bad energy and I'm freaking out and I don't know why, and everything is spinning. I sit down at the floor, tears pouring down my face and the feeling of dizziness starts to go away; I look down at my hands, and I notice my arm is completely scratched...what did I do? Why did I do that? _

_My breathing starts to fasten again, and I can't catch my breath because there is too much air, and I'm dizzy and all of those weird feeling come back and...I want to stop! Everyday I feel like this and nothing works, I can't seem to find peace, or any control of my body! I have to find a way out! _

_I scratch my arm like I was doing before, when it seemed to work, but it doesn't do it for me this time, I need more...I have to control it I'm... The sharpener. This is crazy Tori. You can't do that, that's what shitty girls with shitty lives do and you're life is great, there's not need for you to go that far. _

_Then why am I holding the single blade in my hand? _

_Fuck! Fuck! Why is this even happening to me? Why me god, why me? I don't deserve this I...What did I do to have all this shit happening to me, one after the other, Jade always being a cunt to me, Danny and Cat and Trina and...And I didn't need any of this! I didn't sign of for this shit! I put the blade on my nightstand, and I take my pants off, and my shirt off and I'm still hot, and cold at the same time. _

_I'm not going to cut, I am not going to cu, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, I am not going to cut, shit._

_I lie back down in my bed, and stare at the wet blade...with my blood...I'm done, so fucking done. I always imagine what went through a persons mind when they started cutting, and why they did that. I'm not an expert, one cut is hardly enough to classify me as a 'cutter', but if you ask me what was going through my mind I can't give you an answer, because I feel like shit. Because I gave in to the temptation of cutting and I am the ultimate failure, I'm shit and I'm done._

"I already told you, life Austin" he puts down the bottle, and turns to face me, but I keep starting at the piano "I take things harder than other people do"

"Every teenager feels like that" I roll my eyes, ignorance, the fake illusion created by people to make parents feel good about themselves. The concept that every teen is sad and lonely, and that whenever we have a crisis, or do drugs or fail in school it's because 'They're just teenagers'. And that's bullshit, because I have a real issue, and if what I have is just some Teen crisis than half of the teenage population would be dead by now, because not everyone is as lucky as I am to have Beck by their side. "We all go through the_ 'why am I here'_ crisis"

I stop playing at look at him, I can't sit here and listen to him say these things without saying anything back "You might say that" I tell him, and he gives me a small smile, and I look down at my wrists "But let me ask you this" I breathe in deeply, and roll up the sleeves of my shirt, exposing the stiches and the smaller cuts "Is this just something that every teen does too?"

* * *

A/N: Hi guys, hope you liked this one. I wanted to thank _Carolinemcnerie_ for the amazing review, also I'd like to thank_ CrystalWatersXo _and_ Miss Pretty Girl_ for reviewing every chapter I really appreciate it, specially when it's a constructive review :) Thanks so much! And please, guys, it takes thirty seconds or less to leave any review, just so I know weather you are enjoying it or not, please leave one. Love all of you, I hope you have an awesome week,

- Kiribati


	17. The Talk

**Tori's POV**

He widens his eyes, frowning his lips together and scratching the back of his neck. A better reaction than I would've guessed if you ask me. I roll my sleeves back down and go back to playing the beginning of the song, but I can't really focus with him paralyzed right beside me, and this annoying indie music playing. He puts his hand over mine for me to stop, and I look up at him. For once he's not smiling, or analyzing me, he's plain serious and sincere. "This is what happens over the years"

"Well I'm...I'm sorry" I free my hand from his, this indie music is really getting in my nerves.

"I don't want your pity" I cut him off, before he began an idiotic speech about life, getting up. "I'm gonna go somewhere without this terrible music" He needs to think for a while, you don't just drop a bomb like that and expect an instant, reasonable reaction.

"...goddamned music" he murmurs, and I head out the hall and to what makes this apartment much more expensive than mine, the second floor. It's a big room, half opened with a barbecue and pool and half closed just like a winter chalet, he doesn't let a lot people up there because it's his Nana's favorite room and he doesn't want people messing it up. But like his Grandma, this has always been my favorite room at his house too, and as I climb up the stairs I'm glad to see it hasn't changed.

I shut the door and sit down at the couch nearest to the fireplace, lighting it up to get warmer. I know he can keep a secret, he's just one of those people you can trust no matter what, so I shouldn't worry about that. My eyes wonder through the room, stopping at a knitting set on the coffee table. There are two needles, and a scissor.

I pick it up, they're sharper than usual, I bet they would do a lot of damage if I... "Now this make a hell lot mot sense then that porch you went to yesterday" I throw the scissors at the table, running my fingers through my hair. He looks okay, he's still not smiling which I'm glad "You've always loved this room"

"I guess some things never change" he goes over to the refrigerator on the corner of the room, picking up two bottles of sweet tea, handing me one and I take a short sip "uum...thanks. I wish sweet tea was a common drink in LA, instead of plain Ice-Tea, it's so much better.

He sits beside me, and his leg brushes against mine "How you holdin' up?"

And that's it, he doesn't ask me about any of the details of how I did it, and I'm relieved that he doesn't. "Everyday is a struggle" I admit, taking another longer sip, enjoying the taste "some better than others" I decide it's best to leave the ugly details of my breakdowns due to the medication aside, he doesn't need to know that I can go from 'Cat happy' to absolutely miserable in a matter of seconds. "but if it wasn't for Beck...I probably wouldn't be alive"

He nods his head, and I cross my legs resting my head on the couch "You two have been dating for a long time huh"

I laugh at his statement, sighting "not that long" I tell him, when I think about it doesn't even seem like days, it's more like a movie. A beautiful tragic one, that'd like to watch over and over again, and it seems to be a lot longer than it actually is, in a good way. "not that long, at all"

He shrugs, and places one hand on my shoulder squeezing it slightly "I'm just happy you're still here" he lifts up his bottle, and I do it too just to be polite because I'm not quite sure to what we're toasting for. His hand moves down my arm, and reaches for mine, his hand isn't quite as big as Beck's, it doesn't fit right "when are you going to leave?"

"On the third" I free my hand from his, putting the half empty bottle on the table, right next to the scissor, folding my arms slightly but as I feel the stitches brush against my sleeve I unfold them, it still hurts when I put pressure on it, and it's really ugly too, I hate it.

He hands me his phone "don't change your number this time", I chuckle softly typing my number; His background is a photo of him, holding a baby penguin, cute. I throw it back to him and sit up straight again.

"I changed my plan, I had to change numbers" he nods, as if not believing what I said, but it's the truth, I'd never change my number to stop talking to him, not back then anyways. I get up, stretching my legs, I should go back to the living the room.

"Torrey..." I stop at the middle of the stairs, to see Austin right behind me "who else knows?"

"Just you and Beck" I go down the hall, opening the door to the living room, and both Beck and Miguel yell as the match of the video game ends. I sit down beside him, and he gives me a small peck before grabbing back the remote.

"Guys..." George says, looking weirdly desperate "we have a situation"

"what the hell happened now?" Austin asks, and I now notice that Robbie and Tanya are nowhere to be found and that Dolph and Andre are pretending to be Walruses' at the corner

"WE LOST CAT!" Miguel yells, shit.

"What do you mean we lost Cat?" I ask him, getting up, a normal Cat missing isn't good, a high Cat missing is terrible.

"We were playing Mario Kart and she was talking to the smoke rings she blew..." he looks around, as if he was calculating something "and I got distracted on the last match, when I looked back at her she...she was gone!"

"Did you look around the house?!" Dolph asks, coming closer "Cat!"

"I looked everywhere! She's not here!"

**Beck's POV**

Tori decided it was best to go out and look for Cat in groups, and she also decided to go with Dolph and Andre, leaving me with George and Jade in another to look at the bridge and the other side of town, even thought it's nearly impossible that she'd be able to get there so fast without any of us seeing her already; Miguel to stay at the house and I'm with Austin. I'd rather be doing anything else than go around town in the cold having to listen to him whistling the beginning of_'Sweet Home Alabama'_ over and over.

"Cat!" I yell, with no answer for the fifth time.

"She ain't going to answer, if she was nearby she'd have heard us already" I roll my eyes at his sassy comment, and check my phone to see if there were any updates, nothing "Hey, Man, what's the deal with you and Torrey?"

I frown at his question, what does he mean by our deal? I'm her boyfriend, I'm the one who should ask him why he's always so nice and flirty to her.

"I could ask you the same question" I keep walking, stopping and entering a pharmacy to ask them if Cat passed by

"Calm down fluffy hair" Now he's just trying to get into my nerves, to bad he doesn't know I actually am proud of my fluffy hair "I just wanted to know why she tried to commit sui-"

"she told you?" I stop in the Shampoo hall to face him, before he finishes the sentence "why would she do that?" I think out loud, regretting it already.

"Why I guess she still trusts me" he walks past by me, and to the counter, they didn't see her. And I really wish I was with Cat, looking for Austin instead of the opposite, because I feel like I can't be near alone with him for much longer.

"Why did you two break up?" I ask, as we head out and he gives me a surprised look "No, she didn't tell me that you two dated, I just put two and two together" he nods his head, and finally stops whistling the song about his dearly beloved state "and you look like you're pretty into Tori so I'm curious, why did you break up?"

"That's something she's gonna have to answer" he starts to walk backwards, looking inside the alleys "She's the one who broke up with me" I smirk with that statement, even if it was years ago and that I'm positive that she has no feelings left for the guy, I'm still glad he didn't break her heart "but I will tell you this, she seemed a hell lot happier with me, back then, than now"

"Just...shut up, you don't know what you're talking about" I walk past him, going around the corner and making my way to the only opened store on the mains street, a small market place.

"Hi, did you see this girl by any chance?" The guy at the counter looks closely, and starts to laugh.

"Nice girl, came by just a few minutes ago to buy party stuff, balloons, some hats"

"thank you so much" I walk out, grabbing my phone to call Tori, that finally had the decent idea to come meet with me and Austin and the rest of the guy "they're coming here" I tell Austin, that's sitting on the sidewalk.

"I'm not ignorant ya know" he begins, and I think, what the hell if he says the stupidest shit in the world since I'm here I might as well listen. "I know how depression work my Grandma had it after my folks died, not pretty" I sit down beside him "I just worry about her man, I'm not trying to steal your girlfriend or anything like that, it wouldn't work with the distance, we've tried it before and..." he sights and stops talking to go back to whistling.

Distance. The thing that scares me the most when I think about the future, I checked her colleges she applied for, the closest she came to Vancouver was a college in northern California, in San Francisco; The closest to California I chose was in south Seattle, four hours away from Vancouver, thousands of miles away from San Francisco. I mean, I know she's not thirteen anymore, but long distance relationships aren't built to last. No, I promised myself I wouldn't worry about that now.

"What's she taking?" I nod, cracking my neck "Prozac?"

"Zolof" he frowns, nodding his head right before resting it in his hands.

"that's an ugly one in the beginning" he's finally saying something that makes sense "just gotta keep close watch on her"

"Hey!" I get up as I hear the sound of her voice, and she meets me, wrapping her arm around my torso "So she was sane enough to buy stuff, that's good" I chuckle at her weird optimism, that only works when it's about other peoples lives as we start to walk slowly, following Dolph.

"we should go back to Austin's apartment, she might've gotten back" Andre suggest, and Tor rests on of her hand in my chest and I kiss the top of her head, suddenly not bothered by Austin's stare anymore.

* * *

**A/N:** Really short chapter, I know. It's just that I'm feeling a bit discouraged by lack of reviews, are you guys disappointed on where this is heading? :/ please, let me know...


	18. Time

**_Important author's note at the end. _**

* * *

Beck's POV

I slow down the pace, quickly falling behind everyone else "So, I was talking to Austin... Why didn't you tell me you two dated?" She looks up at me, shocked, and crosses her arms "No, don't get me wrong, I'm fine with it. I just wanted to know why you didn't tell me"

"It wasn't a big deal" she begins, and Andre turns around looking at the both of us with a slight grin on his face that soon turns into a frown, making him walk ahead, giving space for her to go on talking. "Like I told you, I used to come here every summer, and on the last three of them and we did the long distance thing for a while" Three summers? That's a lot...like, really serious for teenagers, even for adults, how could that just have slipped out of her mind. "are you mad?"

"No" she walks ahead of me, turning around her eyebrows slightly furrowed "I'm not mad, Tor, I just want you to tell me about your three year long relationships"

"It's just him, you know all about the others"

She did tell me, but I already knew, first it was Ryder Daniels, I used to get where the guy was coming from, never settle for one girl, big difference: I'm always very clear about what I want, meanwhile the guy used them for grades as if he actually had feeling for the them, another jerk. He got what he deserved with Tori's song about him, I wasn't there that day, but I saw the videos and she really did get him, but the effect it had on her; That's the part she told me, and that no one else knows, it really broke her heart, Ryder Daniels is a fucking prick. And then there's the other guy, she didn't really tell me about him, and I can't remember his name...Stephen? Stan? I don't know, but he was dating her and a girl for ICarly at the same time, and made him get caught live on camera, for millions of people to see. Gotta give it to her, she can ruin a guy's reputation when she wants to, at least she does it with a good reason.

I take her hand and pull her closer to me, bringing my hand to her neck "I'm not mad, ok?" I kiss her on the cheek, and we go on walking. Just like Austin, she said they couldn't work 'the long distance thing', and we're going to have to try to work that out pretty soon too, but she was a lot younger, right? It won't be the same with us, we're both going to be eighteen...we will make it work, won't we?

Tori's POV

We get to the door, and the loud indie music is gone, the TV is shut off and the living room is completely empty. "We should check the rooms, again" Dolph suggest, and we all head to the hall, opening the first door to the guest room.

"Guest room party!" we all take a breath of relieve when finding the room full of balloons, chips and cookies, and an extremely happy Miguel next to Cat and Robbie and Tanya laughing while Robbie stares her. "I thought we needed balloons for the party Toriii!"

"We definitely needed them" I tell her, kicking some off the floor and starting a don't-drop-the-balloon sort of game, but after a few seconds they end up attacking the food, and Beck grabs a package of_Dorito's_ for us, sitting on one of the corners of the room.

"So!" Tanya says, in an awfully excited tone "Where are y'all planning on going to college to?"

"Cat and I are going to Julliard" Jade says, and Cat squeaks with happiness.

"Yeah and Tori, Robbie and I applied to Berkley and UCLA" We applied, and I'm pretty sure we're going to get in. Most people do, and I love the dramatic arts program they have, specially in UCLA, it's my first choice. Always was, in the city where I'm most likely to find a job in the area, and make a living of it.

"What about you big boy?" She points at Beck, and I suddenly get this awful rush of...I don't even know, no not really, I do know.

College.

I've been blocking it, and I was doing a fine job on it, as long as I didn't think about it, it wouldn't happen, and I wouldn't have to face the cruel reality that high school is ending soon, and so is my time with Beck. I can't see myself alive with him, and distance is hard. Distance doesn't work, it didn't work with me before, why would it work now? Of course I changed, and of course my relationship with Beck and Austin in nothing alike but still... I just don't need to think about this right now.

"Probably Vancouver Arts and Film College" he says, looking down at me, and I swallow thick air.

"ooh British Columbia!" She yells, and I'm starting to get this massive headache from her voice "I think I should go home now" she gets up, stumbling on her own feet, and walks out of the room.

"Robbie!" Cat yells, and we all stare at him as he stays there, doing nothing

"Dude!" Andre says, and he suddenly jumps, covering his face.

"what?!"

"You don't let a drunk girl go home alone!" I finally yell, getting up myself.

"...right!" he runs off behind her, and I look around for a few seconds, but I feel as if my head was going to explode, I need to shut off. I leave the room, and Beck follows me, heading straight across the hall, into the apartment, pick up my bag from the guest room and shutting myself inside the bathroom.

Today is December thirty first, classes end in June...I have six months, six months with him and then there's summer. And college, and life, and...and nothing. Six months is not enough! No time is enough; I turn on the shower, so he doesn't worry thinking that I'm freaking out again, I don't want to put all of my problems on his back, not this time. And as much as I try to get my mind off of it, all I can think is that I have one hundred and fifty six days left with him, and it's not enough.

I spend at least an hour inside the shower, for one thing because I have to be extra careful with the stupid fucking stitches, and second because I needed space to calm myself down, I have to learn how to do this on my own. Now that it hit me, he's leaving again, and I can't kill myself when he does. For once, this Zolof thing might actually be working.

I get out, and Andre is in sleeping in his bed on the hall, but I can hear Cat's extreme laugh from all the way across the hall. I go inside the room, and put down my stuff on the corner, still drying my hair with the towel.

"What are you watching?" I ask, and he sits moves over to the side of the bed padding on the mattress for me to sit by his side, and I do so, putting my legs over his lap, and my head on his shoulder, biting my bottom lip to keep me from crying. I think I'm gong to feel like crying every time I'm with him now.

"_The Perks Of Being a Wallflower_, the movie" I sight, we talked about it the first day I went to his RV, back then, all I wanted was to get rid of the project, so I wouldn't have to spend time with him. Today I'm an emotional mess, part of it because we're going to have to be apart.

_"Beck..._" he strokes my hair, kissing the side of my head_"...we only have six months left"_

"That's only time, and we don't have to time about it" his voice is steady, as it always is when he tries to make a point, and make me feel better. It's the exact opposite of mine, shaky and keeping to as little words as possible, before I break down into another hopeless attack "we can say it's six months, but think about it, animals don't have a time to wake up, or feed or even birthdays, they just exist, and they do much better than humans, they don't have most of the fucked up diseases we have so forget about it. Only humans measure time, and in reality it means nothing, we can make every second we have together turn into more, so..." He stops talking, and brings the hands that was in my hair up to his, running his fingers through them, covering his eyes right after it, fuck... "let's not think about it for now, ok?"

"ok"

* * *

Cat grabs both mine, and Jade's arm, dragging us inside Victoria's Secret, I don't know how that girl does it, but she's immune hangovers, and I'm a weak drinker, so a couple of shots of tequila plus medicine, plus all the stupid drama, my head hurts just as much as last time. Being dragged to the aquarium with scream kids, and screaming Cat, didn't help either, the last thing I want right now is to buy underwear.

"Every year my brother and I buy new panties to give us good luck, you have to be wearing it by midnight today and it will bring good things for you!" She says, and we follow her to the right corner of the store, were they explain what color means what.

"stop saying the words panties, I HATE IT!" Jade yells, making Cat take a step back "But wait...you shop in Victoria's Secret with your brother?" Cat laughs until she can't catch her breath

"No silly! I shop alone, he just tells me what color he wants!" she nods her head, looking around and coming closer "my brother is not allowed in Victoria's Secret stores anymore"

Jade and I take a minute to look at the colors, and she reaches for a golden one, it means money and success. Honestly I'm not too worried about that now, and it's not like I believe that the color of my underwear is going to determine how my whole year goes, but picking a good color won't do any harm.

"I want the pink one, because I always need more pink in my life!" Cat gets the most girlish one, and I choose the lacy purple one, it's supposed to bring positive energy into ones life, and that's what I need the most right now. Unless there's a pantie that can give teletransportation, so I can see my boyfriend even if he goes to college in South Korea.

"Interesting choice Vega" Jade says, and I ignore her comment paying for my item and heading out the store to wait for the boys, that went to get some ice cream, even though we had lunch thirty minutes ago, that has a special pound burger on the menu which all of them ate. Except for Robbie, he asked for the kids special to get the car shaped plate, it's a mystery to me how, and why Tanya liked him.

"I like that bag" Beck says as he gets closer and I giggle, grabbing the spoon from his ice cream and eating some of it myself.

"Hii!" Cat yells, as she and Jade get off the store, and Andre starts to sing the song he made when he was fifteen about how much he loves the Victoria's Secret models, until we get in another store, and the manager asks him to either shut up or leave.

"I'm still pretty tired guys, I think I'm going to head home" I tell them, and Robbie says he wants to come too, and to save money, we all decide to go, squeezing inside one cab, to sleep before the party Tanya invited us, at the aquarium today.

We get home and I sleep, really sleep for what it feels like the first time in ages. I think I even dreamt, but now my alarm is ringing, and I just know I won't drift back asleep even if I want to. I rub my eyes and get up, and Beck goes off to take a shower, but it's weird, it's quiet. Too quiet and I know no one except me and Robbie planned on going to sleep. I head out the hall hearing angry whispers one over the other, and the second I walk in the living room everything goes quiet except for the sound of running water.

Andre, Jade, Cat and Robbie are gathered around, looking at me "Is everything ok guys?" I ask, my heart racing fast. Why are they acting like this?

"Tori we need to tell you something" Andre gets up, and walks over to me, sitting me down at a chair, oh god what happened? Jade sits up, frowning her lips and Cat rocks her legs back and forth.

"We know about Christmas, and the hospital and well, everything"

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the late uptade guys, I got sick this week so I wasn't really on the right mind to write! But here's a new one, it's short too but I just wanted to leave it at that ;) And did you guys hear, Victorious won best show at the Kids Choice Awards! Now the important part, I'm starting my exams next week so I don't know when I'm going to be able to upload, lots of stuDYING to do :(

**Love you all! Please, make my day and leave a review!**

- Kiribati


	19. Hiding

Tori's POV

"We know about Christmas, and the hospital and well, everything"

My heart races like it's going to blow up, not in a good way. It's painful, physical pain, every single inch of my body itches and scratches and aches at the same time. How do they know?! "I don't know what you're talking about" I quickly shoot back, before my voice breaks and I swallow the tears... This is bad, even Cat is serious right now! I back away, and try to make my way back inside the guest room.

"You're not going anywhere" Jade pushes me back into the chair, and I cross my arms, scratching the back of them under my shirt, in a way that they can't notice I'm doing it, and to keep me from shaking too much. I can't sit here and talk about it...I'm...no... "So, you must be wondering how we know" she begins, and each words is a pound in my head making me dizzier and dizzier.

"Jade go easy..." Andre interrupts, but I keep staring at her raised eyebrow, Cat's rocking legs, Robbie's nail biting and Andre's concerned look, they're all acting strange, and weird, and I can't really handle it.

"First clue was the Zolof I found snooping around your room, so I thought it must be Beck's, depression fits his profile but then..."

"Trina called, she wanted to know if she could have your sleeveless shirts..."

"...so I asked why" Cat interrupts Robbie, that stays shut as I figure out the rest of the story. It had to be Trina, it's always Trina, does she actually think I'm that screwed up?! The scars will fade...I hope they will otherwise...

I'm unable to speak, so they go on talking but I can't understand what they're saying, because they probably hate me now...and...fuck I have to get out of here. I get up and run outside the apartment "Torrey, Hey!" I look at Austin, but not just him and also the open door to his apartment, running inside to get away from Jade's clacking heels, Cat's high pitch yells and Andre telling me to wait; But I block all of it, and lock the door behind me at the bottom of the stairs.

It doesn't take more than a few seconds for them to call my name, and I run upstairs barely being able to breathe. This is bad, really bad... They'll never see me the same way again, I'm going to lose my friends and soon the whole school will know and Sikowitz won't give me any more parts, so no agent will see me, I won't get a good job in the industry...

I wouldn't get a job even if no one found out, not if these scars don't fade away.

I curl up in the couch, rocking back and forth, staring at that sharp pair of scissors...that'd do some damage... No, I'm not going to do this again, cutting will take me nowhere. But than again, where am I going now? I grab them, and run my fingers through the blade, they're sharper than I thought... I can't.

I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. I am not going to cut. Shit.

A deep feeling of freedom, I missed it. The pinch of pain, good pain and it's is more frequent, efficient, now. I think it's because I'm not used to do it anymore, a week without cutting and I'm already going crazy over a tiny little one on my stomach...but it feels so...

"Tor, open up!" Fuck. I throw the scissors on the table and get up, what am I going to do?! "Tor c'mon, it's me..." I thought he was on the shower...how long has it been since I'm in here?! Shit, Beck is going to hate me if he finds out...he can't find out, he won't find out.

I go downstairs, and press my head against the door "Beck?"

"Tori, everything's fine, open the door" I breathe in, and feel another pinch of pain, but instead of the good, freeing kind this one is carried with guilt and shame. The urge to cut more, if I do it just one more time, maybe this feeling will go away for good.

"I can't" I say, before burying my face in my hands to keep him from hearing my excessive crying, I'm a mess, huge and total mess.

"If you can't come out, let me in" I look around, and run up the stairs again stumbling in a couple of steps due to my blurry vision "don't do anything stupid! Tori!" Don't do anything stupid? He doesn't know I have scissors, what does... I glance over at the opened space, the pool and the huge balcony. He thinks I might jump, it's not absurd that he thinks that... I could do it. Die in the beautiful city of Chattanooga, on the last day of the year, two attempts in a month, both in significant dates, it'd be poetic. "Tori!"

No, ending my life is not the answer. I go back down and open the door, standing behind it so no one can see me "Just Beck" I shut and lock the door as soon as he's completely inside, and he pulls me into a hug, taking a breath of relieve. I hold tight to him, still shaking but it's better like this, when I'm not alone. Easier to keep away the thoughts.

"they don't hate you"

"they should" I hold on until my heartbeat slows down "I can't explain it to them Beck, I can't talk about it" I let go, walking up the stairs. I don't want whoever is out there to hear what we're about to say.

"Do you want me to talk to them for you?" He leans against the wall and I nod, sitting down at the edge of the couch.

"I should be the one who talks" he moves closer, sitting in front of me "but there's no one way for me to do it without you there" he runs his fingers through his hair with an easy smile, and looks up at me to what soon turns into a...frown?

"Tor is that..." he reaches for my shirt "blood?" I look down and my chin drops, it left a stain, the one time he can't know that I cut I get a stain; I curl up, and tears stream down my face from both sadness and guilt "what did you do?"

"I panicked, I didn't now what to do" I look into his eyes and cry even more, because I broke his heart, and I let him and everyone else down with just this tiny cut, it wasn't even big enough to be worth it "I'm sorry..." C'mon, say something, he has to say something to break this awful sound of me sobbing. "I'm so sorry I...I love you...Beck, please"

"I know, I love you too I'm just..." he rolls his eyes and gets up turning around to face the wall, this is not good, 'justs' are never good "I'm just frustrated!" He raises his voice, I've never seen him talk like this, he hates me. "I don't get how you can do this yourself, you're amazing! And smart, and beautiful and I love you, but..."

"but, you hate me" I complete followed by a hiccup, and the urge to pull off my stitches, that'd be easier.

"No! I could never hate you, I..." he sits back down, placing one hand on my knee "I'm sorry but you can't keep doing this"

"but..."

"No, Tori. I let you before because you said it saved your life, and it didn't stop you from..." I shut my eyes, and I feel his lips on my cheek, and his hands on my hair "Just try to stop it, when it's bad I'll help you"

"I'm sorry I let you down" he wraps his arms around me, and I'm able to breathe since I locked myself up in here, how am I going to survive without him?

"I'm sorry to interrupt you two lovebirds up there" Austin yells, with poundings on the door "but I gotta get my books" I glance at the table, noticing the huge pile of biology books on it.

"Let's go get it cleaned up" he says, leading me downstairs and stopping right in front of the door "ready?" he asks, holding the doorknob and I mouth the word 'no' right before he opens it, and I get drowned by a group hug.

"We still love you girl" Andre says, making me smile, good.

"We don't want you to be sad!" Cat exclaims, and after a few seconds they finally let go

"I bought you a chocolate leaf blower" Robbie hands me the package and Beck shrugs with a smirk on his face.

"The next time you do it" Jade makes her way to me "call me beforehand so I can watch it"

"JADE!" they all scream at the same time, but I'm somewhat glad that she's joking about this. It could be much worse.

"It's fine guys" I say, walking towards the living room to have more room, the hallway is too tiny "I was just scared that you wouldn't like me anymore"

"I never liked you" there she goes again, carried by an annoyed expression .

"JADE!" I make them stop with the 'Jade' choirs, because I like it that she treats me the same way, I'd take that over pity any day.

We go back to the apartment to get ready for the new year's eve party, and Cat soon starts to talk about the plans on who's kissing who at midnight. I'm more worried on what I'm going to wear, I have one good, long sleeved dress that I know I packed but I can't seem to find anywhere.

"jackpot!" I say, taking it out from the bag and get up to put it on, right before looking at Beck, laying on the bed, watching TV "I need to change" I tell him, and he looks at me confused "can you give me a minute?"

"For real?" he turns in my direction, and I shrug "Tori I've seen you change a million times" Indeed he did, but I self conscious about the new, fresh cut right above my belly button, that must be a total mess. "is this about the cut?"

"Beck don't..."

He gets up, stepping closer to me "I didn't freak out that first day, why would I freak out now?" I take a step back and fall on the corner of the room, with my hands over my shirt.

"It's ugly, I'm ugly, I..."

"...you're not ugly, not even close to that" I bite my bottom lip looking down, no confidence, no self esteem, all that hits me at the same time, and it's not pretty. "I can leave if you really want me to" I nod, grabbing his shirt and kissing him, because he's too good for me, and I feel like I'm not worth it.

"It's fine" I let him go, and he goes back to the bad, and turning his attention to the TV; I look at the dress, and turn around to have my back facing him and I quickly change into the dress.

We hang around the house for another hour before leaving, turns out the party at the aquarium was staff members only, so Tanya took us to a VIP party her Dad's company is throwing at Hampton Inn, and I have to say it's amazing.

"Tanya this is amazeballs!" Robbie yells, and she gives him a kiss, gross.

"C'mon y'all, ten minutes to midnight!" Austin yells, and we walk up to the crowded dance floor, enjoying ourselves, champagne being served nonstop by fancy waiters with bowties, families dancing and couples running up to their rooms. Everyone's happy, and I should be too. This year should finish just the way I want the next one to start, with me being the happiest I can.

"THREE!" I look around, and people are starting to join up in pairs "TWO!" Beck pulls me towards him. I need to finish this year the happiest I can; I crash my lips onto his, because he's my happy place, and the last and first seconds of the year should always be like this "ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

* * *

A/N: Turns out nothing gets me going like procrastinating. **I loved the number of reviews on the last chapter**, I hope to have the same come up! Love you all,

- Kiribati


	20. When a door opens

Tori's POV

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" My knees go weak and I let my weight fall on him. I was right, I'm happy, glad to be here; but if I want to stop thinking about college, I'm going to need more.

"Ugh, get a room!" Jade yells, and I turn for a second to see Cat failing at kissing Austin, and being kissed by Miguel. You go Miguel. Beck draws me back to him, and I run my fingers through his hair, pulling it a little, I'm never going to make fun of his hair products ever again, it's so good to touch...

The DJ turns up the volume, and starts to play a super upbeat pop song making the dance floor as crowded as anyone could imagine. I wrap my arms around his neck and he clenches my waist with his hands as I rock my body with the rhythm, I like dancing. Not just moving my feet and waving my arms up the air, I like to really dance, throw my head back, spin around and pretend I'm in a whole new world kind of dancing. At times, the high of dancing can be even better than weed, all it takes is a really good song to make you let go completely.

The perfect song starts to play, to be more accurate, the perfect rhythm; I arch my back and turn around letting go of him, going up and down and it gets to the point that I'm surprised when the song changes, bringing me right back to reality. Beck is my reality, Beck and I, that's my life, only not for long. Why was I so stupid earlier today? I shouldn't feel embarrassed in front of him he has seen my cuts a million times, I can't waste my time with him feeling like I don't deserve him. We have four months, four months that have to be worth a lifetime, and I'm going to make them count.

I turn back to him, and grab the collar of his shirt, pressing my hip against his "We should get a room" I press my lips against his before he can give me an answer, because I know his first instinct is to worry about me, and say no.

"Believe me, I want to" I place my hand on the back of his neck and look up at him "but your doctor..."

"No, he said I could put too much weight on my arms and..."

"...heavy workout" he raises his eyebrows, trying to prove his point but I know it won't take a lot for him to give in, I mean, he's a boy.

"screw the doctor!" I press myself even closer, maintaining full eye contact "I'm going to take out these stupid stitches in a couple of days anyway, nothing will happen we just have to take it easy"

"fine" he rolls his eyes with a slight smirk on his face, and takes my hand leading us through the crowd, dodging the waiters and the excessive number of drunken people that seem to want to talk to us, or pull us back to the dance floor. "Hum...hey, happy new year"

"Happy new year!" the lady at the counter answers, with a weirdly big smile for someone who's working at new year's "how can I help you?"

"Do you have any available rooms?"

"let me check for you!" I place my around his back and rest my head on his chest patiently, I hope they have a room, because it's been too long since the last time we did this, and I really don't feel like taking a cab all the way back to my place right now; I might as well just steal someone else's keys. "It's we have one room left, what a lucky way to start the year huh?!"

"Yeah...lucky us" I say, as Beck hands her his credit card, proceed to check in as I grab the key to the room and push the elevator button. He meets me just as the door opens, reveling what looks like a passed out fourteen year old with a mustache drawn on his face and a balloon tied on his wrist. "what's the number?"

"Eighty three" I take the card from his hand, and we walk inside the hall side by side, I love how not-awkward this feels. Intimacy, this would be considered an awkward situation, that is until we reach the room, but not for us. Intimacy, that's what it is, and I've never been as comfortable as I am with him with anyone else...how will I have a good relationship near this one four months from now?

The answer is quite easy, I won't.

I unlock the door, and pull him crashing my lips onto his, trailing my mouth down his neck as he pulls me to the middle of the room _"what did you say about taking it easy?_" I grin at his sarcastic comment, and push his arms back to get rid of his jacket. I unbutton his shirt, and his hands trace down my body before I turn around so he can unzip my dress; I kick off my heels, and wrap my legs around his waist, I need more, that's all I can think of right now, more everything with him. "shit!"

"what? what is it?" he rolls his eyes, and sights...did I do something...

"I didn't bring a condom"

"what?! How could you not bring one?!" I put my legs back down, what went through his mind that made him not bring one fucking condom?

"I don't know, you didn't want to change in front of me and I thought it wasn't going to happen" that, right. I hold my hands on my hips, I don't want to stop, but I won't risk it...

"Fuck... I'll take a stupid morning after pill tomorrow" I push him onto to the bed, but he pulls away slightly.

"you sure? that..."

"stop worrying Beck, just go with it" He captures my lips with his, and I help him kick his jeans off, that morning after pill is definitely going to be worth it.

* * *

Beck's POV

Damn it's too bright in here... I hate the sun, it gets in the way of everything that's good, mostly sleeping which is simply my third favorite thing to do. I sit up, and rub my eyes gathering the courage to open them, I really think the Tennessee sun shines brighter because it's so...oh my god.

I check my phone for the time, and then at the completely asleep girl beside me. We didn't drink, she didn't smoke, we slept way earlier than a couple of nights ago and Tori is sleeping. It's half past ten, and she is sleeping.

I slip out of the bed the smoothest way I can, glad to see that she remained the same way. This is really good, the only time I've ever seen her sleep past seven was the day after Andre's party and that doesn't count because she was hungover. I sit down at the single chair near the window, right before jumping off of it to grab my ringing phone before it woke her up. Damn, when she sleeps in nothing will wake her.

I walk in the bathroom and shut the door _"hello?"_

"Hi Beck, it's Robbie, where are you and Tori?"

_"I'm still at the hotel"_ I peek inside the bedroom, still good.

"why are you whispering?"

_"__because Tor's asleep, what's up?_"

"where did everyone go? I'm at the hotel and I can't-" oh perfect!

_"dude I'm still here too, room eighty three, could you bring me breakfast from the buffet__?"_ I'm actually starving right now, and hotel breakfast's are simply the best.

"Yeah sure, I'll be right up"

I hang up and pick up my clothes from the floor, buckling my belt and putting on my jacket, I won't dare to get my smashed shirt under Tori's head. I stand by the door, looking through the magic eye, I don't want him to knock or yell and in a few minutes I spot him with a big plate full of food.

"thanks man" I grab the plate, and Robbie asks for cash to get on a taxi back to the condo, and since I only carry credit cards with me, he's going to have to walk back home. At least he gets to eat here too. I sit back down, and god, the food here is amazing, just like I imagined.

"...Beck..." I get up, and she frowns looking around "why are you up so early?" it's funny, I wake up and it takes minutes, sometimes even more than an hour for me to actually be awake. Tori on the other hand wakes up well, wide awake.

I put down the practically empty plate of food, and she sits up fixing her hair "why are you up so late?"

"what do you mean?" she climbs to the other side of the bed, and grabs the clock from the nightstand "very funny, you changed the time" she gets up, and it's pretty hard for me to focus on anything else beside her right now, stretching in her underwear. It's like she does these things just to tease me.

"It's not a joke" I show her my phone, and she widens her eyes, taking it from my hands.

"This is weird and I don't why but it feels good and I have all this energy!" she jumps on the bed, and takes my hand for me to climb on it with her "This is progress!" She spins around and laughs, and it's amazing how happy she is right now. She holds me by my shoulders and I can't help myself, pressing my lips against hers. She pulls away slightly, and peeks over my shoulder "how long have you been awake for?"

"I don't know maybe half an hour?"

"and you're already eating?!" she giggles, hitting on the same note as always, yes, I eat a lot.

"Well it is my second favorite thing to do..."

"and what's the first?" I pull her closer to me, and bring both of us down to the bed, kissing down her neck "glad to see is the same as mine..."

* * *

Tori's POV

Austin opens up the door to his car, and me Cat and Beck get out to get our bags, Jade, Andre and Robbie are riding with Dolph. I can't believe the holidays ended already, it was all so stressful, and amazing at the same time.

"Now y'all ain't going to forget about me once you get back home now are you?" I nod my head, and he pulls me in for a hug. There isn't one day about this trip that I can't think about something good happening, a silver lining, of course there was the day I had to take that fucking morning after pill that gives you the worst cramps and headache, but at least I know I'm not pregnant.

"I won't, if you happen to come by the city, give us a call" I let go of him, and Cat gives him a wink before going inside, she hooked up with Miguel, and even so she won't give up on Austin. Whatever works for her.

The flight is just as uneventful as the last one, but there's something, I don't know if it's the Zolof, or the fact that I came clean about all of shitty things that happened before and during Christmas with my friends; But I do know that there's a huge weight off my back, and that I'll ignore the stupid clock on back of my mind that ticks louder by the minute, reminding me of the four months that are about to come, and try to think of them as the best four months.

Oh crap, I'm nostalgic for right now.

"Oh they're having sale on the duty free! 50% off on all books!" Cat yells, running the opposite way from the arrivals gate. As always, Robbie goes after her.

"Beck! Tori!" I spot his Mom on with a small sign and the biggest smile on her face, rushing to Beck and pulling him into a hug as soon as we leave the line. "It's really nice to officially meet you" she says, and pulls me into a hug too. "Your father couldn't come, but that fine, tell me, how was the trip?"

I leave Beck to do most of the talking, he seems to get really well with his Mom. They have the same sense of humor, even talk alike which is a little weird, but I guess having any kind of connection with your parents would seem weird to me. A week, I was gone for a week and no one called me, not even a text to ask if I was ok or if we made it fine to Chattanooga. In these seven days the closest I came to talking to my family was Robbie, telling me about Trina's call, that was it.

"There you go Tori, do you want me to carry your bags?" she stops the car in front of my house, and my Dad's car is parked up front with the trunk opened, full of boxes...what the...

"No it's fine, thank you Miss Oliver" ignoring what I just said, Beck rushes out of the carry to carry my bag. I kiss him goodbye, it'll be weird not spending twenty four hours of the day with him, but in the end I can always sneak out and sleep at his RV. Can you call it sneak out if you parents don't mind you're out past your curfew?

I open the door, and..."What's going on?!"

"Tori, you're home!"

* * *

A/N: Hello everyone! They're back at LA! Back to school and with a new twist! I hope you liked this one, I've been having a pretty tight schedule so I couldn't upload a bigger chapter :/ But I think this is better than nothing! **Please, please, please review!**


	21. New Life

Beck's POV

"she seemed like a nice girl" My Mom says, as I hop in the front seat "although she didn't talk much..."

"She was just nervous about coming home" she turns down the volume of the radio, that's a the same, terrible station that only plays the worst ballads.

"She should be, I've heard her parents are getting a divorce"

"what?! Where did you hear that?!" that's pretty much impossible, Tor always told me about the every weekend getaways and dinner nights alone. They have a lot of problems, but I don't think they have them with each other.

"My friend, Jolene, works with her father and told me he walked in on her with another men" I get my phone, and text her asking if everything's alright, I can't believe this.

"Mom you have to drive me ba..."

"No, no way, she needs to talk to her parents alone, and you have to talk to your Dad" I roll my eyes at the mention of the guy, I know he's my Dad, and I still love him, but I can't be in the same room with him, not yet. Tori was basically dead, and he didn't want me to go see her, just thinking about it makes me want to yell. What did he have in mind?

"Mom I.."

"I know you're mad, I had a long conversation with him about everything that happened and I think you two should talk" I turn off the radio station, and she looks pissed, turning it back on "don't be stubborn, I know you hated him for not wanting you to see Tori, but..."

"She was basically dead Mom, and he wouldn't let me see her" I turn off the radio again, and I guess she just gets tired of trying, and settles down my the silence. "I know his my father, but..."

"No, you're right, he's your father and he just wants what's best for you, so you're gonna come home and listen, final word" She parks at the driveway, and I attempt to go straight to my RV but she grabs my arm pulling me inside the house. Damn, I'm really not up to a fight today.

"We're hoome!" She yells, and my Dad turns off the TV, right in the middle of a hockey game...fuck, he's mad.

"Hello honey" He gives my Mom a kiss, and she goes straight to the kitchen, leaving the both of us alone. "So, I was watching the game, and it crossed my mind" I roll my eyes for the hundredth time today, and sit down at the chair a chair all the way across the living room, waiting for him to start yelling. I don't know why he does it, yelling doesn't really get to me, it only makes me madder. If he could just sit down and talk like a rational person... "How the hell do you go off to freaking Tennessee without my permission?!"

I sight, and put my backpack down as he starts to get red "Mom let me go"

"Real nice big boy, you know your Mother is a romantic!" He breathes in, and brings his hands up to his forehead "I know I said that rule...roof...thing but you're still underage! And I'm still your father!" He goes on and on, and I stop listening after he starts talking about responsibility and all that, so I'm just sitting here, smelling the great food my Mom's making for lunch. "Are you even listening to me?!"

"Will you stop yelling? Really, I can't listen if you're yelling"

"Stop with the attitude!" There he goes, screaming again.

"You're yelling again!"

He sits down in the couch nearest to me, and I'm glad to see he's clearly trying to calm himself down "I know you were upset that I didn't want you to go back..."

"If Mom tried to kill herself and Grandma told you not to see her, would you listen?"

"Don't compare a twenty year marriage with this girl you've been seeing for a month" I sit back and look straight at the ground, I suppose it's not the same, but that's not nearly a good explanation. "Beck, you have to understand, Tori is not your responsibility. I know you love her, and it's fine, but you can't drop everything to go be with her"

"I didn't left Grandma's to hang out! I left because she cut her wrists Dad! Looked in the mirror and decided living wasn't worth it! It wasn't like she called so we could go to the movies!" I run my fingers through my hair, and lower my voice, I didn't tell him to stop screaming for to start "Do you think it's fun for me? To see her self destroying every single day? It's not, but I can't help it, you said it yourself I love her"

"I know I just...I worry about you son, you shouldn't have to deal with these things" He gets up, and I do the same, picking up my backpack "Just talk to me alright, don't let it get to your head"

"I won't" He pulls me in to a hug, and there's really nothing else to say, I think we agreed to disagree on what's best for me.

* * *

Tori's POV

"Tori, you're home!" My Mom is holding a new lamb, white and pink with mirrors on the bottom. Is she...yeah, I'm pretty sure she has extensions on her hair and...is she wearing the dress I wore for Trina's Birthweek last year? "What do you think about my new look?"

"You look like...me?" A thirty year older version of me, but still, weird.

"Oh that's what I was going for!" she runs in my direction, and takes out the newest Pearphone JX, quickly snapping a picture of together before I can even react "Now, when Trina goes away you'll still have a sister at home! I know how you two were close"

"we were?" She laughs, way too much for my completely real question, where on earth was I close to Trina? Mom's actually freaking me out a little bit right now "Where are all of Dad's stuff?"

"oh...that..." she nods her head, and opens a freakishly wide smile "Oh, look at the time! You have a shrink's appointment today, c'mon I'll drive you"

"What?! Since when?" I don't want to go to this stupid appointment, why does she even care?

"Since I had a talk with Lane about, you know" she points at my wrists, and I cross my arms hiding them, it's ridiculous how she can't even say it. And why did she talk to Lane about it?! "and he and doctor Morey agreed it'd be best if Doctor Fowler cleared you first and..."

"Fine, let's get it over with" I walk straight out the door and into her car, it's best that I go soon, arrive on time and be as normal as I can, so I can get cleared out and go back to the main distraction of problems in my life, school. I love it, and this Doctor Fowler person can't that it away from me. She drives off. "Where were all of Dad's stuff?" I ask again, and again, that freakishly weird smile.

"Well, your father and I...we're getting a divorce" WHAT? "You see, sweetheart he walked in on me with...Gary..."

"You've got to be kidding" Perfect, just what I needed "If you're the one who cheated, why is he the one moving out?!"

"I bought the house, I'm staying, and so are you Trina, a daughter can't simply live without her mother" Right, I bet I'd be doing so much better if she hadn't been always so self centered...it's like she's an older version of Trina.

"Fuck Mom, why did you have to do this now?"

She stops the car, and looks at me with confused eyes, and a weird frown "We're here, just look for number sixty eight" she says, and I get out without another word. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! It's not enough to have a suicidal daughter now we're also the family with divorced parents... I can't stand it, why didn't she cheat on Dad another time? Or just DIDN'T CHEAT. "Oh, you're Dad is picking you up!" she yells, great, at least he'll tell me where he's living, and maybe I'll move in with him instead of being stuck with my Mom.

I walk in the woman's office, and she tries to greet me but I run for her encounter, going straight to her office and spotting a couch. I lie down on it, throwing my purse on the floor "Ok, I'm ready, fix me, please" Just like that, I burst into tears, it's the first time I do it in front of anyone besides Beck, and I can't seem to be able to stop. It's too much, I need a break, things go wrong and they keep going wrong and it's one bomb after another! How could they do this? How could my Mom cheat on my Dad?! Worse, how could she do it and get caught?! I need a stable family life, I can't have them fighting all the time and the best parent being the one to move out! At least my Dad tells me he loves me sometimes, and is not trying to act LIKE HE'S MY FUCKING SISTER! My god, why is everything going wrong again? Is it LA? It has to be La, because things were just find back in Tennessee.

I sit up and cover my face, trying to control myself but I can't, I can't do it unless I cut. "Here you go" I look up, and she hands me a glass of water, I grab it and take a sip, before the hiccups start and I put the glass down on the table at the corner. Great way to introduce yourself Tori, the woman will never let you go back to school now. I cross my legs and stay silent, looking at her for the first time since I got here. She's tall, blonde and really pretty. The perfect figure for a model, only a bit older, must be in her late thirties which I like, I'd hate for her to be too old, old people don't get how hard it is to grow up in my generation.

"Sorry" I breathe out, wiping my eyes, and she keeps silent "It's just...everything is happening and...I need to go back to school..."

"Why did you come here today?" Her office is weirdly matches her looks, it's clean, what you'd imagine someone in. With white couches and peach beige walls, with paintings all over them and a vase with fresh flowers. I feel like a black hole of energy in here.

"What do you mean?" I tuck my hair behind my ears and look dead straight at her. "Look, you have to clear me out for school, I..."

"I most likely will clear you, don't worry" She crosses her legs and picks up a cardboard from the table next to her, so cliché, the shrink with her cardboard and apparently perfect office. "Let's just talk, ok? How's your school?"

She doesn't smile too much thought, like Doctor Morey, I already like her better "I love my school, I go to Hollywood Arts and it's pretty amazing"

"Hollywood Arts? Amazing school, what's your talent?"

"I do a little bit of everything, but what I like the most is singing" Ok, I stopped crying I'm talking without breaking my voice, if I keep this up for the rest of the session she might let me go back.

"And do you do write your own songs?"

"My friend usually writes them, but Beck and...My boyfriend and I wrote one for a project and I'm pretty sure we're gonna get an A"

"Beck, is that your boyfriend?" I nod, and take another sip of water "How long you two have been dating?"

"A month or so" I don't really know, I don't remember the exact date and it doesn't really matter because that's only time. "Our teacher had us do a song together, it's weird ever since I got in to school this teacher had him and I doing scenes together and plays and all that, and it took us three years to actually talk to each other"

Sikowitz, I bet he always knew what he was getting us into "How is yours and Beck's relat..."

"Stop" I cut her off, she's not even worth asking that question I am not ready to talk about it, I already came in crying I don't want to go out the same way "I can't talk about him, not yet, I don't know you well enough. And he's not the source of the problem ok? I know this small talk thing you're doing is a way to make me talk about the real problem, and he's not it." He might be part of the problem now, and it's not even him per say, it's college, and again, I'm not going to think about that right now.

"What happened today?" she puts the cardboard down, and pours herself some water. I prefer it that way, when we're just talking. "You came in crying, what happened?"

"Everything happened" I look down at the floor, she cut right to chase, that's what I wanted "After I...did, hum, I..." I can't say out loud either, unless I'm panicking I can't say it, this is so pathetic. I roll up my sleeves and show her my wrists, she doesn't seem to be surprised. The cardboard, obviously, she must have my chart "My friends and I we traveled for Winter Break, we just go back today and I get home and...My Mom was dressed in my clothes, saying something about being my sister and in the car she told me my Dad and her a getting a divorce"

"Which bothered you the most? The divorce of the fact that she was dressed like you?"

_'The fact that I'm going to have to live with her and be with my sister when she's back from college'_ I think, but I don't say it out loud. I am not this person, and I don't even know Doctor Fowler's first name! How can I tell her everything about my life, if I don't know if she's a Jenna or Julia?! I scratch my hand, and I keep scratching it in a way that she can't notice. I can feel the tears again, but I don't want to cry, I've had enough of it "I just need you to teach me how to stop"

"Stop what?" I shut my eyes, and there they go, stupid tears rolling down my stupid face.

"This!" I point at my puffy eyes, with my scared wrists "Why can't I take things like normal people?!"

"Everyone has their own way of coping, some are more self destructive than others but I'm going to help you change alright?"

"What's your name?" She opens a small smile, as if I had taken this huge step only I don't know what it is, I just want to get basic information on her.

Turns out, she knew what I was trying to do. I guess it's what ever client must do, but I'm glad I got what I wanted from it, Her name is Anna, she's thirty three and grew up in Arizona. I guess she can make a lot more money being a therapist in California, with all the drug abuse, marriage counseling and depressed teenagers.

"Do you know what my Mom said, at the hospital?" I cross my legs and look at the window, that whole day is a blur, but if there's one thing I'll never forget is that one liner before she head out to a Christmas party "Stay Safe. Not one single I love You, or a hug, just stay safe" I get up and start to pace around the room, it's not like there's much time left of this session "She talks to me, like nothing happened! Ignoring the big elephant on the room!"

"Try to talk to her, just sit down and make her listen to you" She gets up too, and hands me a not "Just hand this to your school counselor, and you'll be clear to attend school"

"Thank you" she leads me to the waiting room I run across when I first came in, and opens the door pushing the elevator button.

"I'm expecting to see you at Thursday, same hour?" I nod, and get in the elevator with a weird feeling. I've never confronted my Mom, she's right about that, I've always thought it'd be kind of pointless, picking up a fight for nothing... I probably won't do anything about it, but if my doctors think talking to Anna is going to make me stop having breakdowns over a broken nail, I will.

I get out the building, and spot my Dad waiting for me, he's dressed the same way he did before...that's a good sign. "Hey Dad"

"Tori, it's good to see you" he drives off, the backseat of the car is a mess all of his stuff are in there, and it smells like old junk food in here "And Holly told me you know" God, he's calling Mom Holly, that's so weird, it was always babe, or honey, never Holly.

"I did, I just don't get why she's getting the house"

"She bought it, with the money your Grandfather left her, I have no legal rights over it"

"Where are you going to live?" He parks at our driveway, and I stay in the car waiting for an answer.

"I don't make a lot of money, and LA is a really expensive city" He puts his hand on my shoulder and sights "The condo in Chattanooga, I bought it, and we already settled it's mine with the divorce lawyer, I'm going to get better salary, the condo will be..."

"wait, you're moving to Tennessee?"

"I'm sorry sweetie"

Oh give me fucking a break...

* * *

A/N: Hey guys! First of all, I hope you liked this chapter, not much happened but it was important to put it out there that the Vegas are getting a divorce, and Beck's chat with his Dad. I loved the outcome of reviews on the last chapter, I hope nothing changes. Secondly, I uploaded a **new One-Shot** called 'How It Should Have Happened' I'd love it for you guys to take a look!

**Please review!** Love you all,

- Kiribati


	22. Fuck

Tori's POV

Fuck. That's the most truthful, realistic, the best word. And due to the circumstances of my current life, I've decided I'm going to use any fucking opportunity that I can.

"I'm just saying I don't think LA is good for her right now!" My dad yells at my mom, from one end of the room.

"What are people going to think we they found out she ran off to Tennesse?!" she yells back, from the other end.

And I'm stuck in the fucking middle of it.

"Holly, you're not responsible eno-" he begins, raising his tone of voice.

"Don't start Dav-"

"She can't get home from school and find you in the couch with Gary!"

The keep at in, going on and on and what was supposed to be about whether or not I wanted to go to Tennessee or stay in LA turned into another stupid fight, about Gary and the divorce and all that shit. I get up, from the middle of the couch, and make my way upstairs to get my things.

Fuck, I have hear them from upstairs. I get my things and go back downstairs, they're still yelling at each other and pointing at the spot where I sited before, I don't think they realized I'm not there. "STOP!" I yell, and they both jump looking at me, confused. "Do you two even give a fuck about me or is this about the divorce?!"

"Honey..." they try apologize, but it doesn't cut, they can't always make everything about them.

"did you ever consider maybe, I don't know, asking me where I want to live?!" I storm off the apartment. I need to blow off some steam god, I can't keep getting myself into these situations with them! It's like I'm the parent and they're the kids.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I stop, and look at the empty streets "FUCK!". This is not working for me, saying fuck is in no way helping me let out my anger...so much for trying to quit the self destructive behavior. I need a distraction, and Beck's sleeping and I can't focus... I need to be around people. I grab my phone, and quickly dial the numbers.

_"Hey baby girl, what's up?" _

"Nothing really, do you feel like hanging out?" I keep walking, and go around the corner to Andre's house "I miss my best friend" I appeal, and I do, it feels like forever since we hung out, even thought we stayed at the same house in winter break I was always with Beck, and well... I didn't feel like hanging out with anyone else.

_"Sure baby, my Grandma is at a Bingo Weekend at Florida, no craziness for us today"_

"Ok, I'll be there In five" I go down the hill and in no time I'm at his door.

"Hello stranger" Andre opens the door and I give him a hug right before going inside. It feels like forever since I've been here, and it change a lot too. There isn't anything with sharp edges or too easy to break around the house, and everything seems to be baby proofed, I guess it's crazy-elderly-proofed. He gets his key and unlocks the door to the basement. When I first came to his house I jealous of his room, it's huge, even bigger than Beck's RV and he has his own small kitchen, bathroom even a living room space all to himself, sort of like a loft. And now I get it, he needs to have the 'normal' house stuff down here to keep them away from his Grandma. "Do you want something to drink?"

"I'm good" I sit down at the couch, and he opens up a bag of peanuts.

"So, what brings you to my home? Is Beck dead or something?" He laughs at his own joke. "No, but really, what are you doing here?"

"I just felt like hanging out, is that a crime?" I lie down at the couch, and stare at the ceiling that has Vinyl's glued all over it, I tried counting them once, stopped after seventy three.

"Is cool" He eats a handful of peanuts, and sits down in his bed "did your college letters arrive yet?"

"oh god college..." I rolls my eyes and sit up, I don't to talk or think about it. But it seems as if that was the only thing people want to talk these days! I get it, we're seniors, it's coming, so we should enjoy the last semester instead of spending time talking and waiting for what's going to come inevitably! "Don't worry, I know for a fact you're getting in"

"Both of us...maybe Robbie"

"Can you imagine Rex and Robbie at a campus?" just thinking about it makes me burst into laughter, maybe hell find another person with a puppet too, it's a huge campus.

"Do you mind if I roll a blunt?"

"Please do" Yes, that's exactly what I need to relax.

_"Well it's a struggle – everyday we're stressing,  
but what's a life without dedication?  
I'm trying to pick up the souls intention  
to soak in music relaxation_

We're feeling good, we're feeling alright yeah  
We're feeling good, we're feeling alright yeah"

"I think every chip should have its own salsa sauce" I open another bag, and dip inside the good sauce. Good thing about weed... when you're on it, it doesn't let you worry about ruining your... vocal strings...or is it chords? "a piano has chords or strings?"

"I don't know..." he gets up and runs over to the piano in the corner of the room "It has teeth's, black and white ones!"

I get up too, and spin around with my chips, they taste SO good. I wish I had an endless supply of chips, that'd be the real good thing. He moves off the piano and sits down on the sofa, turning the TV on, and I sit beside him.

"Hey Tori" I shake my hand, and look at him. I think the effect is staring to pass...it's a shame.

"what is it Harris?"

"why didn't you tell me about...you know" he tilts his head at my wrists, and I sight, I don't know what's worse, talking about college or myself.

"Why didn't you tell me your Grandma needed all this special care?" He looks down, and I cross my leg, changing the TV channels "she's not in a bingo weekend is she?"

"Alzheimer's trial, the doctor's will call me after she's out of surgery" He turns off the TV, and turns up the music

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's..."

"You don't need to explain, I get it, just try and make it through"

"through what?" he's about to speak when his phone rings, and he runs to it picking it up, and going upstairs. I put my shoes on, I should be going to home, I have school tomorrow and I haven't slept at all in a day.

"I gotta run, my Grandma woke up and I have to be with her" I grab my purse, and I make my way upstairs with him, getting in his car and he makes a turn up the hill stopping at my house.

"Thanks for the ride" I get out and stop at the window before he goes off "hey, what you said before, make it through... what?"

"life" he goes off, and I make my way inside the house, and I'm actually surprised to find my parents in the same position they were before. Screaming.

"Tori!" My Dad exclaims "Good, come here" he holds my hand "tell your Mom how much you love the condo in Chattanooga" I let go of him, and pass them both going upstairs. The screaming starts again after my Mom accuses him of scaring me away.

I get in the shower to get rid of the smell of weed, that my parents didn't notice. Between my Mom and my Dad, I'd rather live with him, because in the rare moments that my Mom does notice me she criticizes, my Dad on the other hand wouldn't notice me if I had a watermelon around my neck. But there is no way in hell I'm moving to Tennessee in my last months with Beck.

I put on the first shirt I can find, and turn on my laptop, calling him for a video chat. "Hey" I turn on the camera, and notice his RV is a complete mess, and he's been in there only for a few hours, I don't know how he does it. "How was your day?"

He shrugs, and rubs his eyes, I can tell he slept all day long while I was getting high at Andre's...crap I can't fall back into my freshmen year routine "yours?" I shrug, and brush my hair. "what's with all the screaming?"

"My lovely parents are getting a divorce" he doesn't look surprised, and I don't know if it is because he's Beck, or because he already knew...

"My Mom told me, her friend works with your Dad" So everything is out in the open, amazing. "are you alright?"

I shrug again, because that's how I feel about the whole thing, whatever, I don't care if they're married or not. I just want them to stop screaming. I hear someone knocking on the door, and tell whoever is out there to wait. "Oh, fuck, I have to go..."

"Good luck, I love you"

"love you more" I shut the Laptop and open the door, just to realize the screaming has stopped.

"Your father just left" My Mom says, walking in, and pointing at my nightstand "when did you get that lamp?"

I look behind, and she sits on the corner of my bed "Sophomore year...two years ago"

"it's pretty" I turn on the TV to cut off the silence, and she looks around sighting every three seconds. Just like Trina does whenever she wants to talk.

"what's up?"

"I'm glad you asked!" She gets up and runs out the room, coming back after a few seconds "I got you this" she hands me an envelope, and let's a little squeak out when I finally take of the card from inside "it's a credit card! It has no limit so you can buy anything you want!" She pulls me in for a hug, and gets up standing by the door "also, I have a date tonight, I might not be home for breakfast"

"sure, have fun" she claps her hands and walks out banging my door.

Beck's POV

"Good Morning" She runs towards me, jumping into a hug, and I hold her so she won't fall

"I know it's only been a day but I've missed you" I press my lips against hers, and she puts her feet back on the ground

"It's weird not having you wake me up every morning" She slap me in the arm and I chuckle at her reaction

"I never woke you up! I'm very sneaky" I wrap my arms around her waist, and she rests her hands on my chest, I do miss waking up with her, and sleeping with her, just never being apart, and mostly, not hearing shit about her from my dad. "I'm so sneaky, I could fix your entire RV and you wouldn't even know I got out of bed"

"Is that so?" She nods, and I tuck some of her hair behind her ear right before kissing her again, and I can feel her falling week on my knees and I love it.

"Morning Tori, Beck, what a great surprise..." She pulls away, and I turn to find her mother, in pants that are way to tight for her, walking home with was it looks like the biggest hangover of all time. She tries to quickly fix herself, and stops in front of us. "aren't you two cute?"

"How was Gary?" Tori asks, resting her head under my chin, and I stroke her hair, it can't be easy to see her Mom like this...specially in those pants...

"Fine...did you get the credit card?" she doesn't answer, and Ms. Vega stumbles on her own feet "Well just remember it doesn't have a limit, and that Zara just released a new clothing line"

She turns around and slowly starts to make her way back "Bye Ms. Vega"

"No, not Vega, Jones! Much prettier" She shuts the door, and Tor rolls her eyes.

"Jones?"

"Her single name... Did you see her pants?!" I can't help but laugh at how absurd this whole thing is "Why are you laughing?!"

"...the...pants..." I keep laughing, and I really don't know why but I can't stop. I must have done something right because she's laughing too.

"God this is awful, my Mom is a worst copy of Trina!" she says, right before laughing even more "I'm so screwed..."

I kiss her forehead, and open the car door for her "let's go to school, and try to get the image of those pants out of our heads"

"and maybe never mention them again" she says, and I drive off.

Tori's POV

I make my way to Lane's office, and knock on the door right before going in. "Lane?"

"Hello! Tori, take a seat" He sits down in his cage chair "please, take some lotion" he points at a basket filled with small samples, and I choose the one that has 'Pepperoni Pizza' labeled on it.

"I just came by to hand you the note from my shrink" I hand it to him, and he hands it in a board behind his desk, along with hundreds of other notes.

"Thank you" he holds the door for me "and please, feel free to talk to me about anything, I'm your counselor, I'm here for you"

"Thanks Lane" I walk out, and rush to Sikowitz since I'm already late. I get in the classroom, and all the head turn around staring me.

"Tori! It's really good to have you back" I sit down besides Beck, and the second Sikowitz turns around to write on the board, whispering starts, and the staring doesn't stop.

They know, everyone knows.

* * *

A/N: The song is 'Feeling Alright' by Rebelution.

Hey guys! I hope you liked this one, **please review**, I'm glad most of you are still liking it. This is honestly my major source of happiness! Love each and everyone of you, hope you're all having good days,

- Kiribati


	23. Rumor Has It

Tori's POV

_"I've heard she did it so he wouldn't break up with her" _

_"I heard she did it, because she's pregnant" _

I walk past another group of girls staring me, and rush inside the bathroom, locking myself into a stall. We didn't even had lunch time yet, and the day has already been hell. People are doing exactly what I was afraid they'd do, pointing, staring and spreading the worse rumors.

How did they find out? It couldn't have been Trina... It's one thing to call my friends, thinking they'd already know but, the whole school? She wouldn't dare to do that, basically ruin my life... as if it wasn't already ruined before.

"Did you see Tori Vega today?" I stop breathing hearing my name again, do they even know I'm here?

"I did, she's in my vocals class" I don't recognize they're voices, who's in my vocals class...

"I had drama with her delicious boyfriend, Beck..."

"...I know right, he's so hot" they both sight, and it's just pathetic. And I still don't know who those girls are, or why they're wasting they're time talking about Beck and I "I mean, he's dating the most messed up girl in school"

"He must dig the crazy ones" they laugh, and they're amusement at my cost actually burns. How the hell do they know?! "I heard she took all this pills, and he jerked off watching her die" ok this is for a fact, the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

"That's a total lie Makayla" at least one of them is a total dumbass "what really happened is that she didn't get the lead in this play, and she went full on crazy so she took all of her Mom's anti-depressants"

I hear the door opening and another person comes in, there's no one I'm going out there again. I'm never leaving this stall... How can people come up with these things, and believe them?

"Tori Vega, who would've thought the shining star of the school is a real fuck up"

I dig my face into my palms trying to not make a sound, but it's almost impossible to keep quiet when you're sobbing and shaking like I am.

"You two ass faces, out!" Jade yells, where did she come from? I can hear Makayla and the other girl complaining and the door bursts open "YOU CAN USE THE BATHROOM WHEN YOU STOP BEING SO DUMB!" she yells, and I don't know why but it just makes me cry even more. "what is this annoying sound?!" I cover up my mouth with my hands, and sit down on the shut toilet taking my feet off the ground, the last thing I want is for Jade to walk in on me while I'm having a panic attack, this day is bad enough. "Vega?"

"Just pretend I'm not here" I stop hearing her footsteps for a second, I think she's going...OH GOD "Jade!" She kicked the door to the stall open, grabbed my arms and pulled me outside. "Leave me alone!" I cry and she slaps my face, what the actual fuck.

"Pull yourself together!" she yells, still holding on to my arms "You can cry, you can do whatever you want but not in school when those girls are saying the creepiest shit about you!" she lets me go, and I take a few steps back leaning against the wall "and not the good kind of creepy"

"Sorry I have depression!" I yell at her, I can't just pull myself together, it's not like I'm bummed out for Christ's sake!

"I'm not saying you have to be happy, damn it Vega!" She rolls her eyes, and leans on the sink "You are a decent actress, you can fake, I don't care if you cry and yell and do whatever you want at home but in school, you act and you let those girls know you're better than them, it won't take you too much effort to do so"

"I don't think I can convince them with puffy eyes and with my mascara all over my face" she takes out some scissors from her pocket and sits down on the counter cutting up all the paper towels she can find "Do you have make up with you, I could fix it"

"I'm not going to give you my make up" she puts the scissors down and grabs her phone "but I know who will" I can hear the noise the Pearphone makes when the message has been sent, and she goes back to cutting up the paper.

"Mom?!" Robbie bursts into the bathroom, and when he sees that it's just me and jade he puts his hand over his chest, trying to catch his breath "Jade! Why did you say my Mom was here to talk to Helen?!"

"Give me your make up"

He frowns, resting his hands on his hips "Make up? I don't have ma-"

"Just give it to me!" he takes out all of the things he has in his pocket...he really does carry make up around. "C'mon Vega!" I walk up to her and she proceeds to wipe out my make up and apply Robbie's. Jade acts all tough, but we all know in the end she does have a soft spot. And she's right, I just need to get in to character, Tori Vega, happy and not screwed up. Even if it means to die inside, when I'm not around those assholes. "Robbie out!"

"My make up!" she grunts and he runs off, leaving it all behind. I put all of his things in my purse, I'll give it back to him later.

"Now, you" what does she mean? "GO!" I walk out of the bathroom without looking behind, that's the effect her screaming makes. For a second there I almost forgot my every move was being watched, just so that people can pick up something weird I do, and create even worse rumors. Amazing.

_"Rumor has it, she slit her wrists__"_ I hear someone saying, and stop behind a wall. Oh my god, how...

"_That's so not true, she's an actress! She wouldn't be dumb enough to do something that might leave a scar"_ Act, Tori, just act, they're not talking about you...they're talking about that other girl that also happened to slit her wrists...

_"right, because the only dumb part of trying to kill herself was the scar?"_

_"urgh, we all know she didn't actually wanted to end her life, she did to get attention from Beck Oliver, it's obvious" _

I can't be here right now this is more that I thought it'd be...God I have to go home "Tori!" I bump in to Sikowitz, and he takes off a sip of his coconut juice, I'm not in the mood for this "you're just the girl I was looking for"

"I am?"

"Yes! I'm directing this play called 'onions and oranges', it's about a girl, Orange, and she moves to the..."

"Sorry I can't do the play" I run from him, I don't want to answer his many 'why's' and stand there while her tries to convince me, and hear more of those girls talking about me. And I'm just about to drop the Tori Vega act and burst into tears.

I get out of school, and since I came with Beck I have to walk. Walk home, to my Mom... It'll only make things worse.

* * *

Beck's POV

I get out of my car and pick up the take out food. I get my keys, and get in my RV, that's completely dark, except for my Laptop on my bed, that reveals a curled up Tori on the corner, with her eyes locked on it. She didn't even make it through half of the day, if people are pointing and whispering to my face, saying the weirdest shit, I don't even want to think about what she heard. "I brought lunch"

"Consuela let me in. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy" I sit down by her side, not daring to turn on the lights. I know how she likes it dark, even if it makes it harder to find the food.

"do you want to talk about it?" I put the food on the bed, and she takes a fry.

"It is so addictive, I've already watched half the first season" she grabs one of the sandwiches I brought, and starts to unwrap the package without breaking away from the screen. She's avoiding the problem in front of me, but her eyes give her up. Unfortunately I've seen them like that lots of times before, and I can tell she's devastated. Just when I thought things were starting to look up, why can't she get a break? "Oh no, Richard was having an affair with Elis?!"

"Tor..."

"Meredith saw them, Beck this is bad" she glances at me quickly, to see if I'm going to try and make her talk. I won't, if she needs time I'll give her time.

"Who's Meredith?" I ask, to get her talking, and she begins to explain everything from the show. It's the opposite of what I like, but the setting of the show is really familiar "where's the show set?"

"Seattle" that's right! "Have you ever been?"

"a thousand times, it's like two hours away from Vancou..." she sights, fuck I just mentioned the one thing I wasn't supposed to. Way to go Beck "So, Meredith is Richard's daughter?"

she nods, and leans her head on my shoulder "No, Meredith is Eli's..."

I shut the Laptop, one season and two episodes later, I think I know more about Meredith's life than my own. She lies down and throws the food packages on the corner, and I follow, taking her hand and staring at the ceiling. "Sikowitz asked me to audition today"

"are you?"

"I can't" she sits up, and rest her hand on my chest, looking down at me. Now that the Laptop lights are off, I can't even see her face "I can't perform in front of all those people, not now that they know"

"I guess that saying that they always say, that the truth will free you, isn't always true"

She lies back down, and I lay on my side, touching her nose with mine "we don't even know who 'they' is, they had to be wrong at some point" I put my arm over her, resting my hand on the back of her neck "I just wish it wasn't this time"

We both sit up as the lights turn on, and my father walks in "Oh my bad! the lights were out so I thought..."

"It's fine Mr. Oliver" she says, rubbing her eyes and opening up a smile, that even thought it's I know it's fake, it's beautiful "I should be heading home anyways" she pops out of bed, and my Dad goes over to my fridge, I don't really know why.

"Let me drive you home" I say, opening the door for her, and she heads out.

"Beck, wait" I look behind, and my Dad is eating my leftovers "I want you back home before midnight"

"since when?" he puts the plate down, he acts like he's my younger brother, as if his goal was to try and get in my nerves.

"since I am your father, it's a school night, and I don't like that girl or that girl's family" I breathe in, not lose my temper, and look straight at him before banging the door shut.

* * *

Tori's POV

He stays silent the whole drive, there's something wrong. And for one I don't think it has to do with me "Talk to me" he parks at my drive way, and keeps staring at the window. "I know something's up, spill"

"It's no big deal"

"if it's no big deal you shouldn't have trouble telling me about it" he looks at me and runs his fingers through his hair... I love it when he does that.

"My Dad is weird about us" I had that one coming, the guy never looks at me, only at my wrists. Even before the Christmas, that one day we met, I always got a bad vibe from him "but I don't care about what he thinks so don't worry, he can't do anything about it"

"It's cool" I sit back, plus 'suicidal' is not what a Dad wants in his son's girlfriend "if I was your Dad I wouldn't like me too"

"It's not that..." I interrupt him, giving him a kiss.

"It's fine, honest" he brings his hand to my face and pulls me towards him, and he kisses me briefly "I have to go"

"I love you" I kiss him again, and get out of the car, stopping at my front door.

"I love you more" I go inside, and my Mom claps her hands and squeaks seeing me.

"Hi honey! I'm so glad you're home early" she puts on her heels, and walks over to me with a small box "open it!"

I unwrap the thing, wow... "Those are really big diamonds" the earrings are made from three of four diamonds I don't feel like counting, and they're pretty heavy. I know I'll never wear them, but at least these might be good to get Trina to do something I want for them, like maybe never moving in to the same city as I live again.

"I knew you'd love them" she gives me a kiss on the cheek "I have a date, but you can order anything you want" I nod and she walks to the door as I make my way to the kitchen "Oh, damn!" I look, back to see she's walking towards me, what now? "Hey baby, do you have a condom?"

"a what?!" She did not just ask me for that... Please tell me she was trying to say kingdom, not condom.

"Help out a friend here, I know you have one" I stand there in shock, she is actually saying these words "You don't expect me to believe you're not having sex with that hot boyfriend of yours? C'mon sweetie you're responsible, you must have at least a pack of them with you"

"You're not my friend, you're my Mom!" I say, and she rolls her eyes "I'm going to go to my room, watch the third season of Grey's Anatomy, and pretend you never asked me for a condom ok?" I tap her in the shoulder, and leave the earrings in the counter. "Have a nice evening"

I go upstairs before she can even think of another thing to say. To bad my Dad's the one who's moving to Chattanooga, it'd be much better to live with him.

* * *

A/N: Hello everyone! I hope you liked this one, please leave a review! Love all of you,

- Kiribati


	24. Stand Up

Beck's POV

"I don't want to go" I open the car door for her, and kiss her forehead before she gets in. It's weird because before Tori, for me kissing wasn't really worth it unless I knew I was going to get much further. I don't know why but kissing in malls and parks seemed kind of pointless. Meanwhile with Tori, I could just kiss her all over, all the time.

"This is going to be quick, and you probably won't feel anything" I get in my side, and drive off "stitches don't hurt as much as people think"

"No, I'm not worried about that" she turns on the radio, and rolls up her sleeves "I know a few stitches can't hurt, specially when I have to go to school afterwards" She taps her fingers on the windows and sings a long with the song with her eyes closed, like she does almost every morning. And yet it always amazes me, how much she gets in the song and looks peaceful, even if it's just for a few seconds.

I get in the hospital parking lot, and give my car to the valet to get in with her. "Name?"

"Tori Vega, I have a scheduled appointment to get my stitches taken off" she points towards the way we have to go, and we wait by the elevator to get to the third floor. There's a ding and the doors open "I feel like I'm on a doctor's TV show"

"that's because you're addicted to Grey's Anatomy" I've learned a lot more about medicine than I've ever wanted to know. I lean against the wall in the corner, and she puts her arm around me "But I do weirdly love the smell of hospitals"

"we could hang out in here all day instead of going to school" The door opens and we get out, right before this two doctors yelling something about guy in a bed having a bad...thing...in his brain, or something like that and having to go to Neurology urgently. Yeah Grey's Anatomy in real life, not so much. "Or maybe in a place where I don't have to see patients having internal bleeding in the brain"

"So that's what was happening?"

"Didn't you get that from Grey's Anatomy, it always happens on the show" We sit down on the waiting room, there aren't a lot of people here so it shouldn't take long.

"Have you considered going to medical school?" she nods her head with the most adorable smile, when a doctor calls her name

. We follow him to a big room with several bed and patients but most of them are minor injuries I guess because there's no screaming or blood in sight.

"So, what do we have here?" A small doctor with red hair and a nose ring opens a chart "Alright, let me take a look at those stitches" Tori sits down in a bed, and takes off her jacket so the doctor can see. "You seemed to have healed well on this one, but I'm going to have to leave them a bit longer on the left one" She nods, and the doctor start to take out the ones on the right.

"You were right it barely hurt" she said, as we got in my car "but my wrist feels weird" she says, getting in the car "I feel like something's missing"

"I bet the stitches miss you too, thinking about all the good times you had together" she laughs, and gives me a slight punch in the arm, and rests her hand in my shoulder. Only now I'm really beginning to see how nervous she is about going to school. She doesn't sing the whole way, doesn't speak or looks around, just stays with her shaky hand on my shoulder, and I really wish I could punch all those idiots who made her feel like this.

"Oh, fuck, we're here already?" I park the car, unbuckle my seatbelt, but she doesn't do a thing, she's frozen. I get out, and open the car door for her taking her seatbelt off, nothing. "I can't move, I physically can't move you should take me back to the hospital"

"C'mon Tor" I offer her my hand, and she continues immobile "you don't come out willingly, I'm gonna have to get you out myself" she finally reacts by looking at me.

"You wouldn't..." I put one hand under her knees and the other on the car, lifting her up and getting her out, she's lighter than most my winter coats, really easy to carry. I lock the car and put her down "Dude!" she punches me again, and I barely feel it.

"You are really cute when you're mad" She leans against the car, and I kiss her right before the bell rings, and she tries to open the door but fails, giving up and going to school with me.

* * *

Tori's POV

Yesterday was hell, and I have a feeling that today is going to be just as bad. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have gotten that note from the shrink, if she hadn't given me the note, I wouldn't have gone to school, and I wouldn't have seen all the gossip about me.

I look down at my wrists inside the stall, they look really pink and it's going to be impossible to hide it with make up. And it's ugly too, it looks like I have a deformed worm on each wrist, I really am probably going to wear long sleeves until this disappears... if it ever disappears...

_"...She looks too happy today, do you she on something?" _

_"Maybe it's coke, I would expect anything from that one..." _

I go past the group of girls and shake off the words from my head, if I distract myself with something I might be able to stop thinking about it for a while "I have special effects class today, I hate special effects" Andre plays the key to his locker and gets his 3D glasses for the short film their going to show in our next class, History of Cinema. "Urgh, I shouldn't have gotten out of bed today"

"If you hadn't gotten out of bed..." He stops and tries to think of something good about my day, but comes up with nothing. We stay silent for a few seconds, when this weird looking dude shows up from nowhere flower bombs Jade. "you wouldn't have seen that" we both laugh, until Jade gives us the 'death stare' and threaten us with a hammer.

"Fine it was a little bit worth it" He taps my back, as we make out way to our next period.

_"It's like she's a time bomb" _

I breath in, hearing yet another comment about my being and look around to see two girls giggling looking at me. I've had enough. "JUST STOP!" Everyone in the hall goes quiet, turning their heads to me. The bell rings, and people get out of their classes, copying what everyone who was already in the hall, and staying silent staring at me. Some people have their phones recording, others have terrified looks on their faces and some look like they're just waiting for the show. I can't back out now. "If you want to know what happened to me over winter break JUST ASK! Stop spreading rumors that don't even make sense!" I look at the crowd, and they all stay still, even the teachers are waiting to see where I'm going with this "What do u expect by pointing and filming me now?! Do you want me to show you what really happened, fine!" I roll up my sleeves and wave my arms in the air, fuck it, it won't make a difference to show them anyways. "How about that? Are you guys happy now? Tori Vega slit her wrists BIG FUCKING DEAL!" I roll them down, and notice some of the several people filming disappeared "Does anybody have any questions or can we all move on and mind our own lives?"

They start to talk, it starts with a few people, but the voices grow and grow and before I know it Helen's telling everyone to shut up, go back to their classes and finally the hallways clear up. Andre and Beck try to stay with me, but Helen forbids them and tells me to go inside her office. Didn't she like the show?

"Take a sit" Her office has a Jacuzzi and an Xbox, and a popcorn machine. There's a big glass table with two purple chairs in one side, and a big brown leather chair in the other. "It was really brave what you did out there"

I can still feel my hot blood pumping through my veins, and I feel a bit dizzy, I'm not used to telling two hundred people I'm a suicidal mess, and it can really get to you. I rest my forehead on my hands, and just breathe until I can see straight again, and breath somewhat calmly. "Thank you"

"Look honey if you want, I can give you a pass to skip the rest of the day"

I nod, and get up, it's almost time for lunch and if I don't eat anything I'm going to pass out. And if I cut the rest of the day, all those people that pointed and laughed will win. "No thanks, I'm fine I just have to eat something" she opens the door for me, and I go straight to the patio asking Festus for a turkey sandwich.

I sit down alone, and start to eat, trying to finish before everyone comes out. If someone tries to yell at me or, worst case scenario, make fun of, I don't want to have food on my mouth and be unable to answer. I take a sip of my soda and my phone rings.

_From: Beck O. _

_Do you want me to take you home? _

I put the food down, and the bell rings before I get a chance to answer, and he's the first one to come out. I'm easy to spot, and he sits beside me, putting his arm around my shoulder and I rest my head on his chest "You were amazing out there"

I put the food down, and the bell rings before I get a chance to text him back, but he's the first one to come out. I'm easy to spot, and he sits beside me, putting his arm around my shoulder and I rest my head on his chest "You were amazing out there" he kisses my forehead, and it's real relieve that he's supporting me, who am I kidding, he's the only person I know will always be by my side.

Only not for long...

Andre and Cat join us, and people start to sit down in the other tables, I feel like half of the people who were looking at me before aren't anymore. Maybe confronting them was the best thing I could have done.

_"Did you see Tori Vega? She's so brave... I would never be able to stand up for myself like that" _

_"The girl is really strong..."_

* * *

A/N: It's a really short chapter, I know guys! I just didn't want to put more information in this one and begin another story line and new drama and all that all in the same chapter! But I only have exams next month so it shouldn't take me long to update Please, review I loved all of your comments on the last chap, and yes Holly Veg-oops, Jones! Could get the award for worst Mom of the year :) Love,

- Kiribati


	25. Tick Tock

Tori's POV

He kisses my chin and my neck, and I kiss his hands, and his mouth and it's dark and it's as great as it as always is. I'm so glad I didn't wait too long to have sex... I'm starting to think those few days were a waste of time already... He runs his hand on my leg and lifts my thigh and I arch my back being unable to do anything but, god, this...is... so... good. I dig my nails on his back to keep me from screaming.

He rolls us over so I'm on top, and I rest my arms on his chest_ "Let's go again?_" I say, and he crashes his lips against mine again. When someone bangs at the door.

"Tori, open the door for a second!" I roll my eyes, and he sights.

"She has the perfect timing doesn't she?" he says, and I give him a brief kiss before sitting up.

"Give me your shirt" I whisper, mostly by habit because I'm pretty sure my Mom knows I'm not alone in here. I get the shirt from his hand, and go over to the door, leaving it half opened so she can't see inside.

"Hey baby..." She looks at me, and frowns. Today she's wearing a sequined green dress cut out in her mid tight, it's quite disturbing. "Is Beck in there with you?"

I try to hide the smile on my face, but fail miserably on it. "No, why do you ask?" I rest my head on the door, and she tries to look inside, but I block her.

"Well I just didn't know you had an oversized AC/DC shirt, I thought you didn't like that band" Impressive, she knows I'm not a fan of that band, she forgets the date of my birthday, but holds on to the fact that there might be a boy on my room. Which would make sense, IF SHE HADN'T ASKED ME FOR A CONDOM.

"What is it?"

"This just got in the mail" she hands me a big envelope, oh my god "it's from UCLA"

I take it from her hand and shut the door, locking it. Some people might think that was rude, but it doesn't even take half a second for me to hear her heels clacking away. She knows I don't lie a band, but she's not interested weather I got into college or not.

I turn on the light on my nightstand, and sit down in front of Beck, staring at the envelope in my hands. I think this is the only time I'll be in front of him, only wearing his black boxers, and not have every fiber of my body waiting to jump his bones. "Ok, let's see" I rip the top off, and pull out the letter from inside of it. "It's with great pleasure that I... I got in" I wrap my arms around his neck, and he rests his hand on the back of my head. "I got in" I repeat, putting the letter aside and staring blankly at the wall, feeling the weight of the clock.

I think about the past, and feel it fading away with the weight of the future getting heavier by the minute. It makes it almost impossible to enjoy the present. I'll make it through this time, I tried to quit once and I failed, I just have to be aware that it'll only get worse. And that I'll need better distractions from now on.

I turn on the light on my nightstand, and even thought I can't see it, I know he's looking straight into my eyes. Trying to figure me out, but right now, I can't handle it. I push him back down on the bed, and trail kisses down his neck and chest... Good distractions...

* * *

_From: Andre Harris _

_To: Tori Vega _

_Spring Break party in my house at 9:00 PM! BRING YOUR OWN SHOES! _

I wipe out the tears from my eyes, and put the phone away. Today was the last day of classes, Beck had this audition so I'm alone. Spring break starts today, and most people will travel since it's senior year and we should use this time to hang out with our friends for the last time, Beck and I decided it was best to just stay in LA, since we would end up doing the same stuff we can do in my house or his RV. After that we have senior year's final semester, then graduation, then summer, then college.

And it'll all be over.

His acceptance letter arrived two weeks after mine, and like I figured, it's getting worse again. Even when I'm with him, I'm not the same. The only proof I have that the pills I'm taking work is that I have been officially one month clean of cutting, but that doesn't really seem to be helping with anything.

The clock in the back of my mind is ticking louder and louder by the minute. Every time he says he loves me, or when he holds my hand and kisses me with that half smile on his face. All I can think is that someday, I might not have that, and that I'll probably spend most of my future life without hearing his voice or kissing his neck or sing along with him in the car on our way to school. There's too much pain, everywhere, my room, his RV, school, even when we drive by the private garden... all I get is pain.

Just thinking about it got me started crying all over again.

I grab my phone to text Andre back, when it rings, it's Beck. I swallow the crying voice, and smile in front of the mirror. In a weird way, it makes pretending to be happy easier "Hey"

_"Are we going to Andre's party?"_ His voice is calm, and I could hear him talk all day long.

"Yeah, it should be fun"

_"What time do you want me to pick you up?"_ Someday, he might delete my number from his phone, and...and... oh god not again.

"I forgot to tell you, Cat wants to come by earlier and do weird Cat things so I'm gonna go with her, ok?"

_"Yeah, ok I'll meet you there at eleven?" _

"Eleven's great"

_"Alright, I love you" _

"I love you more"

I hang up, and dial Cat's number, I'm in the need of anything that can keep me from thinking like this again.

It's Sophie's Choice. I either give up college and the city where I'm most likely to land a job, to be loved like I am now, and be frustrated for not pursuing my career. Or choose college, and possible jobs, and losing him, forever. This is all I can think of, and I don't like it, not at all.

* * *

"Tori!" I get in the car, and Robbie waves hello before Cat starts to talk about how exited she is to go to Julliard, and that we need to celebrate Senior year's final semester. Why is everyone only talking about school?! "So, my brother gave me some good stuff" she opens her purse, and...oh no.

"Cat! Coke? Really?" I scream/whisper, and she waves the small bag in the air.

"It's been so long since the last time we did it, and you said you needed to relax, so..."

"So coke does the opposite effect, remember?" She puts the bag back inside her heart shaped purse, and jumps to the front seat, making Robbie pull over, freaking the fuck out.

"CAT!" he yells, taking his asthma medication "I told you not to do this when I'm driving! It frightens me!"

"...sorry..." He starts the car, and she jumps back to back seat.

"OHMYGOD!" he squeaks, god they're weird.

"Keep driving!" she yells back, and always, he does what he's told. "He also gave me that thing you used to love, and these pills, I don't know for sure what they do, but he said he sold lots of them"

She grabs a random bong from the floor and puts the 'thing I used to love' in it lighting it up. If you asked me to describe my junior year in one word, that word would be salvia. It felt so good, I was high all the time; until we had a health class and I learned about what any kind of smoke can do to your voice.

Of course back then, I didn't have suicidal thoughts back then, or had to choose between the love of my life or my career, and all the other shitty things in life. And plus, one night won't screw me up forever. I grab the bong and take a hit, blowing off the smoke very fast to take another one "and when we finish I have weed too, but Andre wants it, so I.."

"...Just stop talking Cat" the feeling is so good, and I feel like there are pretty unicorns surrounding us everywhere.

"Here!" Robbie parks the car, and takes the pretty magic bong from my hands, and me a bottle of something green. I don't really car what it is, as long as it's strong. "Jeez Tori! You practically smoked it all by yourself"

"Shut up Robbie!" I take a sip, and it's really tasty... Like strong elves.

"Why let's go!" Cat drags us both inside, and I don't know why but she puts this pill in my hand and my first instinct was to take it, so I did. But I don't feel any different yet. "C'mon Tori we found Andre" I jump in excitement following them downstairs to Andre's super cool room, and they're all laughing which makes me want to laugh too.

I throw the empty green bottle aside and take a hit from the thing they're passing on "This isn't strong enough!" I tell her, because I can still think about Beck, and I don't want to feel pain anymore. "Cat I need more!"

Beck's POV

I park in front of the garden, that unfortunately is still locked, and walk to Andre's house, I could hear the music from blocks away. I don't know how he does it to keep the police away, I just know that they never show up, and that is why he's always the one to throw parties.

I get to the front lawn, and it's all to familiar. The same scenery as that first party, my first Hollywood Arts party, I didn't even make it past the front door. "BECK!"

Tori comes running in my direction, stumbling down and falling on top of this couple making out on the floor. And I get an awful feeling that history will repeat itself. "oh my good..." I pull her up, and her knee is bleeding, how ironic. "are you ok?"

"I'M AWESOME!" she's completely hyper, red puffy eyes and dilated pupils, also a really strong alcohol breath. This is not good.

"what did you take?" I ask, trying to make some sense out of her but it's pointless.

"Apples are falling out of your butt!" I roll my eyes, and hold her by her shoulders. "LET'S GO BACK!"

She tries to run inside, but has no strength to do so "Tori, listen to me, what did you take?"

"There were all those foods to smoke" she laughs, throwing her head back and almost falling down again, but I catch her. I try to lead her to the car, but just like before, she fights me.

"c'mon" I pick her up, and she starts slapping by back claiming that there are purple midgets in the tree telling the best jokes. What happened? Last time she acted like this was when I found out about her cutting! What could be as bad as that for her?

"Hey B-Beck" I shut her door after buckling her seatbelt "I think it'll be hard to drive with that elephant on the backseat...that tea was really good wasn't it?" I drive off, and as soon as we stop at a sign she crosses her arms, furrowing her eyebrows "I don't want to go to your RV, it hurts too much"

"What, why?" I glance at her, but turn my head back as soon as the light turns green "Do you want me to take you home?" I take a turn, and stop at yet another sign "Tor?" I look at... oh my god "TORI!"

* * *

A/N: Pretty please leave a review! It's really important to me guys, and I hate to beg :( Love,

- Kiribati


	26. Love

_Beck's POV_  
She starts to move on the bed and I make my way out of the RV to get her clothes. I left them drying in the sun after I washed them, since they were covered in puke. Her shirt and pants are dry, not her jacket thought, she can put them on later.

I go back inside and get the 'how to cure a hangover' kit I made overnight, since I couldn't get any sleep because I felt the weird need to check her every half hour to make sure she wasn't dead or vomiting again. But even if I hadn't I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anyways, what a great way to start spring break.  
I don't know what Cat gave her, but I'm sure it was a lot more than weed. That's the thing, she wants to smoke I don't mid smoke, just don't go crazy and use everything you can, and kill yourself in the process. "my...head..." she's till lying down, and I know she must be feeling a lot worse than the last time.

"Here" I hand her a bottle of water and an aspirin "you have to drink all of it, you're dehydrated" she sits up, and looks at me before taking the pill to see if I'm mad, and as rare as it is, I am. All I can think about is her passing out in the car, and my several failed attempts on waking her up until I opened the cold shower on her head, and having her throwing up all of that toxic shit for hours. You know the situation is bad when you're glad someone's puking on your shoes.

"thanks" she holds on to the bottle and stars at me, waiting for me to say something, but I'm not doing that to her, not right now at least. I'll wait until she doesn't have a massive hangover. "Can you take me home?"

"to your Mom?" Now I really need to understand what's going on here. When did she prefer to be with he Mother over me?

"She's..." she brings her hands up to her forehead, and shuts her eyes "she's going to Mexico for the break, please"

"Yeah, sure" I go outside and get her things, but she decides to wear her jeans and one of my hoodies, and we head to the car. The ride is silent because, even thought she took the aspirin she must still have a headache and just basically feel awful. Every time someone honks near us she squints and crawls into her seat with her hands on her ears, hate to say it, but that's what you get when you loose control. How can she keep doing it? Because I find it that the experience is not worth the hangover.

I park the car or her garage, and get out, quickly opening the door for her. She walks to the door slowly, almost like an elder and hands me the key so I can open it. "Baby what happened to you?" Her mother is definitely someone I'm never going to forget, unfortunately. She's wearing a gold bikini with a really tight skirt, I'm seeing a lot more than I wanted to.

"Weren't you supposed to be in Mexico?"

"There was a problem with the flight, so I decide to cancel it all and spend it with you!" She turns the radio on and this weird music in Spanish start to play "Margaritas anyone?"  
I look at the drinks on the table, and just now realize she has a whole Mexican décor going on "Urgh, no" Tori dryly answers, and he Mom turns down the volume of the music "I'm not going to hang out with you, book the ticket" She takes my hand and leads me towards the stairs.  
"Stop right there Tori" I look back at her Mother, and thankfully she threw a Hawaiian shirt on, does she know that people don't wear that in Mexico? "Beck, sweetheart, will you go upstairs for a moment. I need to talk to my daughter" I try to do as she says, but Tori grabs my arm and doesn't let me. Her Mom looks at me, then at Tori and her face starts to get really red. "Fine! Tori honey you've been acting pretty reckless, what's going on?! Even today, you look like you've been sleeping in the streets with that weird hobo from around the corner" I guess when it comes in handy, her mother does notice her "And plus, you're always really rude to me"  
"Maybe that's because you act like a freaky cougar all the time"  
"You have to respect me! I am your Mother!" She screams, and Tori brings her hands up to her ears. I really wish I wasn't here right now, I hate to get stuck in the middle of other people's fights.  
"Funny, you never seem to act like one"  
"Well don't expect to go around and give you that amount of money every month if I'm not going to get anything back!" She walks closer to the steps, with her hands on her hips "You never want to go shopping, or do your nails with me! You know Trina is even going to change her name to Trina Jones! You won't even give me a smile!"  
Tori let's go of me, and gets her purse, opening her wallet and taking out the credit card "Fine!". She throws it at her Mom, that looks it total shock. "Maybe you should think a little more about the reasons why I tried to take my own life instead of trying to buy my happiness, I'M NOT TRINA!"  
She walks upstairs, and her Mom sits down in the couch staring at the wall, with her hands on her mouth. And I'm standing here awkwardly. "I should..." He Mom looks at me, and before she says anything I follow Tori inside her room.  
I lock the door, he water is running and the TV is on with an episode of 'Grey's Anatomy' on pause, she still hasn't gotten over the show. I take my shoes off and sit down in her bed, I'm so tired I could sleep for hours. I'll just take a nap while she's on the shower.

_Tori's POV_

"Nineteen dollars and ninety nine cents" I pay the delivery guy, with Beck's money of course since I no longer have my credit card and am officially poor. I could sell those diamonds earrings she got me...

I go back upstairs, with the hope that he'll wake up in a good mood since I have pizza. I can't deal with him being mad at me right now, even though he should be, I vomited all over his stuff... I was pretty dumb, but I had the worst hangover in return so I guess my own body punished me. I barely remember anything from last night, I know we smoked a lot of stuff and that he gave me a really weird but kind of good drink, and after that it's just a blur. I feel like I should be in the sequel for the next 'The Hangover' movie.

"Food?!" He shoots his eyes open, and I put the pizza in the bed, beside him. He's been asleep for thirteen hours and it only takes two seconds near food to wake him up. "Ah yes, you are wonderful" I open the box and he gets a slice, eating half a slice in just on bite. "Are you feeling better?"  
"Yeah" I put the crust at the box and wipes my hands, I'm still a bit nauseous, I don't if I should eat a second one.

"I almost had a heart attack last night Tor" I look down, because I can't stand his sad eyes. He's worried about me, he always is. I don't know if that should make me feel good, but it doesn't. "You can't do that to yourself...again"

"I'm sorry, I was trapped" He puts the slice down and wipes his hands, and I still can't find the courage to look at his face.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Don't say it Tori, you don't want to start that right now.

"I...I..." Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck "I couldn't stop thinking, and I needed a distraction and... college is one semester away Beck... I can't stop thinking..."

"How many times do I have to say it Tor, nothing's going to change when we go to college, you don't need to worry"

"But that's all I do! I worry about the future! That we might stop talking everyday! That we might never go looking for houses together and choose our kids names! And that in my sixtieth birthday you might not be by my side! I worry that someday, you might find a girl that doesn't cut herself, and doesn't drinks too much and that your father likes!"

I start to cry, drawn out of all the shitty emotions I'd been keeping away. He puts both his hands on my face, and I'm forced to look at his eyes, that look really bad. Because I look bad. "You have to understand this, there will never be another one like you, I want you, I love you! Yes you used to cut, and you need those pills to be happier, but that's temporary and there's nothing I want more in the world that be with you to see you not need them anymore, fuck, even if you do need them forever, I don't care. But if there's one thing I can't stand is when you doubt my feelings for you Tori, I love you"  
I kiss him, and it's a wet kiss because I'm still crying. And soon enough we forget all about the pizza.

_Wouldn't it be nice if we were older _  
_Then we wouldn't have to wait so long _  
_And wouldn't it be nice to live together _  
_In the kind of world where we belong _

"What would you name your kids?" I ask him, boys don't usually think about theses stuff, but then again, Beck isn't your average teenage boy. "I never wanted to have actual kids, I would just like to name them, and see what they'd look like"

I rest by head back on his chest, and feel his fingers running on my forehead and hair line, and I do the same on the palm of his hand "I'm not crazy about the idea of having kids either, I guess that's the kind of thing you want when you're married and bored" I sit up, and wrap my arms around his neck and shoulders, resting my head on his. "But I don't it'll ever get boring between us"

"And if it does I'll make sure to name our kid something really weird, so we can always be amused by it, like turtle"

"You want to name our child turtle?" He starts try and fix his hair that's all over his face, and I push it back with my own hands. I love his hair. "So the school principal would call us and say something like 'your Son Turtle is in hot waters, I want to have a talk with you!'" We laugh at the thought, and he cups my cheek, and just stays like that, I love it. I love him so much.

"That's the thing, he wouldn't be in the principal's office, because honestly, what kind of person can be a mad a boy named Turtle?"

"So that's settled, if we ever have kids, his name will be turtle" I kiss him, and go back to laying down since I'm still not a hundred percent hangover free. I don't know if I'll ever be, how can you cure a hangover if you're so full of the present, afraid of the future, and caught up on the past.

* * *

I take a deep breath and a sip of water, trying to decide whether I should talk about it or not. But I think it's time, I have the first day of my final semester in high school tomorrow, and if I don't do it I might explode from all the contained thoughts. "How was your break?" She asks me, and I rest my back on the couch, crossing my legs.

"Uneventful, I basically laid in bed and watched Grey's Anatomy with Beck, that stuff is really addictive" Tori, you're starting to run away from the actual issue. I'm not going to self sabotage again. "I think we weren't apart for more than two or three hours"

"It's really impressive how you two get along" she wants me to talk about him, she always does because, well, that's the one subject I always run from. We've talked about sex, drugs even about me almost overdosing a few days ago, but I always keep the details about my worries involving him to a minimum .. It can get too personal, and sometimes it hurts, a lot.

"We love each other like crazy" I sight, we really do. "Are you in love Anna?" She opens an involuntary smile, which is beautiful. How for some people love is just right there, at the right time with all the right things.  
"I am"  
"So you know that, if the person you love is sad, you'll be sad too, right?" She knows where I'm going with it, and I can see she's stuck, because even a freaking psychologist doesn't have an answer to my problems "Now, you understand why I'm constantly freaking out over us? And how selfish I am?"

* * *

A/N: _The song was 'Wouldn't it be Nice' by 'The Beach Boys'_  
Hello everyone! I hope you liked this one,** please review** I loved all of your reviews on the last chapter!

Fun Fact: If any of you watched Iron Man three, the scene where there's a beauty pageant going on it's Chattanooga haha just thought yall should know!

Love all of you,

- Kiribati

- Kiribati


	27. Graduation

**Graduation**

Beck's POV

Helen called us on her office on the first day of school, and ever since we've been rehearsing every day for the big show before we actually graduate. I didn't want to be a part of it, since the show was supposed to be about school spirit and all that shit. But apparently, Tori and I were a big part of our class, even if it was just for seven months, and they really wanted us to perform our song, so here we are.

I think it's good that Tori is not only going to sing with me, but will song another four of five songs, which is really good because she's been pretty miserable this past few days and I know that the only thing that can cheer her up is performing. The way she looks on stage is breath taking, they shouldn't make her sing before everyone else, only as the closing act, because after she goes up no one will be better. Maybe I just think that because even if Paul McCartney was performing I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off her.

"I'm nervous... " She walks around at backstage, and I put my guitar down and take her hand pulling her to a chair with me. People are walking around like crazy, setting things up for Cat and Robbie to open up the show, but it is kind of cool, all of the different groups are here, the special effect kids are setting up all these cool things for the show, Andre and his band are doing the sickest things and all that, and the yearbook is going to be amazing to look at in the future. There are a couple of pictures of Tori and I, we didn't even know they were going to put that in there, but I liked them, it basically sums up the only really good thing that came out of my first eighteen years of life. Tori.

"Don't be, you know you're gonna be amazing up there" I kiss her, I love kissing her, and she tries to smile but she can't. She's too scared to do so, she's been scared of doing almost everything lately. We have a whole summer together and all she can think of is the time we're gonna be apart, even if it's just for two or three weeks. I thought that by now, after seven months of being just as in love as we were on the first two weeks, she wouldn't be so worried anymore, that way I wouldn't worry too. But that seems to be impossible in our lives.

"It's all over now, no more easy 'I'll see you in school' life for us" I run my fingers through her way hair and kiss her forehead.

"What are you saying? Easy life starts the minute this stupid ceremony ends" She smiles, I can tell it's forced but at least she's trying. It's not like I'm happily waiting for me to go to Canada and her staying in LA, but I know nothing will happen, she just needs to build up her confidence a bit, and trust me.

* * *

Tori's POV

Jade and Andre go up the stage to sing a song they wrote together way back in sophomore year, and I look at Beck, sitting down with worried eyes next to me. We go next, to present our untitled song from Sikowitz's project in front of the whole school, and yet, I'm not nervous about that, not at all. I'm nervous that it'll go too fast, and that in a blink of an eye I'll be receiving my diploma. I take his hand and put my legs over his lap, he cups my cheek and kisses me.

I kiss him back, than he kisses me again, but it's not with passion or the urge to find a room as soon as possible. This felt like a goodbye kiss, like we didn't want to break it because we know he'll move to another country, and our lives will begin and we won't be able to kiss like this again. But I don't want him to feel like that, not yet. I'm suffering enough for both of us.

"I want you to think about this when we're apart" he wraps his arms around me, and I press my forehead against his "Just because we're not in the same place, doesn't mean we are not together" I kiss him again "I love you Tor" and he kisses me, until Sinjin pokes my arm saying it's time for us to go up there.

The band joins us this time, and Beck doesn't sing, just plays the guitar and glances at me occasionally. I spend the whole song looking at him, but it doesn't feel the same way, in front of this crowd and with all of these people playing other instrument arrangements... It doesn't feel like it's our song. Everything about today feels wrong, and I know why it does I just... I don't think I was ready to admit it until now.

He goes down the stage, and I stay to sing the last song with Cat and Andre. I wished I could just quit it, and be with Beck, but they already started playing and I can't get off now. I'm going to have to do it all the hard way.

_"Here's to never winning first place  
Here's to crying on your birthday  
Here's to all the bad first dates  
Here's to every single heartbreak  
Here's to raining on your own parade  
Here's to showing up anyway  
Here's to us  
Here's to us" _

They all applaude, some of the students are crying, others are hugging each other and I can't cope, I'm just doing what I memorized. I finish the song, go back to my place, Helen starts to talk, but I don't understand the words she's saying, and before I know I'm holding my diploma and throwing my hat in the air and lost in the middle of a crow of happy, cheery students. I can't seem to find Beck anywhere, and even if I do...school's over. I can't put off the inevitable anymore, summer's here and he's going to Vancouver, 1078.65 miles away from UCLA. There's nothing else I can do... I have to cut the cord.

"Tor!" I look behind me, and Beck takes my hand "Where have you been?" I free my hand from his, and he takes a step forward...I can't do this anymore, if I keep seeing him it'll just be harder. I hold his arm, pulling him back to me and crash my lips onto his, being pushed by the crowd pressing against him even more, he runs his hand to my back pulling me closer and closer. His smell, his hair, his hands and his mouth, him. As long as I see him I know I won't be strong enough to go, it has got be now.

"...I love you" I whisper in his ear, and he smiles, I love that smile... I love him so much, and he's always so down when he's with me. I'm so selfish... I shouldn't put my needs over his, drag him down just because I'm all fucked up. I briefly kiss him again, and run the opposite way, spotting my Mom and dragging her to the car to go home. I might feel dead from now on, but at least he'll get a chance on doing anything without sucking all all of my shit. Yeah... Think about him Tori, you had to do it some time... For once you're only going down alone.

* * *

**Chatanooga**

_"Kiss me hard before you go_  
_Summertime sadness_  
_I just wanted you to know_  
_That, baby, you're the best_

_I've got that summertime, summertime sadness_  
_S-s-summertime, summertime sadness_  
_Got that summertime, summertime sadness_  
_Oh, oh, oh"_

"Now ain't it a good thing to see you here again!" Austin is leaning against his car, with dark jeans and a red pleaded shirt, with a smile as big as Texas. In an ordinary day I'd be glad to see that smile, the happiness he radiates, not today though. Today I want rain, and heavy, devastating, Kurt Cobain, type of music.

"Thank you for picking me up" He rushes over to me and picks up my suitcase, putting it in the trunk.

"This kinda feel like old times don't it?" No, it doesn't not even a shadow of it. I'm not amazed, swoon off my feet by Austin, I don't want to spend my summer with him, and I don't want to be in Chattanooga. I just want... I can't suffer anymore, I have to forget about Beck, I have to forget about what I'm living behind, I need a rebound. And what's better than a sexy, blond, country boy to do that?

"Kind of..." He opens the car door for me. Beck pops into my mind, he turns around to get to his side, I picture Beck's truck, everything is Beck, and it's torture. I shut the door and turn on the radio, I don't recognize the song, I just know I don't like it, Beck had great taste in music.

"I thought you were spending summer at LA, getting cast in some big play or somenthin" I can't stand his voice, his corny way of speaking and his annoying little smile. Everything about Austin is annoying to me right now. I look over to him, and I can tell he's about to say something before even turning the engine on, so I tell him I'm really sleepy, and pretend to be asleep all the way to our condo.

He picks up my luggage, and I great Earl "Miss Vega, what a pleasure to see you again" we shake hands, and Austin waits for me at the elevator door "You're so much taller than the last time I saw you!"

"I'm wearing heels today" he looks down and shrugs with an easy smile. We go up, and stop at the hall in front of our doors.

"Thanks for picking me up, maybe we could do something later?"

"I'll be home all day today, all you gotta do is knock" He gets in his apartment, and my Dad opens the door pulling me in for a hug.

"Tori!" I get in, and take a look at the place, my Dad got rid of all the furniture, changed the color of the walls...even changed the fridge. He got rid of my Mom's décor basically, and now this place looks like a big mane cave. He has a pool table, brown leather couches and a big screen TV with Hockey on it, they're focusing on a player called 'Moose', funny name. "I was really surprised when you called me yesterday, I thought you wanted to spend the summer with B-"

"we broke up" I tell him, before he says his name out loud. I don't want to hear it, I want to end this summer without even knowing who's name that is "I'm fine, don't worry Dad" I give him a kiss on the cheek, and go inside the hall, and into the guestroom.

I think coming here wasn't such a good idea after all. The bed is the same as the one I slept in with Beck, where he sang to me...where I felt dead and alive at the same day... I miss him so much. How am I supposed to forget everything that happened between us? "Dad, I'm going out with Austin"

He makes an 'ok' sign, and I go out the hall, knocking at his door, and he opens up in a matter of seconds, shirtless. "Why He-" I cut him off pressing my lips against his, and he stops backing away, damn it. "Hold on!" I pull away, still holding either sides of his face "Whoa, what about the hipster boy?"

Thank god he didn't say his name. "We're not together anymore" I push him inside his house, and shut the door behind me, taking a step closer to him "what are you going to do about it?"

* * *

**A/N**: Hi guys, I did a big jump in the future, they've graduated and yeah... She ran away from the bumpy road and chose the '''''''''easy'''''''''' way. **Please review, I love reading what y'all have to say, I look forward to them!**  
Oh, I'd also like to say that this fanfic is coming close to an end :/ I'd say this chapter is definetely the beggining of the end of the fanfic. Love all of you,

- Kiribati


	28. Black Hole

**Tori**

_"I wanna be a virgin pure_  
_A 21st century whore_  
_I want back my virginity so I can feel infinity_

_I wanna drink until I ache_  
_I wanna make a big mistake_  
_I want blood, guts and angel cake"_

I zip up my jeans and slip on my heels, looking at his bedroom for the first time in years, I was too busy to notice anything before. Everything is very tidy, his shelf has photo frames of him and his friends, and there are only a few books, all of them are about Marine Biology. The floor is clean and his table is completely organized, there isn't anything out of place except for his clothes on the floor, and myself, I'm a mess. "Why are you gettin' dressed so quickly?" I feel his hands on my shoulders, and he kisses my neck, I tense up.

"I have to go" He sits down besides me with that smile that makes him want to punch him in the face, and takes my hand. Again, it's not the right size, and it feels weird. I feel weird. "My Dad wants me to have dinner with him" I let go and get up, and he jumps out of the bed in his boxers. If he knew me at all, he'd know I had just given him an awful excuse. We walk to the door silently, and he unlocks it for me; I feel his hands on my waste and he kisses my neck, but I break away stepping outside.

"How about we go out tomorrow, after my shift is over?" I nod, and he hugs me again. I feel dirty, I feel like a whore. "Torrey Vega..." he whispers, giving me a kiss on the cheek before I tell him I'm tired and that I really have to go, and ring the doorbell to my house. I have to get my keys again, standing here while I know he's watching me from his door is awful... and I can tell he's smiling...

My Dad yells, saying that the door's open, and I walk in, I look around, it hits me.

I just had sex with Austin. It was so bad, awkward and uncomfortable. I just had sex with a guy...and all I could think about was Beck. I kissed Beck this morning, I had sex with Austin this afternoon. I want to die."Tori what happened?!" I look up and realize I'm on the floor, and I'm crying nonstop...was I crying on the hall? "What's going on, did Austin do something to you?!"

I nod my head, and burry my face in my hands, sobbing like...like I had just lost the love of my life, and I had it coming, but it only hit me now, Austin isn't enough of a distraction, neither is Chattanooga. I could be all the way across the world in Australia, and it still wouldn't be far enough "I knew we were going to break up... I...miss...Beck" The worst part is that I was the one who came on to him, he asked me a thousand times if I really wanted it and I said yes... What the fuck is wrong with me?

He sits down next to me, and puts his arm over my shoulder "that's why you came here sweetie?" I try to say yes, but it comes out shaky and interrupted by hiccups. He kisses the top of my head, and I keep crying, because that's really the only thing I can do "That's why I came here too"

He stays like that until I say I'm tired, and that I want to go to bed. I pick up my bags and go inside the room that used to be mine and Trina's, but don't turn on the lights, laying down on the floor, curling up in a tiny ball, starting to sob again right when my phone rings. I turned it off for the flight, I must have hit a button while lying down here...or when I was taking my clothes off at Austin's place...

Ten missed calls, eight messages. My heart aches.

_From: Beck O._

_Your Mom told me everything I don't understand, please call me Tor._

_From: Beck O._

_Tori, I love you, please answer, we can work this out._

I ignore it, I have to be strong, even if it means to lie down on the floor and have one panic attack after the other.

_From: Beck O._

_Tor c'mon, there must be something I can do._

_From: Beck O._

_Please answer me, I'll go to freaking Tennessee and meet you there if I have to._

I get up, and look at my phone ringing, he's calling me again. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't I have met him in another time? Right love at the wrong time... High school is so fucked up, they give you everything, and forget to teach you that in the real world things don't work out that way.

_From: Beck O._

_Tori stop being so stubborn! Fuck, Tor, we're not over, we can't be over!_

I get up and walk around the room before reading the other messages... If I stay inside alone I'll die, I am not to be trusted, and I did not just give up on the love of my life to waste all the other things...even if I don't enjoy them...

_From: Beck O._

_Tori, please._

I dig my face into the pillow and try to scream, but my voice won't come out, I can't breathe, I can't feel anything except for my skin, itching and burning asking for a blade

_From: Beck O._

_In my life, I love you more._

I throw my cellphone out the window, and watch it crash on the ground. I walk back inside the living room, past the door and out the hall. Knocking on Austin's door, I have to tell him the truth, I already screwed up one boy, I don't want to lead another one on. No more boys, I need to shut down...no more emotions, I could call myself emotionless Tori. "Torrey, I was going to call you after dinner" he gives me a kiss on the cheek, it doesn't feel like the way Beck kissed me... "you seemed kind of bummed out when you left"

I shake my had off, and smile, I just have to pretend I'm in school. "We need to talk" he shuts the door, and I sit down at the couch. He sits next to me and I take a deep breath. Emotionless Tori, that way I wouldn't hurt anyone else, just myself. "I don't want to date you, we can hang out and all but... I'm not going to be your girlfriend, ever"

"I don't understand"

"I left...hipster boy in LA, came here to get over him before college" I still can't say his name without being in risk of losing control, I don't even think I should think about his name "and you were there, I used you for it"

"did it work?" he smiles shyly, and it doesn't annoy me this time, but it doesn't work for me either. I nod my head in denial and his smile turns into a disappointed expression that's new to me. I messed up again, why do I always let other people down?

"I have to go" I walk to the door, and I hear him calling mine name, I turn around.

"Just know that... I really like you"

_'Good, because I kind of really like you too'_ That's what Beck said on the day we went to Andre's barbecue... I think I could call that our first date. And after that we just made out and talked and it was amazing.

I left him behind, it was my choice and I'm not going to regret it now. It hurts too much. I look back at Austin, and leave without saying a word. As I stand in the hall I hear a 'bling' and the elevator door opens, and three girls in bikinis, laughing hysterically come out of it. They all stop looking at me, I get it I'm black hole in the middle of a summer vacation, and if I Tori from three years ago, I'd give myself the same look they're giving me.

"Excuse me please" one of them says, and I step aside giving them space to go past me. I go inside the elevator, and stand in front of the mirror. I'm crying and I didn't even notice it.

"Be strong Tori" I tell myself, but I now it probably won't work, it never does. There's another 'Bing', but I can't move. I'm stuck inside this elevator, and I either go outside and face the world being unable to stop crying. Or go back to my apartment and associate every inch of it with Beck, and cry even more. Maybe it's best if I stay in here, between the two options.

"Miss Vega? What's wrong?" I look at the blurry reflection to see Earl in the elevator door. I cross my arms, and try to swallow my tears but just like I imagined, I find it to be impossible. I turn around and try to speak but all that comes out is loud sobbing.

"I'm sorry I..." He holds my arms and leads me out of the elevator, and I have no strength to say no. He sits me down in his chair, and grabs another one sitting in front of me. I hate that he's seeing me like this, he's an old men, always smiling and he doesn't need a stupid teenager with a broken heart getting in the middle of his schedule.

"Let me tell you a story Miss Vega I was married for fifty four years" He sits back, and sights looking at the front gate "My wife's name was Daisy, she was the love of my life" He takes off his hat, and I find the courage to look at him, he looks different. Something about his eyes, it's like he's heartbroken too. "I met her when I was fourteen, we had our first dance when we were fifteen at a school Prom" He smiles, and I look at his hands, he has his finger over his wedding ring "We got married when we were twenty two and when we were twenty four a doctor told us we couldn't have children" I don't really know what to say, I don't even know why he's telling me all of this, but I feel like I should listen. "We had a bumpy road after that, she cried all the time, didn't want to leave her bed and..." he takes a deep breath, and looks at me, I don't know why this makes me cry even harder "She had a broken heart, and it took a long time but we managed to get through it, just when we had lost all of our hopes"

"You had kids?" Hiccups interrupt my phrase, but I think he got it.

"No, we learned we didn't need them to be happy and that, well, life goes on" He looks down at his hands, and I realize this is the first time I've actually talked to Earl. We've known each other for years but our relationship was strictly made from casual friendly greeting "She died two years ago, I was at the hospital and you know what her last words were? 'I'm sorry'" He nods his head, and wipes the sweat on his forehead with a pocket hankie "She left me a letter apologizing for what she made me go through with her, little did she know every second with her, even the ones she was crying locked up in the bathroom were worth it, because she was with me. Fifty four years of marriage, and she never stopped thinking everything was her fault... Ah, I'm sorry Miss Vega, I'm here rambling about my life and..."

"No, it's fine" I rub my eyes, but I can't stop crying. How can he seem to be so happy, even thought he lost the love of his life? "I'm sorry if I'm crying too much I'm... I have a broken heart too" I begin to sob again, and I know my story isn't as nearly as sad as his but I can't help myself. I think about Beck and...

I hug Earl, I really need a hug right now. "You know I loved Daisy with all my heart, but you shouldn't blame yourself for everything like she did" He taps my back and I pull away "You're a strong girl Miss Vega, you will find a way to make it through"

He gets up to open the door for another person, and I take the opportunity to leave thanking him for everything. I look at the remains of my cellphone in the middle of the street... If Beck calls I won't answer, and he might think I did something stupid like I did in Christmas. I never even said goodbye to him! I just left... I knew our last kiss was our last but he didn't, he just looked for me and I wasn't there...

I get in the first store I can find, just to realize it's the same party shop Austin and Beck went the day we lost Cat. I ask the manager to use the phone, and he must've notice I look like hell because he didn't even hesitate on saying yes.

"Hi?!" I choke at the sound of his voice "Tori is that you?!"

Be strong. "Don't speak, please just listen to me" I hear his heavy breathing, and my eyes fill up with tears but I'm not quitting right now, I can't be weak again "I love you, keep that in mind I love you more than I thought it was possible but..."

"...Tor-"

"I'm a disease, and I can't drag you down with me Beck, I love you too much for that. Forget about me, us everything just... Don't let yourself become what I am, you're too good for that. I love you Beck, I love you."

"Tori don't you dare-"

I hang up, thank the owner and run away before hearing the phone ring, again and again.

* * *

A/N: Hi guys, I'm going to try and post one chap a day because I have it all written out already,** please review!** The song was Teen Idle by Marina and the Diamonds.

- Kiribati


	29. Hate or Love?

**Beck **

I didn't think I'd ever feel like this. Like doing anything other than sleeping would make me suffer this much, even just the thought of it. I think I half died, I'm still here, physically, but now that she's gone... I don't know I just don't want to leave my RV ever again.

How could she? How could she leave me like this? I've been sending her messages and she won't answer, the cellphone doesn't even ring when I call and her father won't let me talk to her. I don't have enough money to buy a ticket to go to Tennessee on my own... I have no way of reaching her. I can't follow and fix things I... I don't know what to do. I...

I hate her. I hate her! Why the fuck did we date in the first place? Fuck, she was always so screwed up it starting to get into my head! When did I become the type of guy that loves girls? That gets attached? Screw attached, fuck love! I need hook ups, and girls that won't fucking leave. No, this won't happen again, I will never love another woman because it's just not worth it. You plan your future, you go through a shit tone of fuckery so that she can run away?

Seven months. Seven months of 'I love you's' and 'I can't imagine life without you' and 'they say this shit ant that shit' just so she can back out and leave me like a fucking idiot.

Fuck Tori Vega.

"Oh shit what died in here?" I turn my attention to the door, to see exactly what I needed.

"Moose?" He shuts the door, and turns on the light for the first time in a week, I still hate it. But that has to change, because Tori loved the dark, so I have to learn to hate the dark just as much as I hate Tori.

"Fuck man, go shower, pack your crap and let's get out of this country" He grabs one of the many suitcases I own, and throws it in my bed "Your Dad paid for the tickets, told me you were acting like a dickhead and, he was right. We're gonna get ourselves some good Canadian girls"

I grab some stuff, and my hair keeps falling on my face. I have to push it back all the time and it's getting pretty annoying. I have to get rid of all this hair, it's always on the away and it's not worth it. Plus, it's like a magnet for crazy girls, it always was, I can't deal with it anymore.

* * *

**Vancouver**

Moose and his current hook up get out of them room with a keg of beer, leaving just me and this random girl. I never bothered to learn her name, it's not like it's going to matter and plus, I'm so drunk I'm probably not even going to remember half of this by tomorrow.

"I can't believe you cut your hair" She pulls what's left of it and kisses my ear in way that I don't like, but considering she's sitting on my lap without her shirt on I don't really mind. I draw her face away from my ears and suck her neck leaving a giant hickey "You're still really hot though... Let's move to the bed" I pick her up, and put her on the bed when I her something falling. I glance at the floor, to see that's my cellphone with a photo opened of... "Aren't you into foreplay?" I let the girl go and pick up my phone. In the photo Tori's wearing the sound blockers I gave her, sleeping in my RV wearing one of my pleaded shirts. It was rare for me to see Tori sleeping, and she always looked so peaceful... so... so.. "what's wrong?" I sit down and stare at the screen, unable to speak. How did I think, even for a second, that I hated her? Why did I come here? I should've sold my ticket and have bought one to Chattanooga! I should've gone after her I... I... Fuck, I... "Is that your girlfriend? Don't worry I'm not jealous"

She tries to kiss me but I pull her away. How am I going to live without Tori? How she give up on us so easily? Why didn't I see this coming, I spent twenty four hours a day with her she must have given me some signs! I look down at the phone, the screen is all wet, my face is wet and my pants are wet. I'm half naked, I'm drunk and I'm weeping. I'm a dickhead.

But I just miss her so much. "Oh fuck, Sharon get out" I don't really understand what happens next. I just know that I can't stop crying, and that Moose is taking me somewhere, but I don't care where because the only place I want to be right now is Tennessee.

"You have to let me call her" I beg, slipping on something but he doesn't let me fall. "Without Tori I'm nothing but fluffy hair and emptiness... No, I cut my fluffy hair... I'm nothing. TORI!"

I start to get nauseous, and luckily we happen to be inside a house. And I can throw up in the sink "Tori threw up in my shoes once, but it's fine because after that we decided to name our child Turtle" I puke more and I hate puking, I hate being in Vancouver and I hate that Tori ran away. But I love her, so much "I'm so miserable"

"My lord, what's going on?"

"Grandma?! When did you join the..." I throw up, and it's a horrible sensation, but not as horrible as Tori leaving me, nothing will be as horrible as that. I sit down in a couch I didn't know was there, maybe if I stay crying long enough, I will be able to swim in a lake of my own tears.

"Moose you can go now" My grandma sits down next to me, and hands me a bucket that I throw up in. I think this bucket will be my best friends.

"when is it going to stop?" I cry, resting my head inside the bucket, that smells really bad but I'm to tired to care.

"The throwing up?"

"No grandma" Great, I'm crying again. I can tell because my face is sticky and wet, and sometimes, when I kissed Tori her face was sticky only that felt a lot better because I wasn't alone, but also, it felt a lot worse because the worst thing in the world is seeing Tori cry.

"So this is about Tori"

"Don't say her name!"

"Alright I'm sorry" she taps my shoulder, and I rest my back on the couch. I feel like I'm made of sad jelly. "You know drinking away your problems won't work"

"But I miss her so much" I rub my eyes, open up space to cry more "I think I'm going to die" She puts her arm around me, and I rest my head on her shoulder.

"I know you do baby, I know you do"

* * *

"Oh fuck" I sit up, and all I can feel is my head aching like a bitch. What the hell did I drink last night? And how could Tori do that repeatedly?

Tori...

I pick up my cellphone and try calling her again, it says it's occupied straight up. There has to be a way for me to reach her.

I get up, and realize I'm still dizzy as fuck, and remember the reasons why I stopped drinking this much with Moose. "I see you got up" My Grandma ties her shoelaces, and gets up standing by the door. "I locked all my pills away, because I think that hangover itself is the best anti-alcohol advertising"

"You couldn't be more right" I sit down on the floor, next to all of my luggage to get my laptop. She might not answer my calls, but she can't stay away from the internet.

"DO YOU WANT SOMETHING FROM THE STORE?!" She yells, and I'm pretty sure she's doing it on purpose. She can behave like such a kid sometimes. "NO? ALRIGHT!"

I open it and get my case, turning the computer on and getting up to shut all the blinds in this one day that it should rain the most, and have the darkest weather, the city wakes up in a sunny day.

I log on into the slap, and... She deleted her page?

I don't know what to think now. She did it, she managed to cut me off. I know she told me she thinks she's a disease, but she's wrong! She's the opposite of that, and if you love someone you stay with them! It can't end like this, she chose the easy way without even asking me what I wanted, fuck, I've never been mad at her but now... Now I just don't know what to feel.

I look at the notifications, and I have one new message from an anonymous profile, could it be...

_'We accept the love we think we deserve' _

Quote from the Perks of Being a Wallflower... It had to be Tori to send me that, why would anyone else do so? Should I think she set me free? Should I thank her for that or should I be angry? I was angry and I ended up drunk. Depressed didn't work either, I didn't leave my RV for a week. I'm stuck, I don't know what to do now that she's gone.

_The Slap: Beck Oliver _

_Relationship Status: Single_

* * *

A/N: Hello guys! Thanks for reviewing on the last chapter I really hope to get a good follow up on this one too! And dillydill11 I will virtually hug you too I think we all need that! Love you guys,

- Kiribati


	30. Life Goes On

A/N: Hello everyone! I felt like this chapter could be a potential sequel, it fits to be one perfectly but I decided to leave it in the fanfic anyways. Hope you enjoy!

**3 years, 6 months and 19 days later **

**Tori **

_"And I can tell just what you want  
You don't want to be alone  
You don't want to be alone  
And I can't say it's what you know  
But you've known it the whole time  
Yeah, you've known it the whole time"_

I take my keys off my pocket and get in the apartment, which is as silent as ever until I hear the annoying sound of my alarm. If it weren't for Andre, I would have thrown that thing away a long time ago, but no can't do, because it's at the exact time he needs to be awake, and if it stays in mine room not in his it has the perfect volume for him not to have a heart attack when it goes off. Sometimes I can really see the resemblance between him and his Grandma.

I put the breakfast I bought for us on the kitchen table and run to my room to turn it off, and to change into anything other than these clothes. I hear his footsteps slowly heading to the kitchen, the walls are so thin we can hear everything, most nights, more than I wish to hear. At least I know he's alone, and that I'm going to eat the extra muffin I bought for his girlfriend. I put on sweats, and grab the coffee on the right handing it to him "Peppermint white chocolate for you" He finishes pouring some cereal he made a jingle for, and takes the beverage. "Christmas season is full on speed"

I take a sip off my very traditional, non-Christmassy, black coffee. I don't have the urge to throw myself out of a window on Christmas anymore, but I'm still not exactly the biggest fan of it. "And I figure you spent the night at Johnny's" Oh, why can't he spare me the talk today? I thought the Christmas subject would avoid the Johnny one. I take another sip and ignore his commentary, sitting down in a plastic stool in front of the piano. After his Grandma died, in freshmen we decided to use all of our savings and rent this apartment, and buy a piano to work on, so with no money left, all the furniture we own is either something my Mom didn't want anymore or made out of plastic. Of course I could ask my Mom to give me back my allowance, but we all know how that goes, and it's a path I don't want to take. "And my best guess is that it wasn't a very good one"

"We broke up" I swallow thick air, and start to play the jingle Andre's singing, putting down my coffee on the plastic table, reminding myself of one of the perks of having plastic furniture, no coaster needed. "We fought again, but this time he decided to say he was always worried that I'd do something to myself like I used to, you know, the usual, so I broke up with him"

"Why don't you just lie about your scars Tori? Just tell them you had a really angry...Tasmanian Dog" He cuts a bagel in half and puts it in the six year old toaster I brought when we first moved in the apartment "they would never find out, and it'd make things much easier"

"If they can't deal with my past I don't want to have a relationship with them" I get up and finish the coffee, grabbing the two muffins I bought.

"I don't know why you do this to yourself, they all leave. I never understood why you left B..." I put the bag down and shoot him a confused look, why is he even bringing him up? He better than anyone else know what I had to do to get over the fact that no one is ever going to treat me like he did, and that I have to find someone less perfect and go with that. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to…"

"…it's fine, you can talk about him it's what? been three years?" I throw the muffins back in the bag, checking the time, I'm late for class. Great. "things don't work out the you plan them to, and I learned that a long time ago... Moving on, what time is your first class today?"

"Nine, do you need a ride?" I'm already thirty minutes late, I can skip this one and go with him.

"Yeah, thanks" I get in the shower and my mind wonders back to last night, and morning. Johnny is such an asshole, he was so mad just because I can't tell him I love him back! But c'mon, we've been together for less than two months! He could have just kept his mouth shut and waited for me to say it first! Damn he was a nice guy, why is it that nice guys always ruin everything by telling you they love you? And just like in the previous times I didn't say it back he started going on and on about how 'worried' he is that I'm going to do something stupid and he'll get blamed for it, and I wouldn't call that love, specially if he thinks I'm still the depressed seventeen year old I was back then, the girl he didn't even know! Asshole. He thinks he knows me well enough to talk about my past...

"C'mon Tori we're going to be late!" He yells, and I rush out of the room zipping my pants up and going barefoot, I'll just put the shoes in the car. We go down the three flights of stairs and get in the old Sedan he also got from his Grandma. She died right when freshmen year began, and even thought it said in her will that all of her possessions after she died were Andre's, they had so many debts with the hospital that all he had to sell everything to pass by it, leaving him enough money to lvie by for six months. That's why he started making jingles, it's not really music, but at least he's getting paid. I get in the backseat, and drink what's left of my cold coffee.

He stops the car, and a small blonde with her straight hair up to her waste in her cheerleading uniform comes running towards the car. He's so lucky, half through freshmen year, right before his Grandma died he got a low grade on a test, and who's his tutor? Mary Alice. They fall madly in love and the circumstances are just perfect, same college, same amount of years, the same everything. In addition, she is just the greatest girl. I think the only real fight they ever had was because he wanted to watch the Grammy awards, Mary Alice wanted to watch the British Academy Television Awards, and they were on at the same time, pretty serious if you ask me.

I'm just glad she is in for the cheerleading scholarship, that way she cannot live with us, the walls are too thin for that. "Morning Love bug" she gives him a Peck and turns around to face me "Tori!" Andre drives off, and she sits straight, opening the front mirror and re-applying her lipstick "I was thinking, my cousin just transferred here from Penn State, so maybe we could all go out to dinner tonight!"

Oh, and did I forget to mention she loves to play cupid? "Baby, I told you not to…" Andre murmurs to her, and they start to argue about me as If I wasn't even here.

"Guys its fine, really, but I can't go today remember? I have a plane to catch" He parks the car in front of the Arts building, and we get out, heading in the same direction "I told you last week, Christmas is at Trina's this year, and she's living in Seattle now"

Both he and Mary Alice stop, holding me back "Seattle, really?" he says, and I move to keep walking, making my way to the next class "are you sure you can handle being that close to... you know who"

I stop one last time and turn around to face them, they look awfully worried "Look, guys, I'm going to visit my Mom and my sister and her annoying little fiancée and that's it. When I tell you two that I'm fine, it's because I am."

"But what about the temptation?" she says, coming closer as Andre pulls down her annoyingly tight mini cheerleader skirt "You are going to be one train ride away from him, aren't you at least a bit curious to see how he's doing after all these years?"

I am, more than curious, but as we said it, three years is a long time and things change. He must have changed too. "That was high school ok! I'm over it, and if it weren't for you two I would even have remembered the fact that he lives in Vancouver so, for the last time, don't worry, I'm fine!"

Mary Alice puts her arm around mine, like she hooked me, and start to walk along "Well I hope you don't get mad when I say this, but I really didn't like Johnny"

"What? You were always so nice to him..."

"Tori, I'm a cheerleader, I can be nice to anyone" we get inside the science building, to get to the only class we share, psychology "but I just hated the whole sorority thing, guys in the Greek System are always so full of themselves"

We get inside class, maybe it was for the best that him and I broke up before things got too serious, for me of course. Him on the other hand kept saying her 'loved' me and how he'd only date a girl that wasn't from the Greek System if she was called Tori Vega...pa rt of me wished that there was another girl with the same name as mine...

"You're right, he was a bit of a bore"

"a bit? The only thing the guy could talk about was his Dad's company and his yachts and private jets and..." She goes on talking but I stop listening, just giving her the occasional nod and smile until the teacher comes. Johnny was bad, yes, but he was a distraction and a pretty damn good one, plus, he had a nice smile. "I liked number thirteen better"

"Number thirteen?"

"The one before Lewis and that guy with a beard"

"Ron? Why did you call him thirteen?"

"Andre and I didn't want to lose count" Did I really date that many guys? Thirteen... Impossible, there was Gabriel, Teddy, Dixon, Nick...the guy with the weird hat...Roy? Shit, I can't even remember their names.

I'm a whore?

I try to focus on my classes, but the two of them managed to get inside my head, and I know I won't properly focus until I remember all of the names of the guys I dated... So I skipped the three classes I had left, and did two extra shifts at the radio station, fifty extra bucks won't hurt, specially when I have to think abut the idiot who's going to going to take charge of it all while I'm away.

The radio station is my trophy, no one listened to it until the last guy in charge graduated, and they put me as the head of it. I started playing good things, actual music and with advertisement that interested the students. Of course, it's a part time job, and I never thought running a college radio station was going to be in my plans. I just know that whoever said it was easy being casted into a show or play once you had 'Hollywood Arts student' on your curriculum, was lying. At least my current job to do with music, and I get to play my own songs.

Now I have to leave, and go to my last distraction before the heart wrecking trip, and it's also the one I've looking forward to the most, my appointment with Anna, she'll figure out a way for me not to lose it...she always does.

* * *

"Not only I have to go to freaking Seattle, but also you know what I realized today?" she waits for me to keep talking, and I vibrate on the couch, I have too much energy right now "I dated so many guys, I can't even remember all their names! I referred to one of them as 'the guy with the pelican nose"

"You mean Max?" Max! That was his name... ok now I just have to figure out who 'that Italian actor guy that always asked 'how I was doing' is... "And you dating a lot of guys doesn't make you a whore"

"Dating a lot of guys doesn't, not remembering their names does" I thrown all my hair back and away from my face to give me more space "Why did I date so many guys?! Why didn't you warn me?! I mean, you could say_ 'hey Tori ya know, this is the twenty fourth guy that falls in love with you this month, you should take a break!_'"

"Why do you think they fall in love with you, but you never love them back?"

"Because it's not the real me! They think they love me, but they don't know me!" My hair is starting to fall back on my face, and it's really annoying "I can't be myself around them, they're all so...so..."

"so what?" she crosses her legs, and sits back.

"wrong! They're all so wrong for me." I get up and walk around for a while, sitting back down when I feel like I can think straight again "That's it, I'm one of those women right? That dates a million guys and becomes a frustrated cougar living in Pasadena and working on a local theater just to hook up with the students I cast...oh dear god, I'm am going to be just like my Mom, only worse!"

"Calm down, you're just thinking like that because or nervous about going to Seattle. You're fine..."

"I'm not fine!" I say for the tenth time, tapping my fingers on the edge of the couch "what if I see him, and he's madly in love with someone? Or he's like, married? I can't bare to see him! That's it, I'm not going to Trina's this year"

"Tori, we worked through this, you have been doing fine for three years without Beck; why do you think it would all change if you saw him?"

"I don't know…" I cross my legs and get my purse taking out the little ball she gave me to cope with anger, I usually channelize my feelings towards music, but when I'm not near a piano or I can't write, I just squeeze this little ball. The weird thing is that it actually works, if I don't use it for a long time. "It's just that, I managed to block him out for almost two years. And I don't want to let all this work go to waste"

"You're not, but blocking him isn't the way to do it. You just need to remember him as a good memory" I shift in the seats and look at the clock; I only have five minutes left, damn. If I had more time I would do a double session but I can't, I have to get on the stupid plane to stupid Seattle.

"So instead of thinking about the fact that I was emotionally dead for two months after he left, and that college sucks, and that high school actually was the best time of my miserable life, I should think about the good moments we had together?"

"I wouldn't put it on those words, but I yes, think about the good things" she says, and I keep squeezing the ball "and if anything goes wrong just call me alright?" I nod, and get up "Everything will be ok, don't worry Tori" I give her a hug and head out her office on my way straight to the airport. I might be overthinking all of this. I am going to Seattle after all, it's not even the same city he lives in! And it's Christmas! He won't leave his Grandma alone during the holidays to go to a city he can go any other time of the year, right?

**Seattle**

"This is where we're having the reception" Trina says, standing on top of a bench and posing, pretending to be holding a bouquet. "Now picture me in the altar with a white sparkly dress"

My mom tells Alec to stand next to Trina so she can take a picture of them six months before the wedding, to do a before/after album time of thing. He's a nice guy, but it still annoys me how Alec always has his skin super tanned, even though he lives in a city where it rains most of the time, and also the fact that he's always wearing a polo tucked inside his khaki pants.

He dresses like a golf player and he doesn't even plays golf. Oh, and the detail Trina never lets me forget, he has enough in his trust fund to pay for mine, my parents and half the LA population's lives and still be able to live in a three store penthouse in Malibu. The only twist, which is not actually twist, is that he has to live in Seattle where his parents live, to be near is family. I think that's a pretty good deal if you ask me. When he started buying her everything she wanted, my Mom was worried that Trina wasn't going to, and I quote, 'chill with her anymore'. Turns out all my Mother had to do was move to Seattle, and they kept going shopping together and all that, they kept 'chilling' just like before.

"It's going to be gorgeous!" My mom exclaims, and Alec helps Trina coming down of the stool, at least he really seems to care about her, and she does too, in her own weird, gross, Trina way. "But I still think you should have the wedding in LA" and there they go again, this is all I've heard from the minute I got off the plane, Mom wants a sunny wedding in the Beverly Hills hotel, and Alec wants it in Seattle, actually his family wants it in Seattle. I honestly see no point in this discussion because he's the one that's going to pay, so he should pick the city. Or even better, they should just stop talking and go indoors, because it's freezing outside and I think my toes are slowly turning into ice cubes.

* * *

I hoped you liked this one, **please review** I'm really exited to see how you guys feel on how Tori's life turned out.

- Kiribati


	31. Seattle

**Beck **

_"Rule number one, is that you gotta have fun  
But baby when you're done, you gotta be the first to run  
Rule number two, just don't get attached to  
Somebody you could lose  
So le-le-let me tell you  
This is how to be a heart breaker"_

I get in my dorm, that due to the Holidays is silent and empty, except for a few students that don't have the money to travel, or simply hate Christmas like my roommate, Tyler, well he would travel like last year if his Mother had given him money to go to Kenya as he planned, but instead she cut him off and he turned into Grinch. A Grinch who have been blasting 'Imagine' by John Lennon for the past two days. I think my head will blow up if I listen to it one more time. "Dude check this out" He practically screams, and I turn off the music, making he look at me revolted "That's my Holiday song you tyrant!"

"You can listen to it with earplugs" I sit down at my bed, staring at the calendar, I don't hate Christmas in particular, but this time of the year is not exactly the best for me, for several reasons I'd rather not think of, and plus, every year my parents come, and every year they go sightseeing and there really isn't much to see in Vancouver. "I'm going to make a video about this, so people on YouTube can know how messed up you really are"

"I'm way ahead of you, our one million and two thousand subscribers already do know how I am, I vlogged about it yesterday" Out YouTube Channel is getting pretty big, I think he started making videos in his senior year of high school, but his views really went up after we started making videos together. He used to just rant about whatever was on his mind to the camera, but now that we actually know how to film and direct we make short videos and some comedy stuff, and before we realized it, it got pretty big, and YouTube started paying us. It's not what I imagined I'd do with my life, but then again, nothing goes the way you think it would. "whatever, I'm almost done with the project, look" He shows me an album full of pictures of burning Christmas decorations and one tree, each of them entitled with one word, including the one with a fake cotton Santa Claus falling from the roof with the word 'paradise' on it. "Paradise: a dead Santa Claus, just like John Lennon once said, Imagine no religion!" He eyes me, threatening to put the song back on but I take his laptop and put it away.

"That's all really interesting, but I still have five photos to take" I get back up, stretching my legs. This project is going to be the death of me "Why are even doing this project again?" I ask Tyler, and he rolls his eyes turning around to face me, snapping a picture of my annoyed expression.

"Because you need a B- to pass the semester, and I want to maintain my A+ on photography" I nod, putting all the stuff I need to get the pictures right, without using filters because Professor Cameron made it clear of what he wanted. Raw pictures, each of them representing all the words he put on the board which make a total of twelve, and I'm still at seven, not good since I have a day and a half to finish it.

"I still don't know how I'm going to portrait 'paradise' in Canada, the Santa was the best I came up with but I'm not feeling really good about it" He grunts, and I smirk at his comment. I am having as much difficulty as he is. The closest thing I have to paradise is a park, that's four hours from here, and it'll still only be pretty shot of a park, and that won't give me a B-. But then again, it'll get me out of the city for a few hours, avoiding family Christmas time.

"I'm heading to the pier to get four more photos, and then I'll only have paradise left" He gets up, grabbing his loyal Nikon to go with me "Seattle here I come..."

"Are you sure? it's a long way" I pick up a good book for the train ride, some cash and the best camera I own "I could just help you steal those decorations from the Bank and take snapshots of kids crying, realizing that Christmas is a stupid marketing strategy"

"You're sick dude" I nod my head looking at the amused smirk on his face. I press play to my phone voicemail, leaving it on speaker and begin to get the rest of my things.

_"You have four new messages..."_ God, I'm really not in the mood for it today _"...first new message:__ Hey Beck, it's Moonlight, we had so much fun on Saturday I was just..."_ I skip it, knowing how it will end, just like all the others, and play the next one.

_"I know you said it would be a one night thing but we have such good chemistry! Oh, it's Kenley by the way, so I th..."_ I skip it again, and look at Tyler with his hands over his face and making sounds of pain.

_"Beck, it's Laila! You forgot your wristband here"_ this one can actually be useful_ "so maybe I could give it back to you over dinn__-"_ nope, false alarm.

_"I'm Juliet from the..."_ I roll my eyes and delete all of them, putting one strap of my backpack on my shoulder, ready to go.

"Why won't you answer?!" He yells "Are you insane?" I eye him, three years sharing the room with the guy and he stills go nuts over the fact that I won't be with the same girl for over two weeks.

"They signed up for this" I tell him, I have a reputation and rumors spread and all of them are true, Beck Oliver is the guy who just wants to enjoy college without any commitment, and that couldn't be any more true.

"I don't understand you" we head out, walking to the bus stop "you could have any girl you want, and you choose the unending chase of meaningless hookups and being called 'Beck the lonely boy'" I didn't know people still called me that... I'm not lonely, I'm single.

Tyler doesn't know about Tori, none of it, I don't really feel like sharing and trying to explain the craziness that was my senior year. High School is behind me, I never think about Hollywood Arts, I never think about the horrible LA weather, and I most definitely never think about the annoying Northridge girls. But Tori... She wasn't a high school girlfriend, that wasn't what we had. As much as I'd love to believe that it was, and move on, I know I'd be lying to myself if I did. But I've come to the terms that life doesn't work out the way you want it to, and that I'm just going to have to be with someone that isn't going to be as perfect as she was.

Soon we're on the bus, and once we get to the pier we each go our ways to try and get the damn pictures right, and after what it seemed to be endless hours of bad pictures I managed to get four of them, just in time to have a coffee before I go. I snap another picture and walk back to the coffee shop down at the pier, as always at this time of the year the streets are empty, except for unfortunate tourists that wander around with extremely inappropriate clothes for this weather, trying to do basic sightseeing when its ten degrees outside.

I sit down in a table near the window, and look at the Polaroid pictures I just shot, winter is the best season for photography, the sun isn't up and everything is white and grey, amazing. "Hey handsome"

"Hi Lucy" she pours coffee in the mug placed in front on me, I take a sip "Still struggling with the Professor Cameron's project?"

"It's bad" she laughs, and I take another sip already half way through, and Tyler enters the shop spotting me and sitting down. He greets Lucy but she quickly turns back to me "Maybe you could help me out?" and there she goes again.

"I would..." I run my fingers through my hair, why does she keep doing this to herself? We've known each other for almost three years and never once, I led her to believe that I wanted to date her, not even a one night stand. And yet she keeps inviting me to study and I decline every single time "but I'm...busy...with a …"

"...right" she nods, pouring Tyler some coffee and heading to the next table. And I drink half a cup in one sip.

"Dude, she's hot, she's cool and she's totally into you" I stay silent, and look at my pictures spread around the table, gathering them up before someone spills coffee all over them. I got all the pictures I wanted, it was actually easier than I thought it'd be. I hope I have the same surprise in Seattle, a couple of shots and a B- "seriously look at her, amazing figure, those blonde curls...and her name is Lucy, great name"

I roll my eyes, zipping up my backpack "If you're so into her, why don't you ask her out?"

"You know what?" he nods his head, trying to encourage himself. I'd ask out Lucy, superficially she's the perfect match for me, same taste in movies, music, she even dresses similarly, that's why we became such good friends at first, that's until she started liking me, and going on and on about how good a serious commitment could work if two people are really good friends first. And I realized and if anything were to happen between us I'd just break her heart "I will" He gets up, leaving the table, and I put some change on top of it to cover both our beverages, it doesn't take long for him to come back with a confused look "she said she doesn't like Asians..."

I chuckle at his comment "I'm sorry my Vietnamese friend" we get up, and he starts to murmur something about being born in Portland, not actually Asian. Right before I head out she calls my name, just like she always does.

"Nice photos" she waves and I shrug with a sympathetic smile. She majors in photography, and both of us know that my pictures aren't good enough for her to compliment; But I'll just pretend she wasn't flirting, and be polite.

"Well I'm going to turn in my project since I'm done and officially on winter break" he stops at the bus stop, and grabs his camera, I'd film with him, but I have to take the subway to my Grandmother's house.

Vancouver is the same, the neighborhood is the same, and the memory of Trina's phone call is just as fresh as my memory of having coffee with Tyler ten minutes ago. And it's not the best feeling in the world to think about that, or her, it's pathetic really, three years later and I'm still hiding and ignoring old feelings. There are some periods of time that she doesn't pop into my head, sure. But not during Christmas, that now is a synonym to hell; hell because I was stupid teenager and when she told me to let us go, I did.

"Woody is making a mess!" My Grandma opens the front door pulling me inside the house "Your Dad doesn't want to be near him so I had to put the poor dog in the kitchen" she gives me hug and I spot my parents in the living room, waiting to talk to me. They arrived a couple of hours ago, and as much as I love them, I'm really not up for the 'how's college' questionnaires'.

"Beck, honey!" My Mom hugs me tight, and kisses my cheek with a huge smile on her face "I've missed you! Calling once a week would be nice you know?"

"I'm sorry, I've been really busy Mom" I move on to my Dad, that also gives me a hug but quickly sits back down at the couch, reaching for his cup of tea.

"So, how's college?" he asks, in perfect timing for me to tell them I can't stay. I'm just glad that he gave up on the girl talk after my first semester on freshmen year, when I discovered the wonders of even more desperate and easy girls looking for meaningless sex than in high school, and never once brought a girl over.

"The same..." My Grandma hands me a box of cookies as she does every Christmas for me to give to Tyler, she always tries her best to make him love the Holydays, which is good for me because I get to eat the cookies too "but I do have to run, I have a photography project to finish and I'm heading to Seattle to do so"

"Seattle?!" My Mom shoots me a look in a_'please-don't-leave-me-alone-here'_ way and I kind of feel bad for it, because from all the people I miss she's right on top. But I really need to turn the project in by tomorrow night tops, and the closest I have to paradise here is that damn park in Seattle with the most amazing view.

"I really need to go" I give my Mom a kiss, heading to the kitchen, to get Woody that starts to bark and run around when seeing me. I have his leash in hand, and put it on him to take him to Moose's like I do every time my Dad's around. He's terrified of the dog, just because he's a Rottweiler, but I swear he's the sweetest dog in the world, I think he'd loose a fight to a Chihuahua. "I'm leaving Woody at Moose's!" I yell before going on the street "You love staying with Moose don't you boy?" I pet his head, and he licks my hand right before getting distracted by a running squirrel, and trying to go after him, if it moves he wants to play with.

I walk five blocks until getting to his condo. The doorman opens the gate and gives me a judgy frown, he does that to me because he doesn't like me, he already said so once, because I 'like to party way too much'. He rings to Moose's apartment to let him know I'm going upstairs. I push the Penthouse button, and in seconds I'm inside his apartment. Its still amazes me how Moose went from a High School student to a millionaire hokey player and still managed to have the same, lame decoration. "Woody! Come here buddy!"

"Are you sure you can stay with him?" I sit down at the couch, and put my feet over the table that is shaped just like the Canada flag. He is too busy rolling around with him to hear me "Moose!"

"What?!" he gets up suddenly, and Woody steals his shoe, running around the living room "Yeah, no problem, I love it when he stays here" he opens the minibar under the table and opens a beer "do want one?"

"No thanks man, I gotta run" I get up, pet Woody goodbye and as I'm about to leave his girlfriend, Mila, gets out of the bathroom telling me to hold the door, she's a nice girl, to this day I don't know how she got Moose to settle down but she did, and my Grandma finally stopped saying he was the bad influence, and accepted the fact that he wasn't the reason for me to be like this, or as she likes to call a 'ladies men', always carried with an eye roll.

After one book and three cokes later I finally arrive at Seattle, getting on the first bus to that park just to taking a freaking photo, my family must really think I'm nuts. I stand near the door and a couple of stops later I'm at in the center of the city, with amazing trees and great architecture, and it's the perfect scenario, and I'm glad I got this project on the winter; This area is the exact spot where the most luxurious weddings and parties happen, and they take more than half of the park, and somehow they always happen when I go out of my way to come, fortunately, not today.

I'm just going to use the desperate move I developed in freshmen year, and snap ten photos randomly, because at least one of them will be decent. I take them quickly, and sit down at the cold bench to look at what it turned out .The first one is crap, just like the second and third, the fourth is nice, but nice for a C maybe a C+ not a B-. The fifth would be perfect, perfect lighting and all that, except for these two girls... No... Is it...

I look up, my heart pounding so fast I think that the people around me might hear it, I walk fast, leaving all the bad pictures behind me holding just the one, and as I get closer I see that it's true. She's here, and she's smiling and slowly walking in my direction "Beck...?" I pull her into a hug, lifting her slightly from the ground, shutting my eyes just for a brief moment; She feels the same, she smells the same, and she's real, and I don't really know what to do.

I think we've been hugging for more time that we should have, but I only think that because her sister and Mom are staring, I pull away, even though I don't want to. What should I say? What should I do? Wow, where did insecure Beck come all of a sudden?

And just like that she asks me why I am here in a friendly way, smiling and looking up at me. Every time I look at her it feels like I'm seventeen again, like the day I realized I was going to love her a lot more than I had planned. God, she looks so beautiful...

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**Please, Please, please** review! I love you,

- Kiribati


	32. Home

**Tori & Beck **

_"Over and over many setting suns  
I have run, I have waited for the rain to come  
When through that mist I see the shape of you  
And I know, and I know that I'm in love with you_

_Though_  
_I'm far away_  
_I know I'll stay, I know I'll stay_  
_Right there with you_  
_And though_  
_It might be too late_  
_What would you say? What would you say?_  
_What would you do?"_

I can't stop smiling, I think it's physically impossible for me to do so, but for whatever reason it feels good. Good because I've been walking beside him for two blocks, my arm brushing against his and the temptation to get closer growing each time, it's him, he's beside me. And this is going nothing like the way I thought it'd go when we met again for the first time, if we met again. He looks down at me with the beautiful crocked smile, and his amazing eyes, talking about his YouTube channel, but I'm not really listening to his words, I'm listening to the way he talks, fascinated that even though we haven't seen each other in years he still looks like the Beck I fell in love with, the Beck I missed so much.

He opens the door to this bar/pub thing and I walk in. The place is dark, the walls are covered in posters and shirts signed by their respective artists and all of the people inside seem to be around our age, this place is very Beck. It's definitely not the type of thing you'd expect to find near a train station "Are you two going to be performing?" The lady behind the counter asks, and I look at him with a grin on my face, and I think that from all of the thing that didn't change over the years for me is the answer to that question, always a huge yes.

"We will" I raise my eyebrows, he's singing too? I bite my bottom lip as we walk over to a booth, and I sit down first, putting my feet over the other side, and he sits next to them. I guess that's appropriate, although I'd prefer if he was sitting next to me...

"How did you find this place?" I put my hands over the table and look at his clothes, he changed his style a bit, it's more clean, I don't know how to explain it, it feels more grown up, I guess we did grew up... but somehow I'm feeling like I'm seventeen all over again.

"Me and friends always come here when we come to Seattle, for whatever reason, it's a good place to play music" The waiter pours us some water, and he orders a beer, I ask for one too, I didn't know you could drink under the age of twenty one here. "So... Do you still keep in touch with anyone from High School?"

"Just Andre, we share a rented condo right outside campus" he raises his eyebrow, tilting his head forward "No, not like that! He's my roommate and totally in love with the same girl since freshmen year" he laughs, and I nod my head, checking my phone, two new messages from Johnny. "What about you?"

"No girlfriend and no apartment" No girlfriend, no girlfriend which means he's single, Beck, single! "I do have a dog...sort of" I rest my head on my hand to listen to him, sighting like an idiot "he lives at my Grandma's house, because we can't have pets in my dorm or live outside of it"

"You can go up the stage" the lady says, pointing at it in the back of the bar, and I look at him for reassurance, and he gets up waiting to walk with me.

I look at the stage and just now realize that there is a piano, a couple of guitars and even a violin available for whoever wants to use it, but since I don't know what we're going to sing I won't bother going to the piano. I sit down in one of the little wooden stools, and look at Beck that picked up one of the guitars "follow my lead" he says, and starts to play the chords. Chords that I'd recognize anywhere for a mile.

I begin to sing, and it feels like a lot, I can't describe it it's...

_"And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now _

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight" _

Instead of waiting for the choir he starts to sing from the beginning with me, and I lock my eyes with his, with a smile on my face as if this song wasn't even real. This is our song, and I almost forgot how beautiful the lyrics are, and how everyone here is just listening to yet another song, without knowing how much this all means to me...to us.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything feels like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive _

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

He puts the guitar down, never breaking away from my gaze, and we ignore the applauds or tips in the hat walking right back to the table; I sit down at his side of the booth and pull him with me, I don't want to break away yet. I want him close, I need him close. I place my hand at the table next to his, and he takes a sip of his beer tea. "You got a tattoo" he says, holding my wrist slightly, and running his index finger over the scar that never faded away.

"Andre's girlfriend drew it for me" I tell him, as he looks closely "the branch is right on top of where the cut was, and the flowers are supposed to be what I gained from it, good things and all that shit" I can't help but think about how different I feel from when I finished singing this song that day in Sikowitz class, I don't feel like this is it, like there's nothing to look forward to. For the first time in a long time I actually feel alive.

I show him my right wrist in contrast with the left one, the tiny little scar left goes by unnoticed. And the tattoo on the left one helps me getting jobs, people don't really want to hire you when they learn you used to be a suicidal teenager, it's not exatly what you'd call good marketing.

His fingers stop tracing my scar, and when I think he's going to break away I intertwine my fingers with his, he holds my hand back, and as silly as holding hands sound, this is not silly at all. "I've missed you" I say shyly, hypnotized by the ways our hands are. They fit the exact same way they did three years ago, perfectly.

"I've been missing you too, a lot" That's exactly it, all these years, the weird feeling I always got that something wasn't in the right place; what made me hook up with so many guys trying to find that thing, the thing that made me feel like myself again, it was Beck. He's a the part of me that was missing.

I get closer to him on the seat, and I burry my head in his neck, letting go of his hand and bringing it to his chest. He strokes my hair, and I bring one of my hands up to his neck "Tor...", I love hearing him say my name, I love how he holds me and I love everything about this. I look up, and run my fingers on his hair

"Your hair is longer" I tell him, and he tucks some of mine behind my ear with a slight crooked smile, and I push myself against him even more so there is no space left.

"Yours is shorter" he tells me, his hand cupping my cheek and tracing down my face until reaching the back on my neck, and breathe in feeling his touch.

"Do you hate me? For leaving you like that?" He runs his thumb across my cheek and shut my eyes.

"I felt a lot of things" His hand traces back to my neck, and I look up to his eyes "But I could never hate you" I breathe in, there's too much tension in the air, that amazing anticipated tension that's just too good to break "did it work for you? Trying to leave high school behind, did it work?" I place my hand on top of his, and trail the one that was one his neck to his shoulder "leaving us behind?"

"It was a stupid idea wasn't it?" Three years without Beck, three years gone to waste.

"...the stupidest" I let go of whatever I had to say when he pulls me even closer. Our lips brush, and I take a deep breath before he captures my lips with his own, and I kiss him back again and again, bringing both my hands to his face wishing I didn't have to breathe and part our lips, even if it's just for a second. He kisses my cheek, and I push his hair back, and he brings my lips back to his. His tongue inside my mouth, he tastes like beer, coffee, and home. Beck is my home.

"Let's..." he begins to say, but I cut him off deepening the kiss again, and only pull when I feel like my lungs are about to explode in the need air, and he doesn't hesitate, I need to get three years back, all the time we were apart... I need that time with him. The world is right again, it's spinning and it's wonderful and it tastes like love, like I am good, I am fine, I'm happy.

"I know..." I whisper pulling away, people around us are starting to stare, and as much as I'd would like to ignore them and just keep doing what we're doing, forever, we should go...

Now that I think about it, it might be good that we leave. He puts a ten dollar bill on the table for the beer, and we get out feeling the freezing wind that doesn't seem to do much effect on him, but I haven't been this cold since Chattanooga. He puts his arm around my shoulders and we walk side by side along the gates to the train station laughing, I don't really know why we are doing so. Maybe because this is just too good to be true, and it feels real, oh so real.

I stop and stand in front of him, wrapping my arms around his torso and resting my head on his chest looking up, he's smiling truly smiling which is not something he does very often, at least he didn't used to... I can't believe I wasted three years "We should go to Vancouver, you can turn in your project and I don't have any plans so..."

"Really?" I nod, leading us inside the train station to by some tickets.

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Hello guys! Hope you liked this one **please review** I'm sorry there was a delay on the chap I had some internet issues! Love all of you, thanks for reviewing my last chap,

- Kiribati


	33. Vancouver

**Important Author's note in the end**

* * *

**Tori**

_I've been living with a shadow overhead  
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed  
I've been lonely for so long  
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on  
All I wanna do is find a way back into love_

My body instantly relaxes with the heat. And we get in the shortest line, and I just can't take my eyes from him it's still too unreal. We get to our turn, and I ask for one ticket, since Beck already had his. And before I can get my wallet he hands the lady his credit card "you don't have to pay for me" I pledge, but it's too late.

He looks at me with his eyebrows raised, he always pays, no matter what I say. I rest my head on his shoulder waiting for the lady to print the ticket "Do you want a sleeping cabin?" The cashier asks, it's a four hour train ride, and he's too much of a gentlemen to ask for one...

"Yeah, sure" she looks up, and stares at both me and Beck rolling her eyes, and I smile awkwardly, she should be used to these things. She hands me back his credit card and the ticket, and hand it to him, walking towards the gate.

"a sleeping booth?" he asks, grinning, and I sit down at one of the cold, metal benches.

"don't be so smart" I tell him, and he raises his eyebrows "I just figured since it was your money, I should ask for the most expensive seat"

"is that so?" I nod, leaning closer and he kisses the tip of my nose, and hold booth his cheeks placing a quick kiss on his lips. He holds my hands bringing them down to my lap and I deepen the kiss for a few moments, right before I feel the pinch of anxiety.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom, real quick" I say, getting up and following the signs to it. I enter the first stall available, and breathe out, taking my time to think. This is happening, I'm going to Vancouver with Beck, and I booked a sleeping cabin oh my god! What if he thinks I'm fat, I gained a couple of pounds on the last few years and, oh no what if I suck in bed now? I mean Johnny was a terrible in it what if I'm influenced by him and...shit! I can't be nervous about this! I did just fine when I was a virgin, it won't suck now, not after all these years and not with him. It can't suck.

I go back and he's leaning against the wall, smiling as I come closer and I get instantly pulling in by him, as he kisses me again. Not that I'm complaining. Soon enough, the gates open and we get in line, making our way inside the train. I don't bother to look for the seats, going straight to the cabins hall, and I pick the first one that is empty and put the key in, unlocking the door and walking inside. I take a quick glance behind as he locks the door, and I feel as if my heart was going to jump out of chest.

I look at the single sofa bed and swallow, taking a deep breath before turning around. He runs his fingers through his hair, and takes a step forward in my direction, and I take one too reaching for his hand. He cups my cheek and I look up at his eyes, forgetting all the reasons I had to be nervous.

I open my mouth to speak, but I soon forget what I meant to say, pressing my lips hard against his, as I felt my blood getting warmer as he traced my neck with his mouth, and take off his jacket and throwing it anywhere but near us to find another one underneath it. Damn this cold fucking weather.

I think he gets my frustration because next that he does is zip down his hoodie, and I can't help but smirk at the thin shirt underneath it, finally the last layer. I take off my own jacket, then my sweater and finally my shirt, he grabs my arms pulling me towards him, and we both let out sights of relieve with the skin on skin contact. "I missed you so much"

I kick off my shoes, and cock my neck to the side as he trails kisses down, until he goes up again to my mouth, and I help him push his jeans down and all the off to the corner of the room. He says my name, and I wrap my legs around his torso, kissing every inch of his body I can reach. And all I want is more, and faster. He feels hot, so hot I can just...

He lies me down, and I grab him by his shoulders pulling him down to me, and somewhere in between gasps and moans and our names we're one. I pull his hair and he rolls his eyes with his open mouth and it's been so long since I've been with someone like this... Sex is great, it's always great, but with Beck it's a whole other experience, sex with him is an mind blowing, earth shattering experience.

I can feel the amazing tension building up in both of us, and as he pulls me up sitting us down when climax, and just like before at the exact same time. "Wow" He breathes out, and we're still wrapped around each other, my head resting on his shoulder and his on mine.

"I know" I rest my knees on either ends of the sofa bed, and his arms are under mine and onto my back pulling me closer. I kiss his shoulder, I could keep kissing him forever.

"Ok, I have to say this" I face him, and he looks really peaceful, I think I do too... "I know we're in kind of a compromising position but..." I breathe out, yes I am on the risk of being rejected while going to another country, yes it'll be the worst thing, worse than being away for three years, but I have to know. "They say true love only comes around once... Do you still love me?" I whisper, running my fingers through his hair, still consumed by him, about us, together.

"Who's they?" I can't help but laugh, and he does too, and if I'm lucky I know we haven't changed that much, maybe not at all... not when we're together."I never stopped loving you, not a minute, not a second" I lift my head and draw his lips back to mine, pushing him down to be on top of him, and I open my eyes from a brief second, and see that he's smiling; I whisper the words back to him, and he tells me them again, and between each kiss we confess our love again and again, and I know I'll never get tired of hearing these words again... They fill me up in such way that... I can't honestly put into words.

He's lying, faced down to the sofa-bed, his arms folded under his head, just looking at me. "I did some damage here" I tell him, tracing down my nail marks on his back, and then lying down on top him. He tries to look up, but I don't let him, playing with his hair and kissing the back of his neck.

"I don't mind..." His hair is almost as long as mine now, and I don't know why I like it so much, I think at this point I like anything that's on him. I kiss down his neck until reaching his face and eventually his mouth, and he manages to roll us around and I giggle in his mouth, trying not to fall from the small sofa bed.

_"Ten minutes until the next arrival. Next Stop, Vancouver, British Colombia"_ I stop laughing to hear the announcement, and look down at him in excitement, and jump off the bed to get dressed. We pick up our clothes from the floor, and in a few seconds we are fully dressed and ready to go. I look out the window, and I can see the station getting closer and closer.

I feel his hands on my lower waste and turn around, and I gaze into his eyes, at the small bite marks I left on his neck that are beginning to fade, his hand cupping my cheek and the greatness that surrounds this whole situation. "Did I tell you I love you today?" He smiles, running his hand up to my messy hair.

"Nah...I don't think so" I press my lips against his shortly, and tell him I love him again, quickly falling in the same pattern from before; And if we weren't five minutes away from having to get out, by now our clothes would be back on the floor, and I wouldn't care to leave this train, ever.

"Smile" before I can react he snaps a picture "that was just perfect".

"I'm a mess" he puts the picture in his pocket, and he puts both his hands on my face, and I smile like an fool.

"You're beautiful" He gives me one more kiss before we get out of the cabin, our hands glued and I intend to keep them that way. It takes me a few seconds to get used to the light, after being inside for four hours with him I practically forgot that there even was a world outside.

I hold his hand tight, and we walk out into the even worse, cutting-cold wind and in seconds a bus arrives, and we run to it, sitting in the first two available seats next to each other."So, this is Vancouver" he shrugs, and I look around, it's amazing. So different from LA and Seattle, there are glass buildings everywhere and it feels like a cosmopolitan city. There are lots of oriental stores, mountains surrounding the city and mostly young people on the streets and I can already tell the nightlife here must be amazing, I can't even imagine how the city must look like on the summer.

"I like it already" the bus makes a couple of stops, and he gets up, leading us to the back door, and I see it 'Vancouver Arts and Film College'. We hop out, and stop in the middle of a square, the campus is empty, like you'd expect during Christmas, and it's a lot different than the Campus in University of Dramatic Arts in Cali too. For one thing there isn't any sun, and I can tell from the few people I saw on the streets they dress a lot differently, a lot more like Beck too.

"Ok so you just go there" He points at a building on my right. "Go to the left, room thirty four" I pull his scarf and give him a kiss, taking the key from his hand before he goes, and we both part our ways with a smile on our faces. And I walk as fast as I can inside the pleasantly warm building, the halls are completely empty.

Thirty three...thirty four...the door is half opened, and I can hear two people having an argument inside, should I go in and interrupt or just stand here like a creep?

"Mom I am not going back to Oregon to celebrate CHRISTMAS!" A guy screams, and a woman who I guess is his Mom tries to argue back, but he cuts her off by shutting his Laptop, that's my queue. I walk in, and the guy, a really tall, Asian dude is on the bed with a bunch of Christmas things all over it, and I think some of them are burned. "Hot girl in my room...?" he says confused, giving me up and down looks as I roll my eyes, college boys. "Hi, Beck's not here right now so..."

"I know" I look inside, and smile at how evident what side of the room is Beck's. For one thing, there's a dude on a bed but even if he wasn't there, I would be able to tell in a matter of seconds.

The furniture, like most dorms is the same for both of them. A single bed, small nightstand, a three story shelve and a desk all of it made of light wood, but each side of the room is the complete opposite of the other. Beck's roommate side is neat, his top two shelves have high tech cameras, and the bottom one has a huge Blue Ray collection, I don't recognize half of the movies in there. His desk has lots of Christmas decoration on it and some books about photography, and the wall on his side has a huge, framed poster of 'Lord of the Rings and The Return of the King'. Meanwhile, the other side is just a pile of weird and quirky stuff. The desk has his Laptop on it, a pile of random books next to it, an old camera and a hat. In his top shelve he has a Buda, another hat, a porcelain chicken and more books. The two bottom shelves have some CD's on it, this small tribal statue and a vintage radio player. His wall is all covered with weird signs and paintings, I recognize some of the from his RV, and I don't know why, but that makes me really happy. "He's going to turn in the project, told me to wait here" I shut the door behind me, and sit on Beck's bed. I love the way that sounds, Beck's bed. "I'm Tori"

The guys moves some stuff around his desk, and finally grabs a red sock with this really weird expression on his face. "I'm Tyler" he offers me his hand, and shakes it, a little to formal I think but I've been told people up state are a lot different then in LA. "You're definitely not from around here are you?"

"I'm from LA" guess I'm not the only one who finds something weird. He looks at me, and turns his head sideways, trying to figure out something about me "I went to high school with him"

"Hollywood Arts, fancy school" He gets a couple of blue rays and goes back to his bed "I went to Oregon finest ordinary public school, now, let me ask you this" He throws the blue rays aside and grabs a video camera setting it up on top of a tripod in a matter of seconds "do you enjoy Christmas?"

"Not at all"

"Can you tell me why?" I cross my legs, and look straight to the camera. I'm used to being filmed given that I have been having to do school films almost every week, I figure he's going to publish that on YouTube, on their channel. I should watch that, Beck through out his college years.

"Because the media gives you a fake idea of happiness, Christmas miracle and all that" I sight, not wanting to say too much "that's bullshit, life doesn't stop at the holydays, and some people might get a break from school and their jobs, but mortgage, taxes, mental illness... That stays, and it sucks just as much as any other day"

"Fantastic!" he exclaims shutting off the camera "I like you already, wha-" we hear a knock on the door, and Tyler rushes to it, and I get up, anxiously waiting "Dude, this girl is awesome" he whispers, loud enough for me to hear the excitement in his voice, which is a bit weird.

"Cool half" I say, indicating his side of the room and he grins, right before I put my hands on the back of his head and hold on to him, as he gives me a kiss. I still get the chills as if this was the first time in years... I don't think I'll ever stop missing him. I rest my head on his chest and he kisses my forehead.

"What's going on here?" For a second I almost forget we weren't alone. I open my eyes, Tyler's standing in front of us, leaning behind the closed door. "I'm seeing real signs of affection, would you care to explain?" He really is weird.

He rolls his eyes, and sits down at the bed, and I sit beside him putting my legs over his lap and resting my head on the side of his face, running my fingers on his neck. "Let me try, we're..." he begins to say, and I'm also curious to know what we are, because I have no clue. Long lost soul mates? No. The cheesy, High school stereotype? I hope not. "Tori is... I guess you'd say she's the one"

"You couldn't put it in better words" He rests his forehead on mine before I kiss him, and before Tyler puts the camera on us, making us stop.

"I hate to interrupt, but we have to film remember? We're doing daily vlogs for December, and you're one day late" He looks at Tyler, that couldn't be more serious and already setting up the camera to his side of the bed just like he did before. "There are two million people waiting"

"Yeah ok, do you want to appear?" He asks me, and I nod.

"I'm just not very sure of what to do"

"You basically talk about whatever you want" Tyler explains, pressing record and sitting beside Beck and I.

"Hello people from the world, this is day..." Tyler points at the air "twenty four of December Daily Vlogs and I'm thrilled to see all of you again" Beck rolls his eyes, probably at the way Tyler said that "If you hadn't noticed yet we have a special guess today, Tori say hi"

"Hello...?"

"I love that they way you said hello was like 'why am I saying hi to nobody'" I chuckle at Beck's comment, and now Tyler is the one to rolls his eyes.

"If any of you are wondering, our dear mister Beck Oliver apparently found _the one_, and just five hours before Christmas, is that what they called a miracle?"

"No, not a miracle, much less a Christmas one" I tell him, and we go on talking for another twenty minutes. This actually pretty cool, their job is basically talking and being who they are. He told me they do other stuff, some comedy videos and other things but I have to watch it to understand, I just know that their job is a lot cooler than mine.

** Beck**

_"Somewhere in her smile she knows_

_That I don't need no other lover_

_Something in her style that shows me_

_I don't want to leave her now_

_You know I believe and how"_

Tyler is doing the last edits to video we just made so that we can upload it before Christmas, I love my job, but I just met the love of my life after three years the only thing I want to do is kiss her, and hold her, and do nothing but be with her.

"What are we going to do?" She begins, but gets distracted picking up a book, and looks at the cover, smiling "you bought another copy..."

She hands me it, 'The Perks of Being A Wallflower' new edition with the movie cover, I hate it, but I couldn't find the original one anywhere "I had you, since you never gave back the old one" I look through the pages, I haven't read this in years, I just like to have it in my shelf, like an old friend. I put it in my nightstand, and she sits back in the bed.

"But I'm serious now, what are going to do?" I run my fingers through my hair, and she looks at me trying to find an answer.

"We're only going to be apart for one semester, after that college ends and we can do whatever we want" I take her hand, rubbing my thumb on her palm "We're not teenagers anymore, the only thing holding us back is college..."

"I don't mean to be rude" Tyler begins, and I get up taking her hand "but I have to finish the set list for the party, and your love... shit... thing... is kind of ruining the mood for me" She rolls her eyes and sights, and I love the way she does that. I get up and she follows as I take her hand into mine.

"We should be going anyways, did you upload the video?"

"It's going right now" I nod at him, and walk towards the door.

"Bye Tyler" she says, walking out of the room and he glances at her, mouthing the words 'this is a good one'. It is, it really is.

"So, where to?" I look at the time, oh crap,I should be at Moose's to check on Woody...

"I have to go feed my dog, and then my Grandma's for dinner, but she always makes enough food for two more people since I take leftovers for Tyler and I"

"The leftovers boy" She wraps her arms around me and she tightens her grip when we go out in the cold "do we take the bus?"

"The subway, it's faster and we don't have to wait out in the cold"

"I like that" we walk half a block until we get to the first station, and we make our way to the gate "So, your Grandma...does she hate me?"

"what? why would she hate you?" I put my arm around her waist, and stand in front of her, kissing her cheek. I honestly think it's impossible for me to get tired of kissing her "why would anyone hate you?"

"I'm serious, does she think I'm bad for you?" the train arrives before I can give her an answer, and walk inside, sitting down in the corner, next to a guy asleep.

"She'll love you, because I love you, she might be my Dad's mother but she's nothing like him" she rests her head on my shoulder, and again it's the perfect fit, and I can still smell her shampoo and it's just so good to be like this again. "This is our stop"

"already?" the time can fly by when you're this happy, it's a trick of the mind, because when your said it feels like it stops, but I don't think I'll ever feel sad enough to feel that again "this is a nice neighborhood"

"Yeah, my friend Moose it's kind of a big deal in Hockey" we get to the building, and the doorman with the white gloves opens it, and I greet him as usual, but this time instead of the usual, judgy frown he gives me he nods his head surprised. I ring the doorbell, and I hear Woody running up to the door seconds before he starts to bark.

"Calm down boy, it's just the doorbell!" Mila says with a puppy voice, opening the door "Moose already fed him" she says, as he jumps on me waving his tail.

"Oww he's so cute" Tor says, petting his head before we come in "Are you Moose?" she looks at Mila, then at me completely confused.

"No!" she laughs "I'm his girlfriend, Mila" she gives Tori a kiss on both cheeks and walks inside the hall "Moose, Beck's here!"

"Dude what's your problem?!" it's the first thing he says coming out of the hall, right before he throws Woody's ball at me "YOUR GRANDMA CALLED, FOUR TIMES, don't you have a cellphone or something?"

I take it out of my pocket... "batteries died" I tell him and he wipes off some sweat of his forehead "Tor, this is Moose, Moose this is Tori"

"Hi" she says, and he looks at me, then at Tori, and back at me, and he starts to laugh. He walks up to her and takes her hand, shaking it, still kind of laughing.

"It is really good to meet you" he nods his head, and Woody brings me the ball, I throw it at him. "does your Grandma know?"

"Not yet"

"Go tell the old lady!" He yells, and I hold Tori's hand before we head out again, stopping by the door. "don't worry about Woody I have everything under control just..." he points at us "pick him up when you can, tomorrow, three days from now...take your time" he shuts the door without saying goodbye.

"He seemed happy" she says, as we get in "little weird thought" I grin, and again, the doorman opens the door with the same nod "what's with the hockey décor?"

I laugh at her comment, because it's exactly what I think, and she's the first one that doesn't get it either "He has a obsession". She talks all the way to my Grandma's street, and her voice is sweet and calm, a bit shaky but it's beautiful, everything she says it's beautiful to me.

Vancouver is the same, the neighborhood is the same, and the memory of Trina's phone call is just as fresh as my memory of having coffee with Tyler earlier today. I stop in front of my Grandma's house, still in the street, and it's already dark but I can picture everything from that day, how the sun got in my eyes and I how I just wanted to drop dead right in this spot. "want to hear something really sad?"

She stands in front of me, waiting for me to talk. "This is the exact spot I was when Trina called, telling me you were in the hospital" it takes time for her to absorb what I said. She looks around, bites her bottom lip and pulls me into a hug. "I'm so happy right now Tor" I admit, and she holds me closer and harder.

And suddenly she burst into tears."I'm sorry I..." I try to make her look at me, but she won't give in, so I do the only thing I can, and hold her close "I just never thought I'd see you again, and be with you and..." She finally looks up, and I wipe the tears before the freeze out in her face "I just missed you so much and I'm so happy and..." she kisses me, and she keeps kissing me until we're out of breath.

She straightens herself up, and we walk up to the door, she rings the bell. "Where have you been?!" she slaps my arm, and pulls me in to a hug afterwards "I've been worrying sic..." she stops talking, and I can tell she noticed I'm not alone.

"Hello" I step aside, and let Tori come inside, and I think for the first time in her life, my Grandma is in a loss for words "I'm Tori"

For a few seconds the three of us just stand there, right before they hug "it's so good that you're here". A weight drops from my back, even though I was ninety nine percent sure she'd love Tori, I needed to see it for myself "I'll just put another plate at the table" she holds Tori's hand and leads her to the kitchen with a smile on her face.

I walk to the living room, and my Mom gets up "Finally! It's a long way to Seattle isn't it?" I grin at my Mom, and my Dad analyzes my face "Next time, take me with you" I hear my Grandma laughing, good.

"what happened to you?" I look back at my Dad, who has his hand on his chin as if he was trying to solve a mystery "Why do you look like you just won the lottery?"

I start to hear footsteps coming from the kitchen, and I turn around to see my Grandma with a plate of cookies, and Tori by her side. I smile, and both my parents get up.

"Tori?"

* * *

I hope you like this one, this story will probably have five more chapters or so :( **PLEASE REVIEW!** **Check out the poll on my profile and MY NEW STORY IRREPLEACEBLE!** love you all,

- Kiribati


	34. Somewhere Only We Know

**Tori**

_You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. _  
_But I look around me and I see it isn't so. _  
_Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs. _  
_And what's wrong with that? _  
_I'd like to know, 'cause here I go again _  
_I love you, I love you_

His parents are in total shock, and his Dad is definitely not pleased to see Grandma on the other hand is probably being the nicest she can, giving me cookies and telling me all about Beck, also, that she loves me already. It's a strange feeling being here, the house is warm, it smells like snow and it's really cozy. But there's something about it, like it makes sense for me to be here, like for once there's nothing bad about it, even his Dad doesn't make me insecure. "What a surprise!" his Mom says.

"A real good one!" Grandma argues, and I feel Beck's eyes looking down at me, bringing an involuntary smile to my face.

"We ran into each other" He says, holding my hand, making my body send shivers up and down my spine.

"huh" is the only thing his Dad says, meanwhile his Mom comes closer and places her hand on my shoulder. She seems excited to see me?

"C'mon it's almost midnight, Richard would you get the ham?" He makes his way between Beck and I and grabs his arm taking him with.

"Isn't she pretty?" Grandma twirls her fingers on my hair, and looks at his Mom "and look at those cheekbones!" I look behind at the kitchen, and she brings my attention to my nails, saying they're nice too. Now I'm sure she's just trying to distract me from Beck and his Dad. He still doesn't like me, how can someone hold a grudge for so long? He could at least try to like me.

"Where's the restroom?" I politely ask.

"First door down the hall" I nod, and look for it, locking myself inside. I need some minutes to myself.

_"I just don't want this girl to mess up your life again!"_ what?_"You were fine before and after her!" _

I look up, and notice there's a vent that probably leads to the kitchen, because I can hear ever single word his father is saying. And I don't like any of it.

_"I don't care about what you think of her"_ he argues back, and as much as I feel bad for eavesdropping I can't stop listening to this _"I was fine without her, but I was amazing with her"_

_"I don't li..." _

_"...I love her Dad, how many times do I have to say it?_" I sit down at the counter, trying to be as silent as I can which is easy, I can be very sneaky when I want to. _"Can you please try for me?__" _

_"__Fine_" and that's the end of it, the footsteps go further until they disappear, and after a minute or so I leave the bathroom. I get my Pearphone to check the time, and turn it on, why did I turn it off in the first place? I have five new messages from Johnny, I delete all of them, so glad that I'll never have to tolerate him and his friends talking about the Greek system shit. Glad that I'll never have to tolerate any of those shitty guys ever again.

"Ten minutes till Christmas!" His Mom sings, as they all gather around the fireplace, I spot Beck, and as I'm about to sit down next to him my phone rings, and just now I notice that I have over ten missed calls, that I thought were by Andre or maybe Mary Alice, but no, they're from my Mom. Why is she calling me

"Mom?"

_"Tori! Thank god! You don't pick up, and we can't find you anywhere! We know how though Christmas is for you! I was worried..." _

My heart sinks into my chest, and I can't believe the words she's saying "I'm sorry Mom..."

_"...well you should be! Where are you?" _

"I'm at Beck's grandma's house, I'm staying"

_"Beck, ok...__ At least I know you're fine... Tori, I love you, merry Christmas" _

"I...I love you too Mom"

I go back to the living room, and his father tell us all to sit down to say our prayers. I'd never thought they'd be the kind of family to do that, but like everything else here, it's nice. His grandma begins, with her hands together over the table which for me it's better than all of us holding hands "and the last thing I want to say is to thank god, for all the good he brought to our family this year, and for making his Christmas just the way it should be, even if it was three years late"

Beck holds my hand under the table, running his thumb on my palm. Three years late... At least it's better late than never. "To family" His Dad says, raising a glass to toast, before we begin to eat.

The dinner went really well, I can tell that at the begging his Dad was making a lot of effort to be nice, but I'm starting to think he doesn't hate me anymore. He even laughed at one of my jokes! His Mom and Grandma are doing the dishes on the kitchen, I wanted to help but they insisted that I didn't have to, so Beck, his Dad and I are just talking in front of the fireplace. Even with the heating all the fire it's freezing cold, Vancouver has an insane weather.

"I think we should head off" Beck says, and I look at the clock, it's almost four AM, we really should. His Dad gets up, and gives us both a hug, he actually hugged me. Is this his way of saying I'm welcome in the family? I think so. His Mom and Grandma kissed me, and couldn't stop asking us to stay for a while longer, but I think we're both really tired, and I can't wait to be alone with him again.

(x)

We get in line, people are cheering waiting for the arena to open. It's my last night in Vancouver, and Beck didn't want to let it be just another night, and by that he meant that he wanted to do something without Tyler, because no night when we're together is just another night. The gates open and we get in, we make our way through the crowd and make it really near the stage, I think I'm going to be able to see the freckles on the vocalist face when they start the concert. "You really outdid yourself this time" I tell him, as he puts his arm around my waste and pulling me closer "There's no better way to end this trip"

"The bad thing is that I probably won't come up with something this good on all the others" I move against the crowd to be in front of him.

"I'm just looking forward to the day neither one of us has to leave" He kisses me until the lights go dark. And the band comes up on the stage, and as they change their first song to the next one the both of us stop, listening to the words that we once listened to as being nothing but kids that didn't really like each other.

_So and if you have a minute why don't we go_  
_Talk about it somewhere only we know?_  
_This could be the end of everything_  
_So why don't we go_  
_Somewhere only we know?_  
_Somewhere only we know?_

* * *

**6 months later**

_It's a beautiful night_  
_We're looking for something dumb to do_  
_Hey baby_  
_I think I wanna marry you_

I put on lipstick and sit down in the couch next to my Dad, waiting for everyone to be ready and for the ceremony to start. "You look really pretty honey" He kisses the side of my head, and gets up to grab a drink. I look between the curtains, everyone is waiting, the pastor has a nice smile on his face, and unlike most days in Seattle, the sun is bright and there hasn't been a single drop of rain.

"Ok, I'm ready!" Trina comes out of the room in a sparkly white gown, white gloves and a huge veil with a train that must be at least three feet long. She looks just like any one would imagine her as a bride, too much and too bright.

"Trina you look...sparkly" My Dad says, and she pouts her lips pulling him in for a hug. I get up, and straighten out my dress before we get out. Fortunately, Trina wanted everyone to look at her instead of any other person, so the bridesmaid dress she picked for me is just a plain, strapless navy blue dress without a single detail on it. At first I didn't like it, but then I remembered Trina could've made me wear anything she wanted, so from all the possibilities, a washed out simple dress is not so bad after all.

"That's the nicest thing you could've said, thank you Daddy!" I tell the band to start playing, grab my bouquet and head out in front of them. I look at all the guests, and go up the altar next to my Mom...when I spot him. He's looking straight at me, and all I want to do is drop the bouquet, drop this whole party and be with him; It's been almost two months since we've seen each other in person, and the only reason I'm not freaking out that I'm leaving in just three days is that classes end next week, and that he's moving to LA next month, and... "Tori!"

I snap out of my thoughts, and Trina's waiting for me to pick up her bouquet "Oh, right...sorry" I smile awkwardly and she hands it to me, my father gives her away and the pastor starts to speak. I look at Beck and he's nodding his head with a grin on his face looking at me, and even after all this time I can feel myself blush.

Andre and Mary Alice are engaged, and he got a really big record deal in New York which ended up being perfect for us, there was no need for the awkward 'who's getting the apartment' discussion. Everything is falling right into place, slowly, but just the way they should.

The pastor talks more, Trina and Alec say their vows, they kiss and I missed all of it, because I simply can't take my eyes off him. The music starts to play again, and the newly weds walk down the aisle and make their way to the dance floor to do the big dance they've been practicing for two months. I stand in the middle of the crowd of guests and when the big dance song starts to play all of them walk out to the edge of the dance floor, leaving just one guest alone in the middle of the seats. I run towards him and throw myself into a hug, and as always, he catches me.

"I missed you so much" He says, and I kiss him with a smile on my face.

* * *

**Beck**

_Maybe someday  
You'll be somewhere  
Talking to me  
As if you knew me  
Saying, I'll be home for next year, darling  
I'll be home for next year_

Everyone could tell by the amount of diamonds and pearls and basically anything that sparkles in Trina's dress, that she wanted all eyes on her today, and I think she got all of them, except for mine. It's been two months since I've Tor in person, and if Tyler's car hadn't broken down in the middle of the road we wouldn't have been late, and I'd be able to see her before the ceremony, instead of controlling every single fiber of my body to keep me from going up that altar and kissing her. "I missed you so much" She kisses me, and I sit down in the same chair I was before with her in my lap. "Sorry I was a bit late"

"It doesn't matter, you're here now" I run my fingers through her hair and kiss her for the longest we can bare, she tastes like she always does and smells the same, and I'm so thankful for that. I run my thumb on her cheek and she rests her forehead on mine "It's so good to be able to see you without a taskbar underneath your face"

"Excuse me..." A staff worker approaches us "We need to close this space to make the gifts basket stands and set up photo cabin" She gets up, but we don't let go of our hands, it feels wrong to do that. We walk away from that space as we were told, Trina and Alec are still dancing, Tyler is talking to some random girl, and I wrap my arms around her waist.

"Tell me what are our plans again?" She asks, as she leans against the wall holding on to my tie, and it's one of the sexiest things ever. I lean in kissing her cheek, and her neck until she pulls my tie even more kissing me, and I can feel the goose bumps on her skin, I love it.

I pull away reminding myself that her entire family is here. "Alright, where do I start?" She has a subtle smile on her face, but it's mostly her eyes, even thought she still has some anxiety attacks from time to time, and there are days that aren't easy for us, there's so something so different about her eyes... I guess it's hope. "you're going to go back to LA on Saturday night, we're both having our finals week" She nods her head with the same, gorgeous smile she always had "then we're going to graduate, then Andre is moving out and I'm moving in with you..." I give her a brief kiss " Tyler will too but that's another story"

"Hello future roomie and present roomie" She lets go of my tie, and Tyler approaches us with three very welcome glasses of champagne. "before we toast I wanted would like to say that if we used the money your sister's dress cost we could probably feed the whole Rwanda population"

"Feed them caviar" I say, and we toast drinking up. We chat away, I'm amazed on how well Tori and Tyler get along, they fight a lot about lots of stupid things, they're literally like brother and sister which is somewhat odd because they haven't been together that much time. But it's better that way, since we're going to live together, things are turning out so well it's almost unbelievable.

* * *

**Los Angeles**

_You were so clever,_  
_You kept it together today,_  
_By the way, I'll no longer ignore you,_  
_I wanted to show you again, I'm your friend,_  
_Sometimes we just pretend._  
_And all I can say is you save me_

I wake up, reaching for her but she's not beside me. Is it morning yet? I look at the clock, it's three AM, weird. I fall back on my pillow, but the walls can't help and let me hear some talking coming from the living room. "Do you want to watch something, _Clueless_ is on channel four" Why is Tyler talking about Clueless? He hates that movie.

"No thanks, I just need to..." Tori says, but stops talking in the middle of her sentence, I get off of bed and open the door, peeking in the living room. The lights are off except for the TV, Tori has her legs up to her knees on the end of the couch and Tyler's talking to her, he's trying to calm her down. This is one of the bad nights, but I don't think I've ever seen him trying to get her out of the bad zone. "I just need to...hum..."

I go over to them, and sit down by her side. "I think we need to plan our videos for the next week" I say, and Tyler turns on one of the lights, so that's it's only light enough for us to see but not enough to make our eyes squint with the change. "Are you going to do any covers Tor?"

"People have been saying they really want you to do an acoustic version of yours and Beck's song from high school" she nods closing her eyes for a few seconds and breathing in deeply.

"That sounds good" she says, looking at Tyler then at me "We should write the script for out next comedy video too... Unless you want to sleep?"

"No, no way! I just had three cups of coffee I'm good to go" He says, quickly grabbing his notebook and putting on the table for us to write "Beck, you good?"

"Sure thing, let me just change Turtle's water" I move to the kitchen, and step on our small dog's bed accidentally waking him up. I wanted to bring Woody with me, but in reality he's my Grandma's dog, and I like to think there's someone... even if that someone's a dog, watching over her while I'm not there, because even though Woody isn't brave, at all, people don't really know that, and as far as appearances go, he can be pretty scary.

Turtle runs away from my foot, scared of being stepped on, and jumps on Tor's lap. "I still don't understand why you two decided to call the poor dog Turtle" I go back to the couch, and pet him in the head, as Tori finally opens a small smile on her face.

"It's a long story, maybe we can vlog about it someday" she says, turning to me and giving me brief kiss.

"Maybe" I say, before we go back to writing.

**The End**

* * *

**A/N:** So guys... This was it! I hope you liked this story, I definitely didn't want to end this one but I didn't think I was going to be able to go on with it much longer. This was by far the fanfic I enjoyed writing the most, I hope you enjoyed reading it too. **Please review and tell me what you thought about the ending, if you were disappointed or not,** and if anyone wants it I can post a playlist with all the songs I used in this Fanfic. Love all of you,

- Kiribati


	35. Important Uptade

Hello guys! This is a quick uptade to tell you that, since a few of you asked for a sequel I'm trying to work a short multi chapter one or at least a one shot! And also, here's the playlist for those of you who are interested:

**Chapter 1 and 11**

1. _Somewhere Only We Know_ by_ Keane_

**Chapter 2**

1._ Hot Mess_ by_ Cobra Starship_

**Chapter 4**

1._ Finally Falling_ by _Victorious_

**Chapter 6 and 9**

1. _Iris_ by _The Goo Goo Dolls_

**Chapter 10**

1._ California Girls_ by _Katy Perry_

**Chapter 15**

1._ In My Life_ by _The Beatles_

_2. All I want is Everything_ by_ Victorious_

**Chapter 22**

1._ Feelin' Good _by_ Rebelution_

**Chapter 26**

1. _Wouldn't it be Nice_ by _The Beach Boys_

**Chapter 27**

1. _Here's to Us_ by_ Victorious_

2._ Summertime Sadness_ by _Lana Del Rey_

**Chapter 28**

1. _Teen Idle_ by_ Marina and the Diamonds_

**Chapter 30**

1. _What You Know_ by _Two Door Cinema Club_

**Chapter 31**

1._ How to be a Heartbreaker_ by _Marina and the Diamonds_

**Chapter 32**

1. _Sun_ by _Two Door Cinema Club_

2. _Iris_ by_ Goo Goo Dolls_

**Chapter 33**

1. _Way Back Into Love_ by _Hugh Grant_

2._ Something_ by _The Beatles_

**Chapter 34**

1. _Silly Love Songs_ by _Paul McCartney_

2. _Somewhere Only We Know_ by _Keane_

3. _Marry You_ by _Bruno Mars_

4._ Next Year_ by _Two Door Cinema Club_

5._ Down We Fall_ by _Drake Bell_

**So guys! If any of you wants a squel/one shot please leave in the comments what you would like to read about them, it can be from the time when they were still at HA or when they were apart or in the future, just name what you want and I'll write it!**


	36. 2015

**Fix Me: Sequel**

**2015**

**March**

"C'mon Beck, Tyler will kill us if we don't upload a video by today!" She yells, and I get out of our room, holding Turtle our small Jack Russell, and make my way to sit in front of the camera. She glances at me, as I try to sort out my thoughts, I can't be nervous right now, it just doesn't make any sense.

"Ok, I'm good" I tell her, and she takes out a small mirror from her pocket, and looks at her reflection, the same way she always does before filming. My heart is racing fast, and I'm sure if my palms sweat, they would be sweating right now, because even though I keep telling myself it's dumb to feel nervous, my body is reacting otherwise. "What are we going to film again?" I ask, trying to pretend that I didn't plan all of this... Now it just has to go the way I want it to.

"The boyfriend/girlfriend tag" she says, picking up a sheet of paper from our new, actual wooden table. She turns on the camera, we introduce ourselves as she starts to explain what we're gonna be doing, and I slip my hand inside my pocket, checking to see if it's still there... I mean, of course it has to be, a small box can't just disappear by itself. I can't believe I'm this nervous about it. "Ok, question number one, when and how did we first meet?"

I smile at her, and she does the same. This should turn out amazing... "We met in high school, on our senior year" I say to the camera, still holding the box inside my pocket, and Turtle jumps back down at the floor, running around for no apparent reason.

"We first talked when our teacher paired us to do a project" she says, looking down with a slight smile on her face "oh and I know that watches our videos, hey Sikowitz!" she waves at the camera with a soft smile on her face, and I do too. Then I shake my head and turn back at the camera, it feels like the time I should be speaking and actually interacting with the camera I'm just observing her, and it's getting too obvious.

"Thank you, by the way" I tell him. He's pretty popular for his comments, always ending up being on the top because he's just crazy; He always manages to relate the things we do to coconut juice, I guess he's just becoming even weirder over the years. And I used to think that it wasn't possible. "Alright question number two, who said I love you first?" She bites her bottom lip, looking up at me as if she was trying to say 'don't say too much'. The story is pretty great... only it's not something we would like to share to the world. "I did"

"Yep... You did" She smiles shyly while I check the box again. She keeps saying something I don't pay attention to, until she begins to talk about the third question. "Ok, what do we... tell people we are?" she frowns, looking at me and reading it again. "what does that even mean?"

"I think it's asking what we say we are, when we introduce ourselves" I hope she follows my lead, because this is just a great moment do it... I'm actually doing it...

"Like I say you're my boyfriend, and you say I'm your girlfriend?"

Now, perfect moment. "I guess... But I'm kinda tired of calling you my girlfriend"

She looks at me with suspicion, and as always, I can tell she's thinking about the worse. In this case it's good a thing, because now I'm sure she has absolutely no idea. "...what do you mean?" Her voice is low, and she still has half a smile of her face, trying to figure out weather or not I'm being serious.

"What I mean, is that I think girlfriend isn't a good label for you" I run my fingers over the box and take a deep breath "I'd much rather call you my fiancé"

My heart's racing a thousand miles per hour, I check the small box again as her chin drops. her eyes widen. And I can't stop the smile on my face "...what...".

I take out the small box, and open it revealing the small ring, which was actually the one with the biggest rock I could afford... But the rock is so small I don't think you can even call it a rock. "will you marry me?"

She keeps still, doesn't say a word, doesn't move... Is she breathing? Oh fuck, it was too soon and she's going to say no and... she's crying? What does this mean... she's nodding her head? Oh, she nodding her head! I put the ring on her shaky finger, as she rests her head on my chest and keeps crying for a few seconds, and looks up at me... with a smile, thank god.

_"I love you_" she says, still crying, before I kiss her, and turn off the camera.

**Tori's POV**

"Did you upload the video?" I ask him putting down my cellphone after twenty minutes of talking to Mary Alice. She and Andre moved to New York, so it had to be over the phone, and I swear she let out such a high pitch scream when I told her what had just happened, that I might be partially deaf. She and Andre are also engaged, they have been engaged for almost five months, she wants to wait until June, to have the perfect wedding. If it was up to just me, I'd marry Beck right now, without a party or family members just me and him, that's all I need.

"It's officially up, let's see what they think of this very unusual boyfriend/girlfriend tag" I walk over to him, that's standing in front of his laptop wearing only his boxers, and place a brief kiss on his shoulders, wrapping my arms around his back and pressing myself against him.

"I feel so grown up" I say quietly, putting my arm down, and I staring at my hand, where I now have a ring on it. I can't believe I'm actually engaged, to Beck... I feel like I should begin to cry all over again. He takes a step away from me before grabbing me by my waste and turning me around. He pushes some hair away from my face and I kiss him again, stepping on my toes before he lifts me up and puts me over the table.

"I know right? When did this happen?" He says, half smiling before he kisses my cheek and comes back with a more serious expression. "Why did you cry so much?" I run my fingers through his hair pushing it all to one side and kissing his bare neck. A while ago we were doing a questions and answers video, and a this random guy asked him if he ever planned to cut his hair, and Beck said that as he got older he'd probably outgrew it... I really hope that never happens.

His hand runs down on my waste, and he kisses me again, before pulling away waiting for an answer. I look away, and he holds both my hands, intertwining our fingers. "It's just... For the longest time, all I could focus on was that I would never actually be with you" I sigh, breaking one of our hands apart and bringing it to his upper chest "It always felt like it was impossible for us to make it but now..." I take a deep breath, I don't want to start crying again even if they are happy tears. "I'm just so damn happy Beck"

"We had to be, someday, right?" I nod my head getting closer to his, brushing our noses before I pull him down, laying down at the table. The phone rings, we let it go straight to voicemail.

_"I KNOW YOU TWO ARE PROBABLY VERY BUSY BUT WE HAVE VIEWS LOTS OF THEM! TEN MILLION OF THEM, IN THE VIDEO OF YOU GUYS GETTING EGAGED! TEN FREAKING AMAZING MILLION!"_ We hear someone telling Tyler to quit screaming, which makes him scream even louder _"OH... AND CONGRATS BY THE WAY!_" He hangs up, and I don't know why, but I start to laugh and Beck joins me, and we're just laughing, like we have no worries.

I still have to pay the bills, I still have to go to take my pills twice a day and the world is just as a horrible, messed up place as it always was, but not today. Today I can only think about the stars, and how great everything turned out, and most of all, how I'm finally sure, that everything will be okay.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm back! I missed this story, so much! You guys have no idea I kept thinking of it and things that I they could go through and stuff and... I decided to bring it back! I hope you still want it? And if you do please review, let me know if I should uptade again. Love,

- Kiribati


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